Why don’t you prioritise yourself?

[Ratisshortforratthew]

Inspired by the multitude of threads from women who’ve done all the cooking/gift buying and wrapping/arranging visits etc at Christmas while their useless lump of a husband does nothing but also in general the many women on here who have a useless lump of a husband who does nothing in everyday life.

I often see the same reasons given: that women are socialised to put themselves last; they care more about family/cleanliness/keeping up appearances than men; they feel that being selfish is bad, and many more along those lines.

I’m a woman but I can’t relate to this at all. I grew up in a house where my dad never lifted a finger and my mum enabled him and waited on him hand and foot and from a very young age I remember thinking to myself “sod that for a game of soldiers”. I’ve actually taken much more after my dad - I’m lazy, I wouldn’t do many things that a lot of people here think are non negotiable like clean the house for visitors or do anything for Christmas. Basically my number one priority in life is me and my own happiness and comfort. I don’t like Christmas so I simply don’t partake in it and I don’t feel an ounce of guilt. In fact I never really do anything I don’t want to, I just say no. I’ve buggered off to the other side of the world alone for 5 weeks and left my partner at home (no kids). On our first date I told him that myself and my independence would always come before our relationship and if he didn’t like the sound of that he wasn’t the person for me.

It’s never occurred to me to want to “look after” a partner or feel any obligation to my parents, in fact I think they’re both a bit crap so I don’t bother much beyond phoning them. I feel no obligation to look after them in old age. Couldn’t give a monkeys what people think of me or the way I live my life.

So where are the other women like me? Why do so many women find prioritising themselves a taboo notion or something they’d like to do but can’t bring themselves to? Kids, sure, I understand they have to be prioritised and the fact I don’t have them is a huge factor but that doesn’t mean you have to be running about appeasing partners and extended family too.

I’m intrigued as to how I missed this apparently common part of female socialisation.

Have you read Determined by Robert Sapolsky? It’s really relevant to this discussion. I think you’d find it interesting.

I haven’t, I’ll look it up

Well that’s what you said 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️
And I’m right in saying that actually you aren’t selfish and ALWAYS putting yourself first.

What you’re talking about is making choices and knowing that SOMETIMES you’ll happily put other people needs first whatever the reason (it’s rude, you’ve said you’d do it etc….).
Its very different from the very black and white image you’ve given us so far.

(It also has nothing to do with being empathetic or not imo)

I can tell you about myself if that helps you.
And the answer is my upbringing.

I somehow arrived in adulthood thinking that the right people would put me first the same I do put them first. So basically, I’m caring about them and they’ll care about me. Starting with, of course, respect. Respecting me, my own boundaries etc…
Turns out people need to be told they have to respect them 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️ (hence the importance of boundary setting).

I also think the 2 huge differences between you and me are children (they need me and I’m going to put them first, even if it means not putting myself first. Within limits) and the fact im disabled, aka NOT independent.
When you start being dependent on people, whether it’s physically or financially, then it’s much harder to enforce boundaries. Eg leaving a relationship that’s isn’t quite hitting the spot can become near impossible on your own.

I think it’s also worth remembering that, even if you work, you can still be financially dependent on your partner. Esp if you have children. All due to the CoL and the fact it’s extremely hard to live on one wage if you have dcs. (And not everyone can earn more than MW).
So people make compromises. That includes accepting things they don’t really want.

@Hazelmaybe book in my basket fir when I’m back home.
Thank you fir the recommendation

@crackofdoom

There are some professions which are extremely difficult and very dangerous too, mostly dominated by men - logging, construction labourers, mining etc... there is an integral reason for this which extends beyond social pressures. Likewise, women do well in nurturing type roles like healthcare, education and social services - likely because women tend to have areas in our brains that equip us better for communication type roles. There is nothing wrong for men/women to lean into their strengths.

The problem with striving for equality is it fails to see the innate differences which in their own right are as important as the other - the problem comes when society values them differently.

Yeah, that's nonsense though. Women used to work down the mines, too- they got edged out when the pay and conditions improved. Women do extremely well in construction- when societal pressures don't keep them away. I work on building sites sometimes- in a niche profession that is in fact dominated by women- and most construction jobs look pretty cushy to me. Satisfying work, lots of camaraderie, plenty of breaks- and they all knock off at 3.30- 4.00pm!

Contrast this with care work, where you are often lifting adults as big as or bigger than yourself and, if you are working with adults with learning difficulties or dementia, often at risk of verbal abuse or physical attack, sometimes a lone worker with little or no backup, all for minimum wage or little more. And to add insult to injury, you have fools blarting on about the tough, dangerous jobs men do.

Do spare me 🙄 I would far, far rather be a joiner than a care worker, and I don't appreciate anyone trying to gaslight me into thinking that I'm better suited to a caring profession just because I'm a woman 🙄

I lived on my own after college, traveled, built my career, and then got married. My husband did as well. So we both come from the perspective of taking care of ourselves. When we had kids, I did more (and still do tbh) but I don’t go over board and honestly if something needed to be done I was willing to wait for him to take it on. No need to be a martyr. I still work too much, so I’m struggling with that!