Why don’t you prioritise yourself?

[Ratisshortforratthew]

Inspired by the multitude of threads from women who’ve done all the cooking/gift buying and wrapping/arranging visits etc at Christmas while their useless lump of a husband does nothing but also in general the many women on here who have a useless lump of a husband who does nothing in everyday life.

I often see the same reasons given: that women are socialised to put themselves last; they care more about family/cleanliness/keeping up appearances than men; they feel that being selfish is bad, and many more along those lines.

I’m a woman but I can’t relate to this at all. I grew up in a house where my dad never lifted a finger and my mum enabled him and waited on him hand and foot and from a very young age I remember thinking to myself “sod that for a game of soldiers”. I’ve actually taken much more after my dad - I’m lazy, I wouldn’t do many things that a lot of people here think are non negotiable like clean the house for visitors or do anything for Christmas. Basically my number one priority in life is me and my own happiness and comfort. I don’t like Christmas so I simply don’t partake in it and I don’t feel an ounce of guilt. In fact I never really do anything I don’t want to, I just say no. I’ve buggered off to the other side of the world alone for 5 weeks and left my partner at home (no kids). On our first date I told him that myself and my independence would always come before our relationship and if he didn’t like the sound of that he wasn’t the person for me.

It’s never occurred to me to want to “look after” a partner or feel any obligation to my parents, in fact I think they’re both a bit crap so I don’t bother much beyond phoning them. I feel no obligation to look after them in old age. Couldn’t give a monkeys what people think of me or the way I live my life.

So where are the other women like me? Why do so many women find prioritising themselves a taboo notion or something they’d like to do but can’t bring themselves to? Kids, sure, I understand they have to be prioritised and the fact I don’t have them is a huge factor but that doesn’t mean you have to be running about appeasing partners and extended family too.

I’m intrigued as to how I missed this apparently common part of female socialisation.

That being said everyone deserves to live their life in a way that makes them happy; as long as one person's choices don't directly mean someone else isn't happy then live & let live.

I agree @Elmo230885 .
I think that what feels uncomfortable in the OP is that I dint get the second part. The one about being careful about not hurting someone else in the process.

I dint quite see how you won’t end up hurting someone if you always put yourself and your wants/wishes ahead of other people’s.

I'm similar to you, OP, and I'm mystified by the martyrdom I read about on here. I just think what an absolutely shit existence, when does this woman get a break? Is being married to an ungrateful, entitled bellend really better than being single? Utterly baffling.

PS- I love a winter sun holiday over Xmas. Enjoy!

You can take care of yourself and be there for others. It’s getting the right balance.

Once someone from another culture told me that if you don’t look after yourself it’s a sin (they used another word) because it means that your loved ones will worry about you and you’ll become a burden on them. I heard this after a bout of anxiety and mild depression in my early 30’s, and this line changed my life. It was true, my loved ones were upset to see me like this.

From this encounter I’ve always tried to look after myself mentally and physically. I actively seek out positive friendships, I’ve got hobbies, I go the gym, I play sports, I do nice things, I do yoga and love a spa treatment.

I’ve got elderly parents, a DH, DC, a dog and a house to look after alongside work and I take good care of them all, and they take care of me.

I also know a few people who I think are awful. They put themselves first all the time and say things like “ this is what I want”, and the other people in the room go along with it. In the past they’ve got their own way, but now they don’t with me. I use the MN phrase “no, that doesn’t work for me/us” or “great, enjoy yourself. We are doing X”. I can’t stand selfish people. Life is give and take.

On your last few lines I think this really demonstrates a difference in thinking here. I don’t think of selfishness as a male trait. There are women who are selfish and men who are not - my partner is way more empathetic and unselfish than me, for example.

What do you mean by “rely on”? I have really brilliant friends who I’d absolutely help in a crisis, but I’m also the sort of person who will cancel plans fairly late on sometimes (not all the time) if I don’t feel up to it (some might say can’t be arsed). But it doesn’t bother me if other people do the same, I’m really laid back about a lot of stuff MNers hate like people being late or bailing at the last minute or going to the shop in their pyjamas.

Well I wouldn’t intentionally hurt anyone. I’m not malicious. That’s enough for me. If someone was hurt by a choice of mine that wasn’t intended to hurt them I’d feel it was their problem, not mine.

I actually give monthly to several charities and do a lot of on the ground volunteering with animals. Politically I’m a socialist, about the least selfish belief system you can have - I guess I think the state should limit people’s ability to be boundlessly greedy especially financially, and as long as those limits are in place everyone should basically do wtf they want within them. I don’t actually value kindness tbh, I just think people should be compelled to live in a fair society

Yes, I agree, they should be! But the question is also why do so many women enable men NOT to be, or remain in relationships with them?

This is it, in a nutshell. I’ve instilled in DC from a very early age that while I’ll always put their needs first, I’m a person too and I need downtime/appreciation/kindness/my own interests etc etc. Children need to see their parents as people, not automatons.

everyone who says they enjoy making people happy - that’s not the issue when the effort is appreciated and reciprocated. The problem is women who martyr themselves to relatives who don’t treat them with the same level of care and respect. That’s deeply unhealthy.

I'm just like you OP and I make no apologies for it. I knew from the age of 12 I never wanted to be anyone's wife. I had a child on my own. I cannot relate to this socialisation excuse. How come some of us are immune? I was raised in the 80's. The most sexist decade of recent times. Hell rape within marriage was still legal! Probably had something do with it.

Well I wouldn’t intentionally hurt anyone. I’m not malicious. That’s enough for me. If someone was hurt by a choice of mine that wasn’t intended to hurt them I’d feel it was their problem, not mine.

This is an important distinction. It's funny how so many people have jumped to the conclusion that just because you prioritise yourself you must be completely uncaring and go through life causing havoc for others.

I find that some family members choose to be offended by life choices I've made because they're simply different from their life choices or they go against their values (which happen to be polar opposite to mine). It's not my responsibility to appease people like that. It's on them.

If other people's peace and joy causes you upset, I would say you're the one who needs to change, not the 'selfish' person.

Thanks to my less than stellar childhood, I'm a perfectionist with very little self esteem. Therapy has done nothing to change that. It's hard to prioritise what you don't value.

I'd love this OP to write a self help book - I'd buy it in a flash 😁

They assume it will get better, after marriage, after the 1st baby, after the 2nd, it doesn’t. They do their best to build a life they want single handed while keeping up appearances that all is right, and doing it for the children.

Or more likely it didn't start out that way and gradually got worse after marriage and kids. By which time it's a lot of untangling to get yourself out of and things need to be really bad before most of us are prepared to break up the family unit. You're spot on about doing it for the children, and trying to build the life they want single handed.

I’m certainly no martyr and have a husband who more than pulls his weight. However I wouldn’t actually want to live like you. We’re all different.

Yes, this is it. If you enjoy doing things for people and your efforts are reciprocated and appreciated, great. But it’s the people who do it because of obligation and expectation and “what will people think if I don’t”, all the while seething with resentment, that I don’t understand.

It’s perfectly possible to have a child and please yourself on your own schedule a lot of the time, after the newborn stage. Like you, I grew up with a doormat mother, which makes her sound oppressed, but she’s always bought into the dynamic — she will take responsibility for nothing, not even choosing a café, because she prefers someone else to have to accept responsibility for the fallout, if any. It was a miserable way to grow up, and made me take a healthy attitude to my own needs in adulthood. I go away by myself a lot. I’m off to Madrid to look at art by myself just after NY. DH is perfectly capable of looking after DS and has done everything since I went to NY on holiday with friends when DS was a toddler.

I’m sorry to hear that. I didn’t have a great childhood either. Dad with lifelong mental health issues that meant the household was often on eggshells around him, very occasional violence, he said some lovely things to me at various points like he couldn’t wait til I moved out, he could see why the school bullies didn’t like me, and what did I expect if I went home with him (after I’d been sexually assaulted). He did apologise for that one since but yeah he’s hardly parent of the year. I’ve had some severe MH issues in the past but even at my lowest I didn’t find it hard to say no to things I didn’t want to do or voice my needs and feelings.

Absolutely. You could solve most problems on AIBU and the Relationships board if the poster approached relationships, social events etc with a healthy sense of ‘What’s in this for me?’ and ‘Do I want to do this/see her/continue this friendship?’ etc.

It sounds like you’ve got a great balance and good attitude. I do believe it can be possible for people who want to make it happen, like you - I just don’t want kids though! I think I’d be a dreadful parent. Even my own mum says she thinks I’d hate it 😂

I like to maintain a balance as best I can. I like doing things for others, and I think it's also important that we all sometimes put others first but I don't let myself be taken for a fool.

I think we all put up with some things as it's unreasonable to expect perfection. We just put up with different things. Also, they usually don't start out so big. You don't marry someone who forgets to buy you a Christmas present. That comes with time. Then you don't realise how big it got.

It's also terribly common that the woman is tied to the situation and cannot leave. I tell every woman who moves in with someone to make sure they have enough to do a moonlight flit.

My Dad did naff all at home too, there was no way I'd marry someone like that. My DM eventually divorced him.

DH and I play to our strengths, I'm organised and wfh for deliveries and he's crap at gifts so I do those. We both do the cooking, he does the bulk of the cleaning.

Exactly! I love doing nice things for people who appreciate and value them, but I don’t waste time on people who don’t value it. I‘m autistic, which probably influences me here - I have no sense of ‘duty’ to anyone (over the age of about 8, obviously young kids are different) who doesn’t treat me with the same level of respect back.

I also think Christmas brings out the ‘organised fun’ part of a lot of people, especially women. But to me, acting as if you’re responsible for other people’s happiness is a) a form of control and b) fails to acknowledge that people have the right to enjoy Christmas in their own way.

'But the question is also why do so many women enable men NOT to be, or remain in relationships with them?'

Because we've all been conditioned all our lives that this stuff (housework, life admin, childcare) is the responsibility of women, and men get to opt in or out as they choose. It takes a hell of a lot of strength, confidence and self respect to break out of that nasty little pattern

Like you OP, I have a partner and no children. My partner absolutely fully pulls his weight at home, and we both step right up and take care of each other if the other person is ill or struggling in some way. My sister on the other hand married a man who didn't lift a finger at home for many years and had to be TAUGHT, like a child, through many repetitions, to do simple tasks like empty the bin bag when it's full 🙄 he has pulled his socks up now they have 2 kids but I think it took years of her alternately begging him and losing her shit at him before he stepped up. And then some woman try to excuse such fuckwittery as being 'a man thing' to make themselves feel better, and that does no one any favours