Why don’t you prioritise yourself?

[Ratisshortforratthew]

Inspired by the multitude of threads from women who’ve done all the cooking/gift buying and wrapping/arranging visits etc at Christmas while their useless lump of a husband does nothing but also in general the many women on here who have a useless lump of a husband who does nothing in everyday life.

I often see the same reasons given: that women are socialised to put themselves last; they care more about family/cleanliness/keeping up appearances than men; they feel that being selfish is bad, and many more along those lines.

I’m a woman but I can’t relate to this at all. I grew up in a house where my dad never lifted a finger and my mum enabled him and waited on him hand and foot and from a very young age I remember thinking to myself “sod that for a game of soldiers”. I’ve actually taken much more after my dad - I’m lazy, I wouldn’t do many things that a lot of people here think are non negotiable like clean the house for visitors or do anything for Christmas. Basically my number one priority in life is me and my own happiness and comfort. I don’t like Christmas so I simply don’t partake in it and I don’t feel an ounce of guilt. In fact I never really do anything I don’t want to, I just say no. I’ve buggered off to the other side of the world alone for 5 weeks and left my partner at home (no kids). On our first date I told him that myself and my independence would always come before our relationship and if he didn’t like the sound of that he wasn’t the person for me.

It’s never occurred to me to want to “look after” a partner or feel any obligation to my parents, in fact I think they’re both a bit crap so I don’t bother much beyond phoning them. I feel no obligation to look after them in old age. Couldn’t give a monkeys what people think of me or the way I live my life.

So where are the other women like me? Why do so many women find prioritising themselves a taboo notion or something they’d like to do but can’t bring themselves to? Kids, sure, I understand they have to be prioritised and the fact I don’t have them is a huge factor but that doesn’t mean you have to be running about appeasing partners and extended family too.

I’m intrigued as to how I missed this apparently common part of female socialisation.

There’s probably plenty of women with your outlook but you’re less likely to find them on a parenting site. Most people on mumsnet are parents and therefore will often put their own needs second to others as that is what parenting requires (not always!)

Because we've all been conditioned all our lives that this stuff (housework, life admin, childcare) is the responsibility of women, and men get to opt in or out as they choose. It takes a hell of a lot of strength, confidence and self respect to break out of that nasty little pattern

this is the whole point of my post though - I’ve never felt conditioned to believe this. Despite witnessing it in my own home and having a shit dad and years of MH issues and non existent self esteem. The conditions were ripe for me to internalise this yet I never did, like I said in a previous post even at my lowest ebb I was still only ever thinking in terms of what I wanted to do. It’s a rhetorical question as I don’t expect you to have the answer but I find it baffling and interesting that so many women seem to feel like this yet there are others like me and a couple on this thread who’ve never felt or believed this.

I was happily childfree till just before turning 40, though. And I can see how my life would have continued happily had we not had DS, but I realised my ideas about having a child were coloured by my upbringing — my parents were dreadful parents, appear to have hated every second, and had far more children than they could afford, materially or emotionally. Buy I’m not my mother and I didn’t marry my father. I decided I wasn’t going to miss out on an experience that might be interesting, just because other people made it look like drudgery. I knew I would do it differently. Apart from anything else, we had one child by choice, we both have well-paid professional jobs and are comfortably off. Like anything, parenting is easier if you’re not grindingly poor, like my family was. Being a SAHM was unimaginable for me.

I absolutely honour your decision to be childfree, obviously. You know best about your own happiness. But I wouldn’t take advice on whether you’d be suited to parenthood from your mother any more than I’d take it from mine. I suppose all I’m saying is that I don’t think it requires a particular degree of unselfishness, or a desperate desire to be a parent to qualify someone as ‘suitable’. I certainly haven’t changed much.

I think in my case I saw my mother’s life, and the fact that she and everyone around me expected me to replicate it because no other life was possible. I was very clear that I didn’t want my life to be like that.

The other factor was that I had to learn to resist gendered social scripts pretty early. My parents wanted me to leave school at 15 and get a little job in a shop. Ideally I’d marry young and be a SAHM. Fuck that for a game of soldiers, my teenage self thought, and stayed at school and got scholarships through university.

Decades ago I always did every single thing. The only thing I didn't do is wrap the gift I'd bought for myself from my (ex) husband.

I met my now husband who was exactly the same. I know that's not common.

We now recognise we are both givers and are taken advantage of. So I prioritise him and he prioritises me. Whilst making sure we are both not being taken advantage of.

Well, socialisation is intensely powerful.

And it certainly doesn't take many posts on Mumsnet telling you that you should be putting your DC first in every situation, that if you don't you're selfish, and that other posters "feel sorry for your kids" to make you feel like a shit mum and that you need to try harder to negate your needs.

(Anecdotally, the most nightmare, abusive exes I've had all seem to have had "perfect mums", who dedicated their lives to cooking and parenting and didn't seem to have had much personality external to that. It's almost as if these men grew up to see a woman's natural role as utterly sacrificing themselves for others, and expected me to conform to that 🤔)

My DH isn't a useless lump, I wouldn't tolerate that for a second. He buys me and his family thoughtful gifts. He does his share of everything.
I often do things I don't want to do though because I have children and their health and happiness is priority 1.

I do understand what you’re saying in that someone shouldn’t be influenced by their own childhood or crappy parents or being told they’d be a bad parent - and I agree, they shouldn’t, if they want to have kids. For me though the desire has just never been there. I feel like I just know very deep down and viscerally that I don’t want kids in the same way I know I don’t want all my limbs to fall off. My mum hasn’t influenced me either way, she just supports my decision and only voiced her opinion after I’d been clear about how I felt. I’m glad you’ve made it work for you though, genuinely.

I think that sounds fine until you hit old age and you have neither the family or friendship bonds - nor the children to help you through the pain of health issues, declining independence and loneliness.

Or other life challenges such as cancer, the death of parents and family and other life changing life events. Not having support network or anything that is going to help you through might feel very misjudged then. You can be old for a very, very long time.

I would not want your life, I look after myself very well and married someone that loves me deeply. My children are my world, and I genuinely enjoy living in a community that cares for one another. A me me me world wouldn’t be for me, but I protect my independence at all costs.

I had a short hospital stay recently and the woman in the next bed, who'd come in because of a rapidly spreading infection across her face, told me in all seriousness that she was ashamed at having been admitted to hospital because she was supposed to look after the grandkids that day and had let everyone down. I stared at her in amazement and said something about how she should come first at a time like this. She then looked at me in amazement. Bring on the revolution I say...

I guess the short answer for me is that I don’t prioritise myself because I care more about my children’s happiness than I do about my own. That doesn’t mean I martyr myself to them, but I chose to bring them into this world and therefore it’s my responsibility to make sure their needs are met, even if that means that mine aren’t always met.

Where did OP say she had no friends?

Ask your mother?

Doesn’t take much critical thought and social understanding to imagine why the situations you describe may be.

I agree it’s not ideal, but I don’t like the superior tone in your post.

I think the OP is talking about avoiding the unhealthy expectation on women to martyr themselves and put everybody else's needs ahead of their own all the time rather than selfishness. One can prioritise one's own happiness without becoming a recluse with no social bonds!

Putting yourself first every single time is rarely conducive with meaningful friendships. It’s usually a give and take reciprocal relationship. It’s also the downside of being child free. None of this feels important until you are at an age or presented with something traumatic and we lean on all of our closest relationships. As we are there for others, so they are there for us. That’s not possible in a me first and always set up.
Which in fact is very different to self care and self love. For me self care is being surrounded by authentic loving people.

Well I wouldn’t intentionally hurt anyone. I’m not malicious. That’s enough for me. If someone was hurt by a choice of mine that wasn’t intended to hurt them I’d feel it was their problem, not mine.

You see I look at things differently.

We all have needs and some times those needs are in conflict with each other. Always prioritising your needs above the ones of let’s say your partner is hurtful to them. And yes id feel responsible - because how can I not be responsible if I show no care at all for the needs of the person I profess to love?
I simply dint think it’s possible to live with someone wo taking their needs into account. Not unless you are happy to also look like an arsehole iyswim.

I think you’re very rightly saying that you’re making the choice to put your needs first. If that means that, when there is a conflict over clashing needs, you always put yourself first, then you’re going to hurt the person simply by showing them they’re just second best. And that will be an intentional hurt because you’ve chosen to always out yourself first.

Does it mean you should always come second? Certainly not.
But there is a huge difference between living a life of being a martyr, always putting yourself second and one where you take other people needs into account.

I think you need to read around emotionally unavailable parents and their impact on children (as adults)
Youll find that there are several possible reactions to it and one of them is yours - making yourself the centre of your world. Whereas others will become extremely attuned to emotional changes around them (and will always seek to calm things down aka making themselves second)

My mum was very emotionally available and demonstrative. She just enabled my dad’s bad behaviour. I’ve had years of therapy about my childhood and I’m at peace with it now but it hasn’t changed my approach to life. I think I’m actually even more self absorbed than I was before the therapy but I don’t see it as a problem.

I have a really great set of friends who are also all childfree. I really couldn’t ask for a better set of likeminded people - we do support each other when needed.

In most situations I do think other people’s needs come second to mine. Unless, I don’t know, their house has just burned down or their parents have died.

I have got lots of friends. And a wonderful partner. Even if I wanted/had kids I wouldn’t expect them to deal with me in old age just as my parents don’t expect that of me. Even if you do want/expect that, there’s no guarantee it’ll happen. If I was a parent I’d encourage my kids to do whatever they wanted with their life, as mine encouraged me to.

I mean, it does. I genuinely don’t get why so many people (women) find it so hard to say no. Or why more people don’t question these expectations and societal narratives. I question everything - especially stuff we’re told is “tradition” or “what women/men do” because it’s arbitrary bollocks. I just find it astonishing really that so many people just swallow and internalise the narrative, or don’t speak up and resist even when they’re feeling the resentment and unfairness.

I don’t think it’s about my dc ‘looking after’ anyone, but they are brilliant company and we enjoy being together. We pull together and support each other whenever it’s needed.
How can you have wonderful friends if you only ever do what you feel like doing? Sometimes being inconvenienced is part of being a good friend.

Is it? I don’t find there’s anything inconvenient about my friendships. We have good deep conversations, enjoy each other’s company, meet up often, share a sense of humour. Like I said if they were having some kind of crisis I’d help. Same as the whole “relationships are hard work” trope… mine isn’t. And I don’t think a good relationship should be.

We can all only aspire to being as perfect as you OP 💐