Why don’t you prioritise yourself?

[Ratisshortforratthew]

Inspired by the multitude of threads from women who’ve done all the cooking/gift buying and wrapping/arranging visits etc at Christmas while their useless lump of a husband does nothing but also in general the many women on here who have a useless lump of a husband who does nothing in everyday life.

I often see the same reasons given: that women are socialised to put themselves last; they care more about family/cleanliness/keeping up appearances than men; they feel that being selfish is bad, and many more along those lines.

I’m a woman but I can’t relate to this at all. I grew up in a house where my dad never lifted a finger and my mum enabled him and waited on him hand and foot and from a very young age I remember thinking to myself “sod that for a game of soldiers”. I’ve actually taken much more after my dad - I’m lazy, I wouldn’t do many things that a lot of people here think are non negotiable like clean the house for visitors or do anything for Christmas. Basically my number one priority in life is me and my own happiness and comfort. I don’t like Christmas so I simply don’t partake in it and I don’t feel an ounce of guilt. In fact I never really do anything I don’t want to, I just say no. I’ve buggered off to the other side of the world alone for 5 weeks and left my partner at home (no kids). On our first date I told him that myself and my independence would always come before our relationship and if he didn’t like the sound of that he wasn’t the person for me.

It’s never occurred to me to want to “look after” a partner or feel any obligation to my parents, in fact I think they’re both a bit crap so I don’t bother much beyond phoning them. I feel no obligation to look after them in old age. Couldn’t give a monkeys what people think of me or the way I live my life.

So where are the other women like me? Why do so many women find prioritising themselves a taboo notion or something they’d like to do but can’t bring themselves to? Kids, sure, I understand they have to be prioritised and the fact I don’t have them is a huge factor but that doesn’t mean you have to be running about appeasing partners and extended family too.

I’m intrigued as to how I missed this apparently common part of female socialisation.

@Ratisshortforratthew so if you don't believe in innate gender roles how do you explain the physiological responses to pregnancy etc? The process literally releases hormones that promote nurturing.

I'm very similar to you in this OP, and have to admit I don't have a lot of patience with the posters bursting into tears at a drop of a hat here.
I'm also autistic, just saying.

I mean… my friends and my partner aren’t being forced to be in my life under duress. They tell me they love and like me. But if they change their minds they’re welcome to reevaluate our relationships. I’m not sure why you’re so determined to believe that people can’t possibly like, respect and admire me for who I am, but they do!

As for the cancelling last minute because I can’t be bothered, my friends also do this sometimes and that’s fine by me.

How do your friends feel about your feeling of superiority over anyone who isn’t like you, OP? Or do you save that for anonymous internet forums?

Oh no I’m very open about my nature IRL too. I’ve actually had many people tell me they admire how assertive I am and ask if I can transfer a bit of that to them. I’m sure I’m not everyone’s cup of tea but it’s unrealistic to expect my friends to like every facet of my personality. I don’t like every facet of theirs. So if they go home and say they find me superior or smug then that’s fine, they’re entitled to their opinion. It doesn’t really trouble me what they might or might not think, they’re choosing to be friends with me so I can’t bother them that much.

Your assertiveness and cancelling plans last minute wouldn’t bother me, but the fact that you clearly think you’re better than everyone else would. It’s really fab you’ve found friends who admire that in you!

Hormones provoking a neurological response is not the same as every woman having a generally nurturing nature or approach to life, or a predictor of values, attitudes or preferences, which is what gender roles are

I’ve never actually said I think I’m better than everyone else though. That’s purely your conjecture.

@Ratisshortforratthew these hormones released during pregnancy, birth and postnatal etc, oxytocin is generally higher in women outside of having children. This is but one part of a multitude of differences which makes women who we are. Physiologically we are designed to be different. I think the problem is we live in a society that undermines and devalues this instead of endorsing and supporting it.

As for the cancelling last minute because I can’t be bothered, my friends also do this sometimes and that’s fine by me.

I love how you’re always skirting issues @Ratisshortforratthew 😁😁

Come on.
Your DP/friend is moving house. You tell your DP/friend that you’re going to do the move together, the two of you.
The day before it’d be ok to tell them that actually you won’t be there for the move because you have that amazing opportunity to do <insert whatever>.
Leaving DP/friend in the lurch.
Thats what I understand from your posts. That this would be ok. You’ve put yourself first because <opportunity> is great. And you don’t care if DP/friend is hurt because you’re not empathetic and you’ve just put boundaries on your time. And anyway it wasn’t intentional. It’s just that this opportunity happened. Up to them to deal with it. It’s a THEM problem.

And if you dint do that but miss that amazing opportunity, then you’ve put your needs/want secondary to theirs…… you’ve chosen that still helping them and missing out was the most important/the right thing to do. So it’s not ALWAYS putting yourself first and being selfish. It’s not being assertive at all cost. It’s putting more boundaries than what’s is usually expected from women…..

That’s how you come across though….

This is all your own assumptions and not what I’ve said though 😂 generally I think it’s really rude to cancel plans for a better offer BUT it entirely depends on the context. If I’d promised to help a friend move house but got invited to a party instead? No, I’d honour the commitment. If I got offered a career-defining opportunity, well then yes I would take that up instead and if the boot was on the other foot I’d expect a friend to do the same if it was a fabulous one off opportunity. Sometimes though you make plans then just really don’t feel up to them, I’m talking social plans. Sometimes I cancel, sometimes they cancel. You’re talking about people who flake every single time and that’s not how I am or how I described myself.

Ok!

It’s a spectrum though if if you read medical studies. You can generalise but the areas of the brain that affect empathy and decision making are not that different men and women and the kind of differences observed vary from person to person, sometimes in the inverse of the general trend. I don’t really think that’s the basis on which we should design society though. I do think we should have a socialist framework that offers things like free childcare and equal parental leave to give women choices and encourage men to be equal caregivers. Choice is the key really, rather than forcing people into certain roles.

Interesting to read. I came from an unusual family where dad held us all together - mum worked but didn't do anything around the house, no clue how to do life admin, caused a lot of additional stress for my dad on both the small and large scale. Some people would be better off alone - less blood, sweat and tears.

@Ratisshortforratthew I don't see it as forcing people into roles, but honouring the real differences between men and women. This is where balance can be achieved, else you have men and women vying for the same thing causing disagreements and tension. There are sex differences in roles that men and women have, a lot of the most dangerous and labour intensive jobs are taken by men, and there's a reason for this, just like women tend to take on caring roles. The problems start arising when they are treated economically different which impacts the value of these roles. One of the major drawbacks of a socialist society is they tend to be bureaucracy and rules heavy which by virtue can lead to inequalities by restricting what people can and can't do.

In other words, women know your place 🙄

I think some of the spiteful and defensive replies on this thread are a perfect illustration of how society treats women who dare to step out of line.

@crackofdoom which part of my explanation do you think infers I'm saying - women know your place?

Your entire thread is asking why other people don’t do things how you do them, and telling us why your way is better. So it’s a reasonable assumption to make. And I imagine if you come across that way online, you probably do in real life too.

The entire fucking post love, but especially where you decry "men and women vying for the same role, causing tension", which can be avoided by "honouring the difference between men and women".

Care to elaborate on which roles, particularly, you feel are unsuitable for women, which you feel they should avoid "vying for" in order to avoid causing tension? 🤔

I think the OP’s attitude to prioritising herself is great… it isn’t how I’d like to live my life, but she’s found a way that works for her and that makes her happy. However think telling us all that we should be doing things how she does them is what is getting people’s backs up.

When have I said that though? If you mean when I’ve said I don’t understand why women continue on resentful martyrdom, many people have agreed. And it’s a fair question. Why would you continue living in a way that you’re unhappy with? I’m not talking about people happy with the way their lives are and have not said otherwise.

She hasn't, she's just asked why.

And it’s a perfectly valid question, particularly on Mn, where vast numbers of posts are about doing things the poster doesn’t want to do, and simmering with suppressed rage that other people don’t make similar ‘sacrifices’ for them. There’s actually comparatively little in life that is absolutely compulsory. Many Mners would benefit from asking themselves ‘Do I want to do X?’ and being honest about the answer, before taking anything else into account.