Not getting DD the one thing she's asked for for Christmas

[FrankSinatrasLoveChild]

I can't kick the guilt.

DD is 15, and has begged for an iPhone. She has a fairly decent android, and we're all on Android in the family. I have no clue about iPhones. I still have quite a lot of blocks and controls on her phone (a source of much tension), and wouldn't know how to maintain those on iPhone. Her reason for wanting an iPhone? The cameras on iPhones are so much more "compatible with social media" (i.e. - I assume? make you look better). It just doesn't sit right with me.

I've got her some clothes and make-up (she's really picky, though, so not a massive amount), and am going to give her some money to buy herself a new pair of trainers.

I've warned her she's not getting what she's asked for, but I know she's still hoping.

I just feel really bad about it. I'm not wrong, am I...?

If it didn't cause any financial difficulties, I'd get it for her.It's so rubbish being a teenager and the only one not having the same as your friends. iPhones are really easy to use and I don't imagine it would be too difficult to set up parental controls.

I would get it for her if I was financially able to. I remember being 15 and just wanting to fit in - it's a really really hard time for teenagers. Girls, especially I think. If I couldn't, then I probably give her money to put towards it.

Personally, I think the cameras on iPhones are not particularly good — but that’s just my experience.
If you do decide to go down the iPhone route, OP, you don’t necessarily need it for the day itself; I’m sure if you told your DD she could have one, that would suffice! Then you could always look after Christmas, and/or discuss options together. Back market (online) are also an option, btw, for refurbished iPhones.

@FrankSinatrasLoveChild

I really empathise with you, but please don’t feel you need to cave and rush to buy her an iPhone for Christmas just based on what other posters have said here! I would say you’d want to do your research before buying her an iPhone, to check the varied prices of different models, decide whether to get an iPhone on contract, or buy a refurbished one outright and get a SIM only deal. There’s lots of options, and you wouldn’t want to make a rash/impulsive decision now just because you’re rushing to buy one before Christmas. You wouldn’t want to be tied into an expensive contract for the next 2-3 years if that’s not suitable for you a few months down the line.

If she’s really keen for an iPhone, perhaps it’s something you might want to think about in more depth over the next few months? I think you could use this desire for an iPhone to teach a good life lesson about saving up for something and appreciating the value of money a bit more. Perhaps you could look into iPhones together and work out your budget together. Then perhaps you could agree that you’ll pay half each? Or maybe she pays a third? (On condition she always keeps a case on, without exception!) You could encourage her to earn money to save for her iPhone, e.g. doing babysitting jobs, helping others with gardening/weeding, washing cars, helping with chores around the house, getting a paper round, getting a part time job (probably once she’s 16), saving any birthday or Christmas money for an iPhone, or saving some pocket money etc. Lots of options for her to earn a bit of money and save towards a new iPhone! She could approach friends, family or neighbours to see if there’s any odd jobs they want help with that she could do to earn a bit of cash.

To summarise though, I wouldn’t be rushing to buy her an iPhone right now for Christmas! But perhaps you could come up with a plan together for buying one next year.

Also, if you are interested in researching refurbished (second-hand) iPhones, I would recommend Music Magpie. I’ve bought from them before and have been pleased with how good the phones were and they were in great condition. Also highly recommend Otterbox for phone cases. We’ve had numerous phone drops but Otterbox cases have saved the phones every time!

Merry Christmas, and remember you’d don’t need to feel guilty!!

I think that from OP’s later posts, she is probably going to buy one.

Totally her choice. I think she has felt endless guilt and quite a few posts on here have probably added to that. She was already wavering and the idea of refurbished has probably made it seem more affordable.

No-one needs to feel guilty about not buying their child a particular present they asked for. Op has already said no to DC and explained to them they won’t be getting it more recently. If they now ‘cave’ (their own words) then it will be harder in future to carry-through, especially if this DC has never had a ‘no’ followed through on.

There’s no right answer. Lots of parents buy their kids iPhones. I have. I have said ‘yes’ to some things my Dc really wanted and said ‘no’ to others.

Re big items, I’ve tried to think it all through, bear in mind my budget and other considerations and give an answer….and stick to it. Occasionally I changed my mind and later got them something I’d decided not to. But I wouldn’t describe it as ‘caving’. ‘Caving’ is responding to pressure. I’m not quite sure if OP has faced sustained pressure from their DC about the phone….or if the pressure to get it is from within herself. We all have to make choices. It is okay to cyanate your mind, but it’s also worth thinking about if there might be negative consequences of that too…it might not just be about the specific item.

Anyway, I hope OP can feel confident in whatever she chooses to do. It can be a great Christmas regardless.

I've always used music magpie for pre owned iPhones and haven't ever had a problem

If op does change your mind, she did ask and has had a mixture of responses.

I don't think it's caving in to think about something and change your mind.

You don't always have to dig your heels in just because.

There's caving in, but there's also giving something more thought and considering options.

Oh do give your head a wobble, she is 15, and is looking to get around the nutter controls from her mum.

15 year old school girls don't need to be worrying about compression issues with Meta apps. I'm an Android user that also uses Meta apps.

This is so true. Life as a teenager is tough enough and the reasons why you don't want to get her one is mainly around the hassle it may cause you rather than an actual reason.

iPhones are notoriously easy to navigate that's why they are so popular. If there is anything you don't understand, there are lots of tutorials on YouTube.

DD2 asked for an iphone at about that age. I took her into the shop. Pointed to the one she wanted and pointed out that selling the car wouldn't pay for it.

She took the point and we didn't hear anything more about it, and now she could buy her own, she's quite happy with her £100 android.

However I am still traumatised by not getting the one thing I wanted when I was 4yo. I mean I can't imagine why no one would get me the real live baby I asked for. I really was hard done by.

Teaching children and teengagers that not always getting what you want is a life lesson, harsh sometimes but a reality too. She is 15 and will soon be 16 and able to get a part time job. Perhaps do a deal that once she gets a Saturday/Weekend job and starts to save that you will equal the amount she saves until she has enough to buy the iPhone. That way she gets what she wants, learns that money has to be earned and you dont get everything in life you want for free. Hopefully it will help you feel less guilty for not buying it for her too. Said with kindness 😊

If you could afford it, I’d get her the iPhone. Honestly, it’s what most teens seem to have these days. And at 15, it’s time you lessened how you control her phone, especially if she’s nearer to 16. What are you intending doing - keeping tight controls until her 18 birthday and remove all in one swoop ?

And you know sometimes getting our teens something the think they mightn’t be getting can have a positive effect. Sometimes they just want to feel listened to and surprised - and in turn they can appreciate you all the more. But if your DD has a habit of dropping her phone, insist on an otterbox cover.

As I've explained - the issues only apply to taking photos within the apps. Take photos with the default phone camera - then upload to the app and the quality is entirely dependent on the phone camera specs and some android lenses and photo software are higher quality than IPhones.

@thiccapricot No she is not ‘at it’ I have explained upthread that there are widely documented compression issues with meta apps and android devices. You are right about the photo quality on the decides themselves, but don’t try to paint the OPs daughter as a liar to the OP

I asked DH about this as he has an android with better camera than my current model iPhone (he has used Samsungs for ages). He uses all sorts of social media posting photos and videos and said it’s not an issue at all, you just have to use alternative routes. Apparently one of our (young adult) kids who is prolific on social media does it same way with no issues. So seemingly very possible. If a man with many decades on knows this, although to be fair he does technically IT stuff for a living, then surely youngsters know as they are very tech savvy?

No idea what the hoo haa about iPhones is. I use iPhone because that’s my work phone so that and my personal phone can ‘speak’ to each other. DH uses android and all of our kids have always used android. Both DH and I replace phones every 2 years to latest model and we offer previous phones to the kids. Let’s just say I have a full drawer of old iPhones, not one android there, they are snapped up. I did ask why no one wanted my iPhones and was basically told by all they are shit in comparison🤷‍♀️.

I have the same phone (and for the same reasons) - but I find the photos quite acceptable for what I need as I don’t use social media at all.

I have been an “everything Apple” user since 1993 and my first PowerBook 145. And of course everyone in the family has an iPhone. So it’s with some embarrassment that I would say iPhones certainly do NOT have better cameras, at least compared with their Samsung equivalents. Either OP’s DD is badly misinformed about phone cameras, or the camera thing is just a cover for the “snob value” of an iPhone.

I don't use social media either but I do like having good quality photos of special occasions and it's noticeable when someone else takes a photo at the same time I do that there's comes out better.

They are at least as good if not better tbh

Isn’t this about keeping your daughter safe online. As a parent you have every right to address your concerns and stay true to your values. It also good for us all to know life can bring disappointments - it’s how we learn to deal with these things in life is a learning curve for us all. May be you can encourage her to save for her own and she will feel a sense of achievement, more independent and possibly a recognition that things don’t just appear gift wrapped or how we would necessarily like things to be.

@FrankSinatrasLoveChild if you do decide to get a refurbished one check when Apple are likely to stop rolling out updates to the model you can afford. Mostly for security but also because apps may not be compatible with all versions of the operating system.

It’s not just an Apple problem as with Android different manufacturers roll out different versions and updates at different times https://www.androidupdatetracker.com

As for cameras, generally Android, particularly Samsung, have had better cameras though as of the iPhone 15 I think that has changed.

Somewhat off topic but my friend’s DH refused to update her phone to a newer model, she lost online access to their joint account and their company account. I’m not entirely sure it wasn’t done maliciously. Always stay as up-to-date as you can.

I have a Samsung S23 - it takes brilliant photos. All this tra-la-la about iPhones being so superior is clever marketing.

Not sure what android you have, but Samsung's selling point has been that it has a better camera than iPhone. My daughter has an iPhone (and will keep having it bc it's too cumbersome to change her cloud etc) but when she goes somewhere with us and wants a good quality photo she asks to use our Samsung phone. So your daughter's argument may be questionable. She may want what her friends have as it may be easier to communicate, or go to the same sites, or simply to fit in with them. If you want to give her an iPhone (certainly not necessary) then talk to your carrier about having the same controls you have now before you agree. And go through the pluses and minuses of each phone.

iPhones don’t have better camera. Android wins when it comes to camera. I do have an iPhone. Don’t get her the phone. You’ll be doing yourself and her a favour in the long run. Kids need to know they won’t get everything

Mine have always bought their own iPhones .....but after Xmas and from friends at school who've just upgraded! They've used Saturday job,Xmas / birthday money. Not bothered in the slightest about not having the latest - just that they have one. And at an amazing price.