Not getting DD the one thing she's asked for for Christmas

[FrankSinatrasLoveChild]

I can't kick the guilt.

DD is 15, and has begged for an iPhone. She has a fairly decent android, and we're all on Android in the family. I have no clue about iPhones. I still have quite a lot of blocks and controls on her phone (a source of much tension), and wouldn't know how to maintain those on iPhone. Her reason for wanting an iPhone? The cameras on iPhones are so much more "compatible with social media" (i.e. - I assume? make you look better). It just doesn't sit right with me.

I've got her some clothes and make-up (she's really picky, though, so not a massive amount), and am going to give her some money to buy herself a new pair of trainers.

I've warned her she's not getting what she's asked for, but I know she's still hoping.

I just feel really bad about it. I'm not wrong, am I...?

You aren’t in the wrong for saying no, particularly if you can’t afford it, the phones are not cheap.

But realistically how much longer will you be monitoring her phone for if she’s 16 next year? I don’t think that’s a good reason in itself for saying no.

Personally I would have got her one but I do agree about the parental controls- it's taken me ages to set my DD's up without me having an iPhone to link it too. I've had to create an apple ID for myself to link it to. I'm satisfied with what I've done but will be looking into other apps too as she can just turn some of the settings off (safe search etc). I've also had to linked apple pay to her own bank account as I could not see an option of setting up a parental password. Would you consider getting her a new android with an amazing camera?

I always thought the cameras on iPhone weren't that good.

Iphones are over priced in my opinion. If you have already told her that she won't be getting an iPhone then you need to stick to that.

When my children were younger if they asked for something which was out of our price range I was always honest with them. If they whined about it as kids do I would say there were loads of things I wanted but couldn't have because they were too expensive.

We are an Apple family, but.... We wouldn't buy an iPhone for Xmas, and we never buy new, insane price. We always get apple refurbs and one or two specs back.

Samsung cameras are all known for being better. My son is a bit of an aficionado on this. He had an iPhone for a while which he funded himself by selling lego but went back to Samsung.

I would maybe tell her she doesn't have the iPhone.

The only reason my DH Iphone is better than my Samsung is because it is newer. When I get a newer phone, its always better than the Iphone.

We are a split android / iphone family (Phones, tv and iPad/kindles). For the kids android all the way, its cheaper for the same quality I feel. (we haven't hit the phone age yet so just kindles)

I also think its reasonable not to get everything of their wishlists. You don't get everything you want in life and starting with learning the smaller things like not getting everything you ask for for christmas is a good step.

I think you’re feeling guilt because you know how she is going to feel on Xmas day. You only get one childhood, she’s 15, all her friends will have one and I’m sure she wont forget you haven’t got her one. We all remember what it was like being a child and I think at 15 it’s standard to get phones etc. please make your daughters Christmas and get her an iPhone, I know many will disagree but personally I would- doesn’t have to be the newest one there are many good offers out there- sky mobile are pretty good x

The camera on androids is actually higher spec but iPhones are better assimilated to SM, so you can easily tell when an Android user uploads to Instagram. I could never use an android and completely understand your daughter’s perspective.

iPhone is VERY easy for parental controls. The blocks are easy to put in and thorough.

I’d have got it. You don’t need to know about phones to order one or could have went into a shop and asked.

Tbh, she’s wrong about the camera thing, unless she's talking latest models Iphone vs an older Android one. Battery life on Iphones is also crap and declines quite quickly. They're more intuitive and easier to use , but not necessarily better. I say this as an Iphone user.

Is it a specific Iphone she wants? Does she want it as a status symbol?

Would she be happy with a newer Android one , with more storage/better camera?

Your reasons for saying no aren't great, but neither are her reasons for wanting one. Reaching a compromise would be best.

If cost wasn't an issue, and it's purely down to the reasons you've stated, then I'd have got her one tbh especially since it's the only thing she wants.

You are the parent so you decide but your reasoning is really full of holes. We are an android/iphone household and it's really not a problem. I'd be more concerned that you think to are incapable of learning how to put parental controls on a phone. I have never had an iPhone (I like a huge screen so I'm Android) but I have an apple account so i could do the family sharing thing to restrict my kids phones when they were younger. If you don't want her to have an iPhone because they are too expensive be honest, it's a valid reason

I would have got her one too. She just wants to be like her friends and it is something that she really wants. If she is a good and respectful kid in general I would give her a lovely surprise on Christmas morning.

Since it’s not that you object her to having a phone or to using social media, I would have got her one too.

Your reason to not get one isn’t really an issue - you could easily Google how to set up parental controls on an iPhone.

"Better or worse" camera and integration depends very much on which model of phone she has/you're considering, as well as exactly how the camera is used and what features are important to the user. Generally, though, the best android cameras are considered slightly technically better than the most advanced iPhones. iPhone 14 Pro and up have the 48MP sensor, which offers significantly increased sensitivity, but doesn't clearly beat Samsung's advanced cameras. When in comes to shooting and editing video, though, most "experts" think that iPhones do have the edge - but you'd need the 15 Pro (which I believe is being discontinued) or the 16 or 16 Pro to get the differentiating range of features. These are pretty expensive phones!!

Has she asked for a particular iPhone model and has she had a chance to really test that model out - maybe borrowing from a friend or at least checking it out hands-on in store? The model that she has her eye on (and/or what you're willing to buy for her) may or may not be better than what she has. And even if it is technically significantly better, she may not really "need" the more advanced quality for whatever she's doing (or realistically hopes to do in the next few years) on social media. If she's really serious about it, though, and well-informed, a state of the art iPhone MAY be a reasonable desire for her if it's affordable for you.

If you really want to keep everyone on android, can you explore with her whether there are any androids that meet her needs - or, maybe, would she be better off keeping her current phone as a phone and asking for a hand-held camera instead?

We are a all Apple household so iPhones here. The best phone cameras around are Samsung Android... The newer (so VERY expensive) are good, but Samsung are better but only at the top of the range. Both would be more than I would be prepared to spend on a 15 year old.

Thank you all.

I can see your points about my reasons not being the best.

I have others, but the thing about setting up accounts etc is massive for me. I know some people don't think I should be monitoring at 15, and I don't monitor content (perhaps I SHOULD do more), but I have adaptable limits on the amount of time she can spend on social media apps. I wish I could prevent it altogether, TBH, given what we now know about its effects, but I know that's not possible. After watching the Emma Willis documentary, DD actually says she wants to cut down her phone use herself.

Cost is another issue.

Also, she has a history of taking the cases off phones and dropping them (although she swears she would never do that with an iPhone) 🙄

She says that literally ALL her friends have iPhones. If that's the case, I realise it must be hard for her, but FFS really?! They 15! And none of them have jobs.

iPhones are stupid money, especially for kids.
Samsung and pixel phones have superb cameras.

I would have got her it. It's not unreasonable for a teen to want an iPhone. The camera is better. I'm happy with Android but my teens like iPhone. Only iPhone.

From what I've seen iPhones are the phone for teens. I wouldn't deny them what they want just because I don't get the love for it. They have to be realistic about what model they get though because they're so damn expensive.

She will be disappointed but it's not the end of the world. * *

While I wouldn’t necessarily get her one I would say that you’ve been thinking about it and could do it as a joint Christmas/birthday gift, or she could earn money by doing jobs, etc. I don’t think it’s fair just to say no because you use a different system. Kids often want and get things for Christmas that you wouldn’t really want them to have (I’m looking at you, big plastic Batman cave) but we respect their right to want them.

There’s a lot of peer pressure and wanting to fit in at that age, and if the dominant phone at her school is an iPhone then she will naturally want that. For what it’s worth, they’re expensive but they’re a pretty good investment. I got my kids iPhones for Christmas 6 years ago and they used them for 4 years without a single complaint. I replaced them for Christmas 2 years ago and got cash back towards their new phone.

I don't think I'm incapable, but TBH I'm drowning in life admin, and the idea of learning a whole new system makes me want to run and hide.

It's a matter of time before android develop similar cameras to iPhones. Tell her she needs to wait till they do.

I would have paid for a refurbished iPhone I think - they're not that expensive second hand.

I would get it for her.

people are allowed to want something for reasons that aren’t deep and meaningful.

Thank you all again.

Are the refurbished phones on Amazon OK/trustworthy?

Not saying I'm getting one, but just to suss out the options....