Not getting DD the one thing she's asked for for Christmas

[FrankSinatrasLoveChild]

I can't kick the guilt.

DD is 15, and has begged for an iPhone. She has a fairly decent android, and we're all on Android in the family. I have no clue about iPhones. I still have quite a lot of blocks and controls on her phone (a source of much tension), and wouldn't know how to maintain those on iPhone. Her reason for wanting an iPhone? The cameras on iPhones are so much more "compatible with social media" (i.e. - I assume? make you look better). It just doesn't sit right with me.

I've got her some clothes and make-up (she's really picky, though, so not a massive amount), and am going to give her some money to buy herself a new pair of trainers.

I've warned her she's not getting what she's asked for, but I know she's still hoping.

I just feel really bad about it. I'm not wrong, am I...?

""Her reason for wanting an iPhone? The cameras on iPhones are so much more "compatible with social media" (i.e. - I assume? make you look better).""
Or does she desperately want an iPhone because her mates have one?
For what it is worth I have an android, always have done and no hearing to change . My DD has an iPhone and frankly there is no difference in the picture quality.

Both DP and I have iPhones, but I don't think you've done wrong. Parental guilt over Christmas wishlist items is always going to happen.

Odds are your kid knows you wont be able to keep up the parental controls. The difference in camera quality between modern phones is almost nonexistent. I would definitely not provide a child under 16-18 (depending on maturity) with an iphone purely because of the lack of safety features available

I got my dd a refurbished one from Vodafone on contract

Why are you even thinking about caving in? You get to call the shots. She's a child. I'd be interested to see what happens on xmas day when she doesn't get the phone. I never parented by committee so wouldn't give in because everyone else has one.

I know many have already answered but thought I'd just add my thoughts.
There's only DD 14 & I in the house (unless the cat has got a phone I'm not aware of!) I'm Android, she's Apple. There's plenty of comparative apps that help me support DD's phone use & location...Life 360 as an example. In our home we have an 'open phone' policy...if I ask to look at her phone, she knows I'm just trying to keep her safe. Most importantly, trust. I trust my DD & she has previously come to me with worries related to SM. We've come up with solutions together.
Being a teenager, of course she wants the latest phone so we have an agreement thst when it's free upgrade time, she pays any difference if she wants the latest phone. It works well. The contracts are both in my name and I get a 20% reduction for them both bring in my name.
Christmas is tough, especially if it's all on you as it is in my case. My DD is ND and very specific about what she would want/use as gifts. Her list has to be with me by the end of September so I've got time to give ideas to other family members and spread the cost over a few months. So far it's worked well. I'm lucky in a way that her birthday is early on in the year so we have a deal that anything not got for Christmas goes onto the birthday list, again, works for us but I'm aware that in a nuclear family of 2 we perhaps have it easier in some ways to come up with solutions that we are both happy with rather than having to factor in partners/siblings (my DP and I don't live together and DD is an only) x

I am really so surprised that most replies are in support of you getting her one! I’m 33 and only have a baby, so I’m perhaps a different generation to parents of today’s teens. But most of my peers don’t want their children having access to social media and devices. I actually work for a tech company and my colleagues with teens don’t tend to let them have smartphones either. Going off on a slight tangent…But maybe I just socialise and work in an echo chamber?! Regardless, I’m thankful to be surrounded by others who disagree with children having iPads and young teenagers being on social media. Perhaps I’ll have to hold a bit firmer on my views in future years, but I do think there is a growing resurgence against children having smart devices and you can buy more and more non-smart phones again now.

Have I read this right that your daughter wants the iPhone for social media purposes? Honestly, I think that’s an awful thing to give a teenager - something to make her potentially obsessed with posting content online. That can be so damaging. Yes, she already has access to social media and the means to make content but it sounds like she wants to be doing more of that? I can’t believe a previous poster has even suggested accessories like a ring light so she can be like an influencer. Really vile suggestion for a teenager.

Children (and 15 is a child) need to learn disappointment and boredom. It helps them to become well-adjusted adults who can cope with normal life challenges. It’s hardly as if you’ve bought her absolutely nothing for Christmas. She’s got some lovely gifts already, and she’s already got an adequate phone for limited social media which OP is able to monitor effectively.

(Edited to correct a typo)

It has a kind of grainy film and if watching a moving video a lot of it will pixelate. It’s really frustrating when the video on the device might be pixel perfect and the app used to upload compresses it into nothingness. Android users have harassed Meta to fix this for a long time.

Also, a lot of teenagers write over their pictures when posting to SM and the fonts offered on android look clunky and unprofessional. Same with the emojis.

Of course you can say that all of that is highly superficial - it definitely is - but that’s basically how you tell the difference.

I did find when DS went from an Android tablet to an iPad that the parental controls weren't as good. Android I can control remotely though an app, iPad the controls seem to be on the device.

Any website DS wants to look at on Android I have to approve. On iPad it just asks in the browser. DS clicks yes and that's it. Luckily he's not at an age where he'll challenge or be sneaky about it but I don't think it's great.

The latest Google Pixel and Samsung phones have cameras to rival Apple, if not better. Sounds like more of a status thing for your DD.

There can be perfectly good reasons why you don’t get them what they ask for - often that it costs more than you want to spend.

DC most likely wants an iphone as many friends have them. All the stuff about cameras etc is a red herring. But also, the stuff about not knowing how to use parental controls is a red herring too. These can be learned pretty easily.

In the end, this is about parenting choices and having confidence in your own decisions. Many people would get their teen an iPhone. Fine. Many wouldn’t. Many would decide it’s too expensive, esp if the DC has a decent phone already.

The question is whether you have the courage of your convictions OP. The thing is that you’re wavering…and this makes you vulnerable. Saying ‘no’is not a problem. No-one needs or is entitled to this item. It is totally up to you to set the tone and boundaries of Christmas. If you want to say ‘ we only do end up to X’ that’s absolutely fine. Many very well off fmaikies will do this. It’s often those who aren’t so well off that feel the pressure to give their kid what they ask for and somehow ‘prove’ themselves.

Personally, if I’d said ‘no’ a while ago and reiterated that, I’d stick to my guns. But I’m confudent in my choices and know that stuff like an iPhone don’t define me as a parent or my relationship with DC. I suppose though, if you think there was no particular reason to say no and it’s the kind of money you’re happy to spend, you can change your mind. But only do that if you feel really happy spending the money and it’s not because you’ve felt pressured by DC or by MN to do it.

My 11 year old and 17 year old both have iPhones and the amount of times they have broke them is ridiculous. I wouldn’t recommend . Also ,I like a nice camera for selfies ( yes, I know , grow up 🤣) I have a new one and it isn’t anything special at all !

Christ when I was a kid there was kids stuff and adults stuff..... that's just how it was. Adults had the latest tech, nice make up and perfume etc because they earned the money and they earned it. Kids knew not to bother asking for anything above a games console.......now its in reverse with parents going without to give into their kids latest demand and its madness.

She doesn't need an iPhone. She has a phone that works and that's good enough and it should be appreciated by her.

They don't. In fact Samsung have much higher quality cameras. It's not really the point though. Her friends probably all have iPhones.

Yes, some brands/models are as good or better - certainly the latest Samsung Galaxy S-series. IPhones do have slightly easier upload routes for social media. With Android it's best to use your phone camera and then upload rather than taking a picture from within Instagram or Facebook. That way the quality is the same.

I worry a little, that lots of parents feel they simply cannot disappoint their DC. It’s a bit like this thing about not being willing to say ‘no’.

And I’m not talking about saying ‘no’ for the sake of it or to exert power. Simply that parents do need to say ‘no’ sometimes and it doesn’t mean a child will be damaged. Not having an iPhone won’t impact their life in any significant way.

This could be a thread about an expensive pair of trainers, or wanting a car or anything really. At some point, most kids will want something and not get it. It’s not harmful but beneficial. I suppose if you reach 15 and have always had everything you’ve ever wanted at Christmas, it becomes harder for parents to say ‘no’…..but that’s the error. It’s better to say ‘no’ earlier on and that it becomes clear that quite often they won’t get everything they asked for.

In my view, it doesn’t help any child to always be given everything they ask for. I don’t know if OP should give an iPhone or not, but the principle that they should always get what they ask for, is foolish in my view. Learning to wait, accepting you won’t have everything you wanted….it all helps you appreciate what you have and be more balanced as a person. Too many kids (and adults) seem destroyed by not getting what they want….and it’s a real problem.

Good for you OP - stick to your guns - sounds like excellent parenting !

Don’t feel guilty OP. No 15 year old needs an iPhone.

Some posters are really enjoying a fifteen year olds disappointment a bit too much.

Stick to what you think is right.

It's not true, she is at it. Good excuse though, creative.

She wants the iPhone in order to have less parental controls, which may or may not be too far depending what they are. You are the parent though, so tell her 'no'.

She probably wants one because her friends all have them - seems the case here. We all have android but DS is not really bothered. I'd get her one for her 16 birthday, your losing control then anyway and normally would do something special as a present, I'd say on condition she shows responsible behaviour in the mean time, reasonable level of screen time and good approach to GCSE revision.

No she is not ‘at it’ I have explained upthread that there are widely documented compression issues with meta apps and android devices. You are right about the photo quality on the decides themselves, but don’t try to paint the OPs daughter as a liar to the OP.

She might also want to circumvent parental controls but you don’t have enough information to form that opinion

I dont think so.
It’s not about saying ‘no’ in order to cause disappointment, or suggesting OP sticks to her guns, so posters get some pleasure from the idea of someone not getting what they want.

It’s about being a parent and making choices and owning them….and having confidence in them. OP has told her DC that the item she asked for won’t be happening. Assuming she’s said that clearly, the message and then not getting the phone is absolutely fine. OP has reasons for not giving it.

People supporting OP’s choice aren’t doing it to enjoy the girl not getting what they g what she wanted. In fact, assuming she’s never been given exactly what she wants every time, and had already been to,d she won’t be getting it, the idea of terrible disappointment is overblown anyway.

People are supporting OP to have confidence in her parenting choices. This happens to be an iPhone, but parents saying ‘no’ to an item a child wants, or a trip they want to go on, or an event they want to attend…..is absolutely fine and being told ‘no’ is an important part of growing up. You’d hope this isn’t the first time the DC has been told ‘no’. To not get the phone, if they’ve never been told ‘no’ or if OP has always gone back on a ‘no’ previously probably would be disappointing. But at some point, a ‘no’ has to be a carried through on.

If OP doesn’t want to give one because of cost, or technical controls, or fear if it being damaged or whatever…it’s her choice as parent. This DC is going to have some nice presents. Her day and life isn’t going to be ruined by no iPhone on Christmas day.

I think we neeed to support each other in our different parenting choices. Just because some of us would have bought an iPhone for a kid, doesn’t mean others should. If we say ‘no’ we have to be prepared to carry through….and it’s not so we can get pleasure from saying no.

You've already caved in.

I've got an iPhone and my ex husband has an android. His takes brilliant photos as it has 3 cameras.

My old iphone with 2 cameras didn't compare. I changed to one with 3 and now the picture quality is excellent.

I got my children reconditioned older iPhones which were inexpensive and looked brand new. I got them off ebay.