If you want your kids to feel comfortable in middle & upper class environments now & when older what would you do to help them?

[Treetops11]

My parents instilled an inferiority complex in me when I was young. We lived in an undesirable estate & they always spoke about people getting ideas above their station , referred to people as "the lawyers son", "doctors daughter " etc... opportunities were never for people like us.

I now have my own kids 13, 11 & 8 , I never want them feeling lesser. We are comfortable but I always feel embarrassed in
middle class company as if I'm an imposter.

How can I equip my kids to fit in anywhere with all walks of life? It truely is an amazing skill to have.

Teach your children about the world and that they can have choices in this world too, just like most others.
I agree with using resources available to do this like museums, books, documentaries and travel.
Help them to do well in school so they can make choices for their future.

Don't 'other' people of wealth or a higher social status. Speak of them as people and talk about what they do rather than what they own.

Money isn't an essential ingredient in class and culture. Class is as much about making other people feel noticed and important. If they can learn not only how to be polite but how to listen and make other people at ease they will be welcome everywhere.

As a teen I looked after children from wealthy families and it really helped me see them as individual people and to comfortable in their beautiful homes so much so that as an adult I feel 'at home' in such places.

I would start to invest money for them, in a stock and shares isa and open a sipp for them.

So much advice on here about 'what to do' to 'make' your child comfortable in MC or UC company and I disagree with most of it. I agree with a pp that learning how to 'fake it' is NOT the same as actually feeling comfortable.

Imo it's money. Growing up with money. Just that.

I was brought up very poor. Awful sink estate, shit school, unemployed parents. Uni just wasn't a thing people like us considered. I did A Levels, got a job. Worked my way up, my life changed, I now do very well and have a good job, decent income, large 4 bed house in a terribly naice area...only 10 miles away from where I grew up but like chalk and cheese. My children have unarguably 'posh' accents wheras I certainly do not 😂

I have ALWAYS felt like an imposter. Died with embarrassment at the thought of someone 'spotting' my background. Crawled up my own arse at the mention of money. Felt inadequate and hid things about me in the worry it would make me look poor. Worried about whether I'm talking normally to Leighton from the end house who's an actual neurosurgeon with his own practice and clearly worth squillions. That kind of thing. Always been able to put a good front on but I've never FELT comfortable around people with money or status, no matter how many art gallery launches I attend 😂. I don't imagine I ever will, 100%.

Our children's upbringing has been entirely different. They have money. They've always had money, and the security that brings. Not spoiled 'I'll buy you presents' money. The level of money that's given then a large house in a posh area, a top (state) school, zero money concerns ever, open discussions about whether to go to the S of France because it's close or push the boat out and fly to the US, friends who casually mention that mummy just got a new job and now has to fly to Switzerland every Tuesday. Sure, we teach them table manners and we've done museums and theater sometimes but not that much. But it's the confidence that money brings that's ingrained in their every pore.

I'm fascinated by my children and how they are. Obviously I think they're great 😁 But they ARE truly, 100%, supremely confident and comfortable in this life with anyone and it's so different from me.

It's hard to explain...they have no shame about being 'less than' in any circumstance. They never talk about money but talk about all the things money brings like they're normal and no big deal...which they aren't to them, it's just part of every day life. They stay in a £1000 a night hotel suite in London and then spend the next weekend in a caravan on the East Coast and they enjoy both experiences and tell their friends about them equally without even seeming 'aware' of the difference.

Ds1 (16) often stops to talk to Leighton-the-neurosurgeon on his way to his college bus and he talks to him like one of his mates. Isn't particularly impressed or unimpressed by his job, status, obvious wealth...it just 'is', it's normal and everyday, like the time of his bus. He fits in with him naturally and Leighton has offered to let him have a go of his car after he passes his test (I've no idea what it is, some £100k sports thing that apparently is every teen boys dream).

They don't need to remember, practice or try to fit in with people with money or status. They just do, totally naturally. Because it's all they know and 'MC' people with money and status are just the boring norm.

Anyway, I'm rambling, congrats if you got this far and know what the hell I'm talking about 😂

It’s possible to be raised to be in top 1 or 2 % financially & to feel like you don’t fit socially.

Also the upper middle class kids are usually public school & families band together tightly. They can be quite snotty about outsiders.

I understand what you are saying, but my adult children definitely didn’t learn to “fake” anything. They grew up in a nurturing home, encouraging a love of reading, taking part in cubs, scouts, succeeding well in a variety of team sports, knowing parents were fully invested in supporting their education etc.
It wasn’t all about money - we didn’t have money for expensive holidays but they never went without football boots ( passed down ones sometimes!) or a lovely gift for birthdays and Christmas etc.
They were however, fortunate to attend local primary and secondary schools which were excellent and extremely nurturing.
They also somehow gravitated to friends with similar aspirations and hard working ethics
Something I read years ago was that a brilliant role model additional to/outside of the immediate family was very influencing. In my boys cases it was sporting coaches and a music teacher.

Its a tricky one OP.
My parents are from working class backgrounds and made a real effort to do all the things on this thread. I went to theatres, museums, country houses. All that.
And to be fair, I'm fairly confident in all the types of "posh" environment that a low income family could potentially manage, if they made enough of an effort. There are still plenty of even "posher" places where I would feel out of place. Simply because I don't have enough experience of them.
If I'm completely honest with myself, I'm most comfortable with people no more than one social grade away from me, in either direction.
I think most people are the same, if they are completely honest. Those that claim to mix easily with everyone often have less diverse social groups than they think ime.

Those that claim to mix easily with everyone often have less diverse social groups than they think ime.
Yes, I agree.

Table manners, holding cutlery "properly", just manners in general tbh.

I don't think saying you mix easily with different groups means you're close friends with a diverse range of people. It just means you speak to your electrician in exactly the same way as you do your dermatologist.

My parents were/are judgemental snobs and I had to teach myself manners and the principle that you treat everyone equally because every human has worth. This to me is fundamental in gaining self-confidence - truly believing you are neither better nor worse than anyone else.

Who thinks about this tripe?

People who don't have your privilege. HTH

I understand your hang ups @Treetops11, I grew up working class and totally naive to the privileges that so many people enjoyed. It was a slap around the face to be the first in my family to go to university and feel poor and uncultured (for want of better words).

But the solution isn’t to raise your children to be social chameleons, faking their way through different situations. Just raise them to carry themselves with manners and confidence, and be proud of their roots exactly as they are.

Or because you socialise regularly with electricians and QCs? DH and I are both from very poor WC backgrounds, got out via education, met at university and now lead very comfortable lives. Our friends are mostly architects, medics, academics, curators, writers, lawyers etc, but our families are binmen, cleaners, childminders, mechanics, lorry drivers, retail workers etc, as are many of our childhood friends.

Totally agree with the wise comments that you teach them to value and respect everyone. It really is that simple.

The unruly hair and lots of dogs post is taking the piss surely?!

Tbh I couldn't help laughing when I read about fish knives - I've never seen them in private schools canteens, including boarding (not public though - maybe it's Eton thing) 😂

Be careful what you wish for though our teen is extremely comfortable in upper class environments! So she now spends most of her time there and we as a normal family can’t compete. Not an issue I ever foresaw for the teen years but hey ho.

OP, I know this isn't exactly what you asked, but many parents with no experience of higher education don't realise that (in England at least) the amount that students can borrow from Student Finance will not be nearly enough to live on while at university. The system relies on parents making a substantial financial contribution to their children's maintenance. (You will find some students who will proudly tell you that they received nothing from their parents and supported themselves via part-time working, but this isn't a viable option for every degree at every university. ) You mention that you are comfortably off, so if you aren't doing so already, I would make sure that you have a monthly amount that goes into one or more savings accounts without fail ready to go towards your children's maintenance at university. Even for the oldest child, a relatively small amount saved monthly will add up to an amount that is big enough to be helpful. Be absolutely strict about not dipping into the money for anything else. If your DC ultimately decide not to go to university, there will no doubt be something else that the money can usefully be spent on.

How old are your kids?! Why did you feel.out of place?

They're very small - definitely not wine drinking age!

@twitwootoo the landed gentry aristos are apparently the very hardest set to try & break into!

🤣🤣 Hope you enjoyed yourselves!

If you are a lovely person good fun, kind, cool and attractive they will want to hang out with you. Your family background doesn’t matter.

I think as a lot of people have said on here manners and politeness.

build a natural sense of confidence in being comfortable speaking to a range of different people.

help them as they get older to engage with different things, news but not just one sided, why one group would feel one way and another group would feel differently. Clubs and activities they show an interest in.

help them to be confident and articulate with a range of different people.

A 'friend' of mine desperately wants to be MC or UMC. She has somehow developed this posh accent although her parents are northern working class and she didn't go to private school.
Her daughter and grandchildren have pretentious names. I eye roll a lot.

There are as many working class Williams (Bills), Harrys, Toms, Emilys and Olivias as there are middle class. These names along would never make someone assume middle class. They’re classics in every class.

Hugo, Horatio, Allegra, Cressida. They’re the names which automatically confer middle/upper class status.