If you want your kids to feel comfortable in middle & upper class environments now & when older what would you do to help them?

[Treetops11]

My parents instilled an inferiority complex in me when I was young. We lived in an undesirable estate & they always spoke about people getting ideas above their station , referred to people as "the lawyers son", "doctors daughter " etc... opportunities were never for people like us.

I now have my own kids 13, 11 & 8 , I never want them feeling lesser. We are comfortable but I always feel embarrassed in
middle class company as if I'm an imposter.

How can I equip my kids to fit in anywhere with all walks of life? It truely is an amazing skill to have.

I agree with this. Manners and giving them lots of opportunities to visit cultural places. Conversation at the dinner table so they learn to discuss and build social skills. Expose them to lots of different situations . Read to them when young, buy them books and encourage curiosity about the world. Teach them as many skills as you can. If you find something they are good at, encourage it for all you are worth. Praise them, encourage them , help them with homework and instill in them a love of learning.

Manners, manners, manners.

Knowing how to eat politely, how to look people in the eye, how to shake hands, how to hold a conversation, how to write thank you letters etc this stuff is so useful.

I was the opposite to you OP, I was expected to move in far loftier circles than I ever have but being able to walk into a room anywhere, with any company has been such a useful skill.

Although, nowadays it's more often used being the only woman in a room of grumpy farmers than posh types but still useful knowledge!

I'm privately educated but my parents gave very little positive feedback or encouragement. I'm not super confident even though I've travelled a lot and have done jobs with lots of presenting, eaten in posh restaurants etc etc.

My DH is mr Confident and you can put him anywhere with anyone. Bog standard comprehensive...but very loving parents who really praised his achievements.

Nurture your kids,

I always told my kids having good manners and being well spoken would get them far in life. The best education you can possibly provide also helps. It worked for my three.

Have good self esteem yourself, be capable yourself. Have children with someone that is also like this. Be personable and a good communicator and confident. Have an extensive vocabulary and speak correctly. Walk with confidence.

DH and I are well educated. We invited many of our colleagues to our home for dinner so DS met people from all over the the world we have had people from Malaysia, Iraq, Belarus, China, Australia and many other places so it’s absolutely no bother. Through work I actually met some North Koreans, though I didn’t invite them back.

DS has also travelled to quite a lot of countries, was taken out to nice restaurants from a young age. Had parents that could tutor in most subjects. His Great grandfather was an advisor to Government in WW2 on DH side.My ancestors were very successful business men in my country of origin, he knows all this.

Good manners looking someone in the eye while shaking their hand asking them about themselves really listening not rattling on about yourself serving other people before yourself manners manners manners it matters

Tell them to be their authentic self.

Thats it.

Manners and confidence in talking to people. Helps them experience a range of social situations and how to behave, think about table manners, etiquette in theatre, introduce them to adults and help them learn how to have conversations. Give them opportunities to be independent and build confidence. Give them a nudge out of their comfort zones. Read to them all the time. Watch documentaries together and discuss them. If you can afford it ensure they have a sporting /physical hobby and an instrument if you can afford both. Encourage them to have a go and join in with things at school e.g sign up for the school production, join the eco club, be a class rep. Always encourage them and discuss different possible futures and research them.

I was the first in my family to go to university, I was lucky because I'd had quite diverse experiences as a child living in London so lots of museums, galleries and eating out so it wasn't too much of a culture shock but I was painfully aware that I hadn't experience the same encouragement to develop my own hobbies and skills when all my uni peers were signing up to clubs and societies.

Speech and drama lessons or local theatre club

By sending them to private school.

Do the opposite of your parents basically! Model being socially confident yourself.

V proud that Dd 16 has mates from council houses and fully staffed mansions.

Was v sad to see young girls at her primary school when I helped out already with a “not for the likes of us”
attitude which I found sad.

Private school is a red herring dds social group entirely mixed they go to various local schools state or private irrelevant

I think confidence comes from being treated with respect from a young age as well as being loved unconditionally - growing up believing that your thoughts and feelings matter and that you're worthy of being heard.

Cultural capital is important, as others have said, for feeling able to "fit in".

And teaching your kids than everyone is fundamentally equal, regardless of class, race, sex, age, status etc. That all human beings have equal value and should be treated with dignity etc.

What instilled this in dh was the secondary school he went to. Gave him self belief and the ability to talk to absolutely anyone on any level.

Education, manners and to be themselves, whatever that is. They will discover for themselves who they are comfortable with, that's not something that you can decide for them. The best advice I was ever given was to be kind and don't be a dick.

I actually disagree with this and think family is actually a far bigger influence. I went to private school...it was quite diverse...when I look at what my old schoolmates are doing and how their lives have worked out...vast majority are living a similar life to their parents

Speech and Drama lessons (elocution)
Independent school, even a minor one
To play a musical instrument or have singing lessons
Manners
Reading

Table manners. We’re what you’d call middle class I guess but my husband is from a very WC background where his parents did not teach that stuff and I’ve said to him our kids need to be able to sit in a restaurant for a work meeting etc and know how to act appropriately and not feel out of place. I used to go to a lot of meetings with clients in posh places in London and although it wasn’t anything my family did I never felt out of place because I felt confident.
Leaning a musical instrument. Going to musicals and art galleries. The theatre.

My friends mum said uni is for rich people. Well she went anyway and got her English degree. I said it will be you in the job interviews not your mum!!

Being able to use good grammar and spelling.

I get exactly what you mean. I had similar upbringing and even though I was a teacher for 40 years always felt an imposter. As far as my parents were concerned that was still far inferior than the doctors son, the lawyers daughter etc. In particular because I was a female, Back in the 50’s our future “ careers weren’t considered of much importance!
My three children have no such inferior complexes so don’t worry. They saw their parents with a good work ethic, were encouraged and supported in their education and extra curricular activities. They had a wide range of friends with varying backgrounds and standards of living but never felt inferior or worth less than the better off ones.
As someone else said, you’ve identified what made you feel like that so I’m sure you will be able to help yours avoid feeling the same

Self esteem - a belief that no one is better or worse than you based on money , class or status .

In terms of manners, the thing is you don't want to create an air of subservience and grovelling...that'll be a dead giveaway

Haven't rtft, just your posts, but I would say bringing them up to see themselves and everyone else as just people is the key thing.

Judging people by things that are utterly irrelevant to their worth as a person, such as the job they do, the clothes they wear or the way they speak is dehumanising and othering. If you take each person as an individual whose worth is given only by their actions and their way of treating others, you bypass any issues around class (or anything else).

It is particularly easy these days with people like prince Andrew being the perfect demonstration that all the privilege in the world does not make you a better person....but most important is to take each person you interact with as an individual, to be evaluated on their own merits.

If you do that, they will pick it up and do it naturally too.

My friend will not use the word "posh" about anything when she talks or in front of her children.

She feels that it gives off the message that someone or something is better than you.

She teaches her children that they can be anywhere, do anything and mix with anyone.

Encourage reading
Days out, museums, stately homes 😁 National Trust etc
Camping holidays in Dorset
Second hand Boden clothes
Long unruly hair for both sexes
Lots of dogs
Instill that Uni is important
Get them interested in world news/events
Talk about cultural news/world events
Encourage nature walks, countryside days out
Scouts/Brownies etc
Musical instruments
Tell them everyday they are wonderful unique human beings and equal to everyone.

Leave Radio 4 on all day. My working class parents did (still do) and consequently I grew up with a very neutral-sounding accent.