Don't ask your spouse questions you don't want the answer to.

[anissa834]

Recently me and one of my brothers was chatting while playing grand theft auto online together and at some point, he talked about his wife that asked him if he is happy being married to her and he gave an honest answer.

He said he is happy in general wether he is married or not. He is happy with or without her and that is true.

Before getting married, he is been in several relationships and he always told me that he never cried over any girls and was always indifferent whenever his relationships would end and he always moved on very quickly and continue living his life as if nothing happened.

When he told his wife that, he didn't give me much details but he said she was basically offended.

Never ask certain questions to your spouse if you don't want the answer.

You possibly come from a culture where families can be absolutely relied on, usually. But there are many of us whose families simply don't feel that kind of loyalty. And partners may actually be more supportive. So that may not work for everyone.

Free fuck, clean house and cooked food?

What century do you live in? 😂😂😂

I asked my husband a question. I didn't like the answer. Best thing I ever asked. Divorced from him now. Not to say it didn't hurt like hell but I'm better off away from him.

@anissa834 your brother sounds very cruel and lacking in emotional intelligence.

But he said it would not bother him either way. Which implies he doesn’t care about sex, cooked food and a clean house.

So if he doesn’t care that much why not remain single. As he has had multiple partners and now a wife it suggests he felt the need to put effort into finding somebody.

Which is a weird thing to do to be in an situation that you claim not to care about being in.

I don’t think he was telling the truth and was deliberately trying to humble his wife.

Thank you for explaining this to that poster much better than I can. I couldn't actually be arsed!

Wow, yes marriages are meant to last forever sometimes they don’t but the original intention is they will. And as for your spouse not having your back am sorry you have had poor relationships , your thinking is not normal and and spouse is your family.

I suppose you're free to 'disagree' with objectively documented fact, if you so choose. Everyone needs a niche hobby!

Sure. On the other hand, the UK divorce rate reveals that approximately 42% of marriages end in divorce, highlighting the prevalence of marital breakdowns. Usually happens between 4th and 8th year. Of the remaining 58%, I wonder how many marriages are happy. Mumsnet is not a representative example of course…as people usually post when something goes wrong, etc.

"He serves a purpose"...so you are using him? unless of course he feels the same way.
I sure as hell wouldn't want some 'fuck buddy' just because I was convenient.

And it sounds like that's what you are....convenient ....for now.

How old are you? This sounds like a very immature perspective.

To play devil’s advocate, this article suggests otherwise
https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2019/may/25/women-happier-without-children-or-a-spouse-happiness-expert

‘We may have suspected it already, but now the science backs it up: unmarried and childless women are the happiest subgroup in the population. And they are more likely to live longer than their married and child-rearing peers, according to a leading expert in happiness.’

The expert interviewed continues ‘We do have some good longitudinal data following the same people over time, but I am going to do a massive disservice to that science and just say: if you’re a man, you should probably get married; if you’re a woman, don’t bother.’

So this article in the Guardian claims that marriage is good for men, not so good for women.

This is the perfect response.

OP your brother sounds like he said that to hurt his partner.

Of course everyone can be happy single or in a relationship - but that's not what she asked, so his answer is deliberately mean

Yes, agreed. Sorry, I'm not sure how you think we are disagreeing?

The poster I was responding to 'disagreed' that women make men live longer and stated that men live long, happy lives whether married or not.

As you and I have seen, the research very much shows that men do in fact live longer, happier lives if married. People are free to 'disagree' with that evidence if they so wish but I think it's an odd, evidence-free position to take!

Being independent doesn't mean being void of emotions.

I'm independent I was single a long time before I met my partner, but I absolutely would be heartbroken if we split up. Does that mean I wouldn't be happy in the future and move on probably not.

But if he asked me if I was happy with him, I would say wholeheartedly I was. Saying you don't care either way is just being mean and I hope his wife finds someone who chooses her and wants her, not half heartedly.

You and you brother both sound like you are avoidant attachers. It's not a good thing.

OP said, ‘Men live long happy lives married or not.“. It looks like men are happier when married. Agreed.

On the other hand, OP’s attitude about marriage might be justified for what one experiences as a woman when married. If you believe the Guardian article, women are unhappier when married.

And, In general research has found that, up to five years after their divorce, female divorcees, particularly mothers and those in older age, tended to be worse off than men, even where they had re-partnered.
https://www.princefamilylaw.co.uk/news/research-reveals-the-reality-of-divorce-finances-for-most/

So, the man ends up better off financially and often will marry again because it is a better deal for him emotionally and he’s not as hit financially. When the OP’s brother said I am happy with my wife or without her, and if it doesn’t work out, I move on…presumably then being with someone else, it kind of makes sense. If he divorces, he’ll won’t suffer the financial consequences, and if he marries, he get the emotional benefits. Men seem to win either way.

People get married so that they have a lifelong friend. Someone who understands them better than anyone else on earth. Someone with whom they can share the joys and the grief of life in a way that they cannot do with other people. In an ideal world, a married couple should be two halves of one circle, joined in both emotional and physical initmacy. It should be a unique relationship encompassing every aspect of life's journey. It is not wrong to "need" your partner as well as love them. Humans need security and companionship. Marriage should be the embodiment of these qualities.

Experience tells me that there is no polite way to tell certain truths because it is the message itself, not the delivery, that people don't like.

When someone asks if they look fat, they’re not asking for an objective critique-they’re seeking reassurance or comfort

Then ask for what you actually want and not something else! If you said to me "I'm worried about attending this event and I'm struggling to find the courage to walk in", I'd offer to walk in with you. Your lack of clarity is not my fault and it's deeply unjust to brand me "cruel" for taking your question at face value.

It’s entirely possible to remain authentic without being cruel or alienating

40+ years on this planet tells me that this is a lie. Me being authentic is read by others as cruel. Me masking is read by others as slightly-less cruel. The pay-off from masking isn't worth the effort.

The OP began by saying, "I have to disagree on wether [sic] women make men live longer. Men live long happy lives married or not."

OP wasn't taking about women. OP was taking about men. Specfically about their longevity. OP was not talking about men who marry again (who would, again, reap the life-extending benefits to men of marriage) but comparing married and single men. OP considers the longevity of married vs single men to be the same. OP is factually incorrect.

Agreed that OP would have been incorrect in the other direction were they making that same statement about women.

Agreed with all sorts of other points on your post. None of that is devil's advocate to my pointing out that the OP is factually incorrect in their statement.

Ideally, yes I’d agree. Realistically, it is a tall order. I think the OP is too cynical, but I can understand where the cynicism might come from.

🙄Where's that 'Sure, Jan' gif when you need it?

Ok. I was looking at her series of posts as a whole and trying to understand where she was coming from and why she might think that way.

You were looking at one of her statements in isolation and doing something akin to a geometrical proof.

On the other hand, this study might throw everything in the air again
https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/5-types-of-people-who-can-ruin-your-life/202403/is-marriage-good-or-bad-for-women#:~:text=Married%20people%20are%20thirty%20points%20happier%20than%20the%20unmarried.”&text=A%20deeper%20look%20into%20this,for%20both%20men%20and%20women.
😀

This one is close

Indeed! I think that's where we missed each other!

Believe me, I understand too. After 26 years of marriage I discovered that idealism rarely ever matches reality - especially where men are concerned. A good marriage is worth more than words can say, but sadly they seem to be rarer than white rhinos.