Don't ask your spouse questions you don't want the answer to.

[anissa834]

Recently me and one of my brothers was chatting while playing grand theft auto online together and at some point, he talked about his wife that asked him if he is happy being married to her and he gave an honest answer.

He said he is happy in general wether he is married or not. He is happy with or without her and that is true.

Before getting married, he is been in several relationships and he always told me that he never cried over any girls and was always indifferent whenever his relationships would end and he always moved on very quickly and continue living his life as if nothing happened.

When he told his wife that, he didn't give me much details but he said she was basically offended.

Never ask certain questions to your spouse if you don't want the answer.

The OP and her brother sound cold and emotionally stunted.

I'm not sure what she hopes to achieve by being so smug about it TBH. They both lack empathy. Her response to expecting a solicitor's letter shows how little she understands human nature.

She also makes it very clear that she doesn't like her SIL.

IMO the SIL is better off out of this family.

How long will it be before this thread gets deleted?

I am autistic. I recognise that the expectation trap that you call "social etiquette" exists, even though I don't understand every detail of its mechanics, and I dismiss it as manipulative, undermining of trust within society, and rude.

If you expect me to lie to you about little things like your dress, how you can trust me to tell you the truth about the big things, like whether your cheating husband asked me to cover for him? You cannot have an unwritten list of things to lie about, another list of things never to lie about, and expect me or anyone else to navigate that.

ever thought someone asking if their arse looks fat is just feeling insecure

This is not my problem to fix and does not justify them compelling me to choose between lying and being called rude. I am not anyone's emotional support human and they are rude and yes, narcissistic, if they try to treat me that way.

I wouldn't be so smug about my brother if he was so openly cruel to his wife.

bloody hell, OP, neither you nor your brother appear to have any emotional intelligence at all.

His answer was "oh I tell it like it is, me" without thinking of the consequences of saying stupid things. I'm another who thinks his wife will be getting all her ducks in a row. I hope she is, anyway.

You and your brother sound like you have an unhealthy, over-intense relationship if you smugly chat together about how you don't give a shit about your spouses and think 'only family' is what matters. You and your brother both sound like really immature, cliquey, enmeshed sibings who haven't managed to break away and form normal relationships outside of blood family. That's not independent or mature. It's the absolute opposite of that.

You obviously don't like his wife and are being unpleasant and gleeful and superior about the fact that she was rightfully upset. What's your brother doing sharing his personal marriage issues with you any way? Why are you encouraging him to treat his wife like shit?

FWIW, what you have described re. your brother is not a sign that he is emotionally mature and independent. What you have described isn't just someone who is capable of being happy when single. What you have described is someone who doesn't love their spouse.

I was happy when I was single. But loving someone means you would rather be with them than without them, and that your life is better with them in it than it was without them. Sure, I'd survive without my partner. I wouldn't curl up and die. But I'm with him because he makes me very happy and without him, a source of happiness would be gone. That's a normal human relationship.

Did you and your brother have your marriages arranged for you, by any chance?

Could he just be a bit clumsy with his words? For instance I'm an introverted person but I have an inner confidence and am happy in myself. That doesn't really change whether certain people are around me or not. I'm just sort of a middle of the lane type and just quietly potter about life and enjoy myself. I find joy in simple stuff and love my dh and kids. My life is enriched by having my dh and children in it and I would choose them again in every lifetime however I was happy before they came into my life too. I've always been independent and my inner happiness doesn't tend to depend on other people. I don't think that's a bad thing. So could I live without my dh, arguably yes but I don't want to.

Ok, so you're autistic which explains it. That doesn't mean it's everybody else who is wrong in society to tell little white lies sometimes - it's called not wanting to hurt peoples feelings.

My dd is autistic and I'd never ask her a question I didn't want an honest answer to! Sometimes people are just making conversation - if we all went around in life telling everyone exactly what we thought of them/revealing inflammatory secrets it would be carnage!

just in case anyone didn't correct this: it comes from Happy Days when in one episode The Fonz was waterskiing, and literally jumped over a shark

When he told his wife that, he didn't give me much details but he said she was basically offended. Never ask certain questions to your spouse if you don't want the answer

I feel sorry for his wife and for anyone you get involved with. The fact the both of you don't understand the subtext of this situation is not good. It's UTTERLY daft and emotionally stunted actually, given the context.

People sometimes ask these questions when they feel insecure, ignored or are trying to squeeze out affection from someone who doesn't meet their needs in that way. Sometimes they can sense something is wrong as it's their way to try and fix things.

What they want is comfort & reassurance, and if the answer is not as nice as they expected, they want something they can hopefully work on together, as a couple, because one person is unhappy.

Before getting married, he is been in several relationships and he always told me that he never cried over any girls and was always indifferent whenever his relationships would end and he always moved on very quickly and continue living his life as if nothing happened

It's clear that he was never in love with them, and might not be in love with his wife either, hence the total indifference.

Romantic love isn't some kind of 'yeah you're alright' type of thing. It's not merely liking someone, find them sexually attractive, or simply not minding they're there. It's also not valuing someone for how useful they are, or the services they provide.

Some men are with their partners because they quite like being 'looked after' and they want the sex. They regard women as a household appliance - quite useful, but not something you get heartbroken about, and you can always just replace them if you want another one. If they want companionship, they can get that from their male friends, which they regard as their equal.

Unfortunately, there seem to be many men in relationships that are just like that, where they think that's love. Some people genuinely can't tell the difference sadly.

The only reason to legally tie yourself to another person, introducing all manner of complexity into your life, impacting your family and your future, is if you think you are happier with them than without them.

Otherwise, it’s more like acquiring a domestic appliance- easily replaceable.

I care about my sister in law because she makes my brother happy. To be honest, I would care about her even more if I thought he was making her unhappy.

loving someone means you would rather be with them than without them, and that your life is better with them in it than it was without them

You can rather be with someone than not and at the same time be happy with or without them.

Is everyone else ascribing an unwritten meaning to the OP's brother's assertion that he would be happy with or without his wife that he didn't actually state?

Gosh, thank you @anissa834

How ever did we get by without you?

Sounds like your brother is well-adjusted and reasonable and his wife is insecure with an unhealthy psychological dependency on him.

I disagree. He sounds cold and heartless, and I don't think she has an unhealthy psychological dependency at all.

Have you never loved anyone?

no, it comes from the tv show happy days, when the fonz character literally jumped a shark while waterskiing

It was said that it was such a stupid stunt done to generate interest in the show as it was winding down

Its used in reference to something done in a futile attempt for attention while said attention is waning

edit to add link to article explaining it better than I did
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jumping_the_shark

I don't think families have each other's back anymore either. Read the thread about a poster not wanting to share her lottery money...she has good reason. When she was down and out, her sister made her pay rent to live on her driveway in a van and made her do household chores.

That's the one - not Jaws! How could I forget that😂

I also vehemently disagree that only family ie. siblings have your back,my dh is my family!

Interesting - you're the same OP complaining on another thread about your work colleagues being too needy because they expect you to engage in basic small talk in the work place!

Some men are with their partners because they quite like being 'looked after' and they want the sex. They regard women as a household appliance - quite useful, but not something you get heartbroken about, and you can always just replace them if you want another one. If they want companionship, they can get that from their male friends, which they regard as their equal.

Absolutely. Some men do not regard women as their equals. Women are useful to do domestics, raise the kids (preferable boys), for sex, and when at work, as eye candy and to do their work for them at a lower wage. Was it ever thus.

Your family sounds dysfunctional

@anissa834 What do you think your brother brings to his wife’s life? Why is she married to him?

It sounds to me as though she may be happier without him in her life. We generally try to make our spouses happier. When your partner isn’t interested in making you happy, that’s a lonely marriage.

This.

Are you the OP who doesn't speak to your colleagues except for good morning?

I was on your side but starting to think I was hoodwinked.