Infertility and baby at work Christmas lunch

[TintedMug]

It’s our work Christmas lunch next week. It’s on a working day and they’ve just extended everyone’s lunch breaks so we have 2 hours instead of 1 and it’s on work premises.
One woman is on maternity leave but will be coming to the lunch end bringing her baby. Which is obviously fine generally. The issue is for me, I’m not sure I’ll cope. We were pregnant at the same time (not that she or anyone else knew as I didn’t tell anyone) but I miscarried at 9 weeks. That was an IVF pregnancy (have been trying for 5 years naturally and IVF over that time) and was my second miscarriage. Since she’s been pregnant and had the baby I’ve had another round of IVF and lost that one as well last month. And that’s it for us. Due to age and finances we are at the end of the line. I will now never have children. Obviously this is something that I’m struggling to come to terms with.

I’ve spent years faking being fine with not having children. I tend to tell people I don’t want them or just make a joke about being too old and set in my ways for that “haha” plus I love my holidays “haha”. I don’t. I can’t afford holidays after paying for multiple IVF. I don’t think even my husband knows how devastated I am. I tell him it’ll all my fine and we’ll have lovely holidays in the future. But really I contemplate leaving him regularly so he could try and meet someone else to have children with as he so desperately wanted to be a dad and it’s my fault he can’t.

How can I get through this meal? Everyone is so excited about her bringing the baby. The group chat has been renamed from Christmas lunch to cuddles with baby. I can’t call in sick as I can’t let the job down and also I’m self employed so won’t get paid. So what reason could I have for not going in the middle of the day? Realistically I know there isn’t a reason and I have to suck it up. But I’m not sure I’ll make it through the afternoon. I’ll be seeing clients all afternoon and need to be “happy” and on it. I usually time seeing friends babies so I can go home and cry after. But I can’t do this next week. This is also the first time I’ll be around a baby since my last miscarriage and realisation it’ll never happen for me.

To be honest I don’t know why I’ve written this thread. I know non parents on here don’t get well received. I’ve read enough threads about how lonely I’ll be in old age and how much of a burden I’ll be on society. So yeah I get it. I’m not as important as mothers so I just need to get over myself. I know that.

Don’t go to the lunch. Say you have work to and work through? You don’t have to be round a baby if you don’t want to. That’s not fair to you.

Have a work crisis that requires you to work through lunch in order to prepare for the client meetings in the afternoon?

So sorry about your losses. Can't imagine how you must be feeling and I don't blame you for not wanting to go along.

I don't have advice about the lunch per say but I just wanted to say that it sounds devastating and it's totally understandable that it is too much for you to be there.
And if you're getting messaging that you're lesser for not having children it's bullshit.

Don’t go it will be too much and I know what it’s like trying to get through something like that and not cry it’s just awful. Don’t put yourself through it

Sorry to hear of the very rough year you have had .

I would get an "emergency" phone call and have to nip somewhere to someone locked out and then be back and shucks you missed th lunch but sure you did your good deed.

Agree with the others - don’t do this to yourself. I experienced something very similar years ago with a colleague who brought their newborn into the office on multiple occasions because she was bored at home and liked showing her off, even though she knew I’d been pregnant at the same time and lost my baby late in the pregnancy. She used to come in and stay for hours in the office and I absolutely couldn’t cope emotionally with it. My boss who was child free didn’t see the problem and the new mum also felt it was unfair that I was expressing a preference that she didn’t come in. It never really got solved for me but as a manager I’d never put an employee through this kind of trauma.

I would fake a situation which means that you have to work through the lunch to be ready for your meetings in the afternoon but I’m sorry you are having to do this.

And mute the WA group for a time after as it may be photos etc

Oh I really feel for you. Is there anyone at work - a friend, your manager - that you can confide in? Not all the details if you don't want to share, but just explain that it's too hard for you to join in?
If you absolutely have to make an appearance, I would go and sit as far away from colleague and baby as possible, if that's feasible? And invent an excuse to duck out as soon as you can.

You won't be lonely in old age, OP, because hopefully you have friends. And having adult kids is no guarantee that they'll stick around.
You are not less important than everyone else - childfree people are equally valuable, and keep the world turning!

migraine, and have a cosy afternoon at home with your favourite films/tv series.

after 2 losses and many people asking over and over - I found the best way to deal with it was honesty, 'I'd love to, but have had 2 losses this year, so please don't keep pushing it' it nips it in the bud, and the only person who actually feels awkward is them. I don't think I could keep lying about holidays and laughing it off when in reality breaking inside.

Have to pop out out just before due to a "crises" or "pick something up" then message to say you are stuck and won't be able to make it to lunch.

Sympathies OP 💐 and un-mumsnetty hugs to you, what a tough situation.

Could you have to attend some sort of medical/dental appointment that’s been moved to this time/date at the last minute? If you need a believable story, I can tell you my NHS dermatology appointment was cancelled and moved around loads - it wasn’t urgent but I’d waited a year for it so I made sure I prioritised it over a planned team lunch.

It would also be good to let one trusted colleague know so they don't then bring the baby up to the office for your cuddle.

Sending you so much love, it's a heartbreaking situation to be in 💐

Hugs 💐 you and your feelings matter.

Could your house alarm be going off uncontrollably/ your boiler leak + plumber has to come round at lunchtime to sort? Feasible but not a whole day emergency.

Maybe you have an emergency dental appointment that can unfortunately only be at that time? Or be sick and let them down and think just of yourself for once. Your pain is real and you don't need to fake it to make everyone else happy. Sending lots of love OP.

I wouldn’t share it with anyone at work because once it’s out you couldn’t control this. I would think hard about “emergency call or something “ don’t tell us your idea as the new mum could be on MN, highly likely.
I found chewing gum or sore throat lozenges helpful in these situations, the movement calms me down a bit. And set a timeline and stick to it
Only sympathies, hope you’ll find your happiness in life.

Please tell your DH how devastated you are.

I’m so sorry for your losses op, and feel your devastation about letting your dh move on to someone who can give him his dream of being a dad - but his dream was to be a dad with you as the mum, so I frankly doubt that will magically solve his problems either.

Regarding the lunch - it’s perfectly acceptable not to go. Simply say you have a splitting headache so you’re going to take a walk instead to freshen up for a busy afternoon. And take the walk. Or, Maybe clear it with your manager and say you have some personal issues and cannot cope with Christmas lunch this year - you don’t have to specify what.

You are grieving the children and the life you aren’t going to get. Christmas is undoubtedly a hard time to be grieving.
I would be surprised if you are the only person dreading that Christmas lunch celebration.

Absolutely no one on MN should be considering you a burden or somehow inferior, whether you are childless by choice or necessity.

have some sort of house related emergency, luckily found someone who can come round but unfortunately it’s during the Christmas lunch, so sorry to miss you all but these things can’t be helped!

I don’t have any advice - it’s unfair to you to miss out on your Christmas lunch because of this, it’s unfair that she shouldn’t be able to go because she can’t leave the baby, it’s rubbish all round.

I just want to empathise and say of course you are as important as mothers are, this is an incredibly shit situation and you’re in the worst bit, keep going and do whatever feels kindest and easiest to yourself at the time. And talk to your husband about how you feel xx

Op I’m so sorry for what you’re going to. I agree with the suggestions to engineer a lunchtime emergency - either dentist (loose filling after a toffee), or needing to get home for a plumber or something like that.

Oh I really feel for you.
My initial thought was say a last minute appointment (Dr, dentist, hospital etc).
I do think you should try and talk about it though, not necessarily to everyone but maybe to your manager. You are holding a lot in and putting on a brave face but you are obviously devastated.
There's a lot of secrecy that goes with pregnancy issues and loss but it can cause so much trauma.
Sending you lots of love 💗

I wouldn’t go - in fact I’d call in sick and take a MH day. Frankly, you are likely entitled to be signed off while you come to terms with where you are and have a bit of counselling. Can you go and chat to HR and get compassionate/sick leave for that day, and maybe a few days around it?

It is important not to dismiss the impact of this and to get support. I had 5 recurrent miscarriages after my first was born and found attending baby groups with my first born were purgatory when people announced new pregnancies, or bumps started growing etc. I’d excuse myself and child early and sob all the way home. It took me years to come to terms with - please seek some support.

Sending you a hug.

I'd ring in sick it's not worth the upset xxx

Just ask if you can do something else for those two hours, speak to a manager and just say for personal reasons you'd rather not attend, and can you work through, or nip out somewhere instead. I'm sure they would be fine with that, none of the others are going o be working either, if they ask why, just say you'd rather not say.

Please tell your husband how you feel, it's an awful burden to have to carry alone, I mean this kindly, but I would say by not telling him you aren't letting him share your grief, and he may feel he has to mask his own as well. Ultimately he is the person you have chosen to spend your life with, he is the one person you don't have to pretend to be fine around.