Infertility and baby at work Christmas lunch

[TintedMug]

It’s our work Christmas lunch next week. It’s on a working day and they’ve just extended everyone’s lunch breaks so we have 2 hours instead of 1 and it’s on work premises.
One woman is on maternity leave but will be coming to the lunch end bringing her baby. Which is obviously fine generally. The issue is for me, I’m not sure I’ll cope. We were pregnant at the same time (not that she or anyone else knew as I didn’t tell anyone) but I miscarried at 9 weeks. That was an IVF pregnancy (have been trying for 5 years naturally and IVF over that time) and was my second miscarriage. Since she’s been pregnant and had the baby I’ve had another round of IVF and lost that one as well last month. And that’s it for us. Due to age and finances we are at the end of the line. I will now never have children. Obviously this is something that I’m struggling to come to terms with.

I’ve spent years faking being fine with not having children. I tend to tell people I don’t want them or just make a joke about being too old and set in my ways for that “haha” plus I love my holidays “haha”. I don’t. I can’t afford holidays after paying for multiple IVF. I don’t think even my husband knows how devastated I am. I tell him it’ll all my fine and we’ll have lovely holidays in the future. But really I contemplate leaving him regularly so he could try and meet someone else to have children with as he so desperately wanted to be a dad and it’s my fault he can’t.

How can I get through this meal? Everyone is so excited about her bringing the baby. The group chat has been renamed from Christmas lunch to cuddles with baby. I can’t call in sick as I can’t let the job down and also I’m self employed so won’t get paid. So what reason could I have for not going in the middle of the day? Realistically I know there isn’t a reason and I have to suck it up. But I’m not sure I’ll make it through the afternoon. I’ll be seeing clients all afternoon and need to be “happy” and on it. I usually time seeing friends babies so I can go home and cry after. But I can’t do this next week. This is also the first time I’ll be around a baby since my last miscarriage and realisation it’ll never happen for me.

To be honest I don’t know why I’ve written this thread. I know non parents on here don’t get well received. I’ve read enough threads about how lonely I’ll be in old age and how much of a burden I’ll be on society. So yeah I get it. I’m not as important as mothers so I just need to get over myself. I know that.

A broken boiler is always a good excuse - it's just packed up and left you with no heating or hot water.

I wouldn't be able to go either

Also - appreciate that you haven’t told anyone but when I was struggling with infertility and losses I was EXTREMELY blunt with people who asked awfully insensitive questions. “Yes I’d love one but I’m infertile.” Shut them right up.

You absolutely are as important as mothers, anyone thinking otherwise is a twat.
I think I'd fake an emergency dental appointment over the lunch period - drive somewhere nice and have a car picnic until the coast is clear.

@TintedMug You are a parent who has lost pregnancies.

In your situation, I’d not go.

DS( an adult now) is adamant he’s not having children.

Also there are plenty of very dysfunctional adult child/ parent relationships-

I remember a devastated mum whose horrid adult child emigrated- Never kept in contact, but scuttled back like a grabby spider when her mum died to get the inheritance.

Another man ( parent) was estranged from his adult son and deliberately left property to a male gold digger- to spite the son.

It’s not a given that parents have loving and close relationships with their Adult children.

I’d be honest, down to a post in the WhatsApp group, “actually, I won’t be participating in baby cuddles as I miscarried a baby who would have been born xxx and I’ve just had another in October, so holding a baby when I’m unlikely to have my own would just be too hurtful and upsetting. It would be lovely to see (mum) though!”. Perhaps mum would be able to find childcare for a couple of hours, or if not no one will try and force baby into your arms, and hopefully they’ll think a bit more in future.

It will mean you don’t need to hide, or lie, and then maybe the next person to speak to honestly and openly is your husband.

Sorry to hear you're going through this. Do you have a manager you can confide in? If one my team told me this, I'd make bloody sure that they didn't have to go to the lunch and that no-one asked any questions.

What a devastating year you’ve had. Definitely find a way to stay away from the lunch. I’ve been close to a similar situation and the woman who had had multiple losses ended up being really rude to the colleague with a baby, which was understandable in the context and also totally unreasonable (if that even makes sense). It’s a horrible situation for everyone (there’s every chance the woman on mat leave is not loving life, even though she’s lucky enough to have a healthy baby).
And I’m so very sorry for all your losses and for the grieving you’re having to do for a life that won’t look as you had hoped.

There was a programme on TV years ago about infertility.

It featured a lovely Vet who was devastated about her lack of being able to have children.
She loved the animals- but missed the thought of never having children.

I had to go to vets soon after- And this lovely vet was there! ( Locum )
Of course I didn’t say anything.

I’ve been there. I know exactly how you’re feeling @TintedMug . Sending you all the kindness.

I would pick an excuse and stick with it, some good ideas here. Get your crying done while they’re all out if you need to.

No one other than you will even think about you not having been there afterwards and you can just get on with things as best you can. People pay much less attention than you’d think.

Ah I'm sorry.

I can under your colleague going but why her baby?

I have 2 dds 12 and 14 and wouldn't want other kids being at the Christmas party.

Other people really think people give shit about other kids don't they?

So that would annoy me anyway never mind you going through what you have.

Don't go, tell the organiser (if you can bear to) the reason why and then they can support you needing to stay behind to do some calls. Totally totally understandable that you don't want to go, am sure lady with baby would get it too, surely anyone would understand that. I would rather leave my children at home than put someone in a position to feel how you could over thst lunch.

Im sorry you are going through this, you are absolutely as important as anyone else, children or not. Please dont think you are not and I am sure your husband would want to support you in this.
Re: the lunch, I think I would make an excuse of some sort (excellent suggestions from others upthread) and not attend. Dont feel like you have to lie or hide your pain from others, if they ask personal and intrusive questions then they deserve to get answers that might make them uncomfortable, you have nothing to be ashamed of. Take care of yourself.

To be honest I don’t know why I’ve written this thread. I know non parents on here don’t get well received. I’ve read enough threads about how lonely I’ll be in old age and how much of a burden I’ll be on society. So yeah I get it. I’m not as important as mothers so I just need to get over myself. I know that.

Don't be silly - no one thinks that I'm sure. I can't imagine how difficult it must be for you and I'm so sorry you feel that way - MN is a place of support and advice if you post on the right boards - have you been on the infertility board?

I think you should just sack it off as you're obviously feeling pretty raw. Is there no one at work you could tell the truth to? I'm sure everyone would be very understanding and sympathetic. Totally get why you might not want to talk about it though.

Im sorry 💐

You have to do whatever you need to protect yourself, people who haven’t been through infertility and miscarriage repeatedly won’t understand the overwhelming grief and how ‘triggering’ the situation is.

Oh GOD NO you cannot go to that lunch and you should not feel bad about protecting yourself.

I once missed a baby shower under similar circumstances (4 IVF mc before my natural miracle, and I still worry that I'm actually trapped in an alternate universe because I can't believe the miracle really happened and he's 5 now).

This is bigger than the lunch, actually. I know I felt better when i was able to talk about my losses and how I was coping (not coping). Absolutely not on the group chat, but to a counsellor, your DH, a friend, and then maybe a colleague or two. There is really no reason for you to grieve this way alone.

For now, you get a phone call about your boiler fucking exploding! and you have to dash back to sort it and really sorry to miss you to the others while you take some time to process.

Don't go. I'd have a dentist appointment - unfortunately the only available appointment before Christmas. If you can tell your manager then it might help in the long run but it will very much depend on your manager. They are bound by confidentiality so if they're a good person it's a relatively safe way to have one outlet at work that knows in case similar things arise.

Ah, OP, I'm so sorry. If you were on my team, I'd want to know and help you, but you're best-placed to understand if your manager would be the same.

I think it's an awful shame that you're going to have a brief but incapacitating tummy bug next week. In your shoes, I'd take two days off sick, rest and give yourself a bit of a breather. It's not so long since your last miscarriage.

I once left a Christmas lunch early because a sweet colleague kept asking why I wasn't happier and trying to cheer me up (I wasn't being gloomy, but I wasn't full of festive joy either). I had had a miscarriage a couple of months before which she was aware of, but she didn't know that my first post-miscarriage period had started that morning, very heavily and with lots of cramping. She could have been more sensitive, I could have been more resilient, but sometimes it's just not like that. We're still friends.

I'm sorry I don't agree with this at all.

The OP has had a terrible time and is understandably grieving and there's lots of ideas on this thread to help her skip this uncomfortable and painful experience - which I agree she probably should do.

But it's not the new mum's fault that it happened, nor should she feel unable to bring her baby with her (she's likely breastfeeding and could only attend with the baby), and share her happiness with her colleagues and friends. It's not fair to make this about her.

Life is hard. We often have moments that are particularly difficult - eg someone having a wonderful landmark moment with their mother while another has just lost their own mum - and the way to handle it is not to expect life to stop. You have to protect yourself in the best way you can, listen to your body and your heart about what you can handle, and seek joy in whichever small places you can find it

OP what stands out from your post is that you are carrying this all on your own and not even sharing your feelings with your husband. That's deeply unhealthy. Infertility and miscarriages are devastating. They're also not that uncommon. Assuming your Christmas dinner is with a group of five or six women, I'd be pretty amazed if none of them can empathize with what you're going through. There's many ways other people have suggested that could help you to get out of it without telling anyone why. But I really encourage you to think about opening up to someone. If there was a colleague at my work who felt the way you did about an event, I'd do everything I could to shield them from it and encourage others to be more considerate.

And OP, you might find that your employer has an Employee Assistance Programme that can offer some counselling, as and when and if you feel ready.

I would say you have a doctors appointment or something along those lines and dip out of it. If you have an understanding manager that you can confide in I would explain the real reason to them as its not just this one occasion, there may be others and when they know a decent manager will arrange things to ensure you can avoid future events like this. People do not realise what you are going through unless you share a small amount of it. Plus you're just as important as anyone else whether you are a mother or not. My most treasured family member was my great aunt who never had her own children but meant the world to me, she was one of the most important and influential people in my life xx

I'm so sorry for your losses, I think it would be really helpful to speak to someone professionally about this, I'm sure there are helplines/could you go to the gp, it's such a huge and devastating thing you've gone through and it's too much to deal with alone.

As for the lunch, I would make up an excuse, an appointment or take a half day and take care of yourself, I know you're self employed but if it could just be the half day.

Best wishes

I went though very very similar to this several years ago. The best advice I was given was "be kind to yourself". I didn't get it at the time and thought it was a meaningless thing people just say. However it's important, stop thinking it's your fault, it's just one of those cruel things. You haven't failed and your bid and loves you for you. So take a breath and remember how great you are, be kind to yourself x

How understanding is your manager? Could you have a quiet word with them and ask to be excused? Could you work from home that day maybe and make up an excuse for why you won't make it?

You've been through a very tough time and I'm sure in time you will find a way to come to terms with it but it's a lot to put yourself through so soon.

Also remember most mothers are actually understanding about stuff like this, a lot of us have experienced pregnancy loss or fertility issues and can relate better than women who have never been pregnant or wanted children. It'll be the minority of mothers who would treat this situation insensitively