Infertility and baby at work Christmas lunch

[TintedMug]

It’s our work Christmas lunch next week. It’s on a working day and they’ve just extended everyone’s lunch breaks so we have 2 hours instead of 1 and it’s on work premises.
One woman is on maternity leave but will be coming to the lunch end bringing her baby. Which is obviously fine generally. The issue is for me, I’m not sure I’ll cope. We were pregnant at the same time (not that she or anyone else knew as I didn’t tell anyone) but I miscarried at 9 weeks. That was an IVF pregnancy (have been trying for 5 years naturally and IVF over that time) and was my second miscarriage. Since she’s been pregnant and had the baby I’ve had another round of IVF and lost that one as well last month. And that’s it for us. Due to age and finances we are at the end of the line. I will now never have children. Obviously this is something that I’m struggling to come to terms with.

I’ve spent years faking being fine with not having children. I tend to tell people I don’t want them or just make a joke about being too old and set in my ways for that “haha” plus I love my holidays “haha”. I don’t. I can’t afford holidays after paying for multiple IVF. I don’t think even my husband knows how devastated I am. I tell him it’ll all my fine and we’ll have lovely holidays in the future. But really I contemplate leaving him regularly so he could try and meet someone else to have children with as he so desperately wanted to be a dad and it’s my fault he can’t.

How can I get through this meal? Everyone is so excited about her bringing the baby. The group chat has been renamed from Christmas lunch to cuddles with baby. I can’t call in sick as I can’t let the job down and also I’m self employed so won’t get paid. So what reason could I have for not going in the middle of the day? Realistically I know there isn’t a reason and I have to suck it up. But I’m not sure I’ll make it through the afternoon. I’ll be seeing clients all afternoon and need to be “happy” and on it. I usually time seeing friends babies so I can go home and cry after. But I can’t do this next week. This is also the first time I’ll be around a baby since my last miscarriage and realisation it’ll never happen for me.

To be honest I don’t know why I’ve written this thread. I know non parents on here don’t get well received. I’ve read enough threads about how lonely I’ll be in old age and how much of a burden I’ll be on society. So yeah I get it. I’m not as important as mothers so I just need to get over myself. I know that.

I had this dilemma a few years ago after having a stillbirth and two miscarriages. My colleague brought her baby to the team meeting and then the Christmas lunch. Stupidly, I went. It was so hard and as soon as I got into my car at the end of the day I had a complete emotional breakdown. I emailed my manager the next day to say how hard it was for me. I suppose the difference is that my whole team knew about my losses. A couple of colleagues checked in during the day as they could tell I was finding it hard, but my managers and seniors didn’t think to ask my colleague not to bring her baby or even warn me the baby would be there. My advice is don’t go. You obviously can’t avoid babies forever but this is still a very delicate time for you, look after yourself and your feelings. Skip the lunch.

How many people are going to the lunch? Are there a few gushy over-the-top people who are dominating....and a bulk of people who are quietly rolling their eyes and will be happy to ignore the baby and actually enjoy an adult lunch? Can you sit the far end and ignore the baby people?

I’m so sorry for all you’ve been through and going through.

The Xmas lunch. Toothache. A filling has fallen out but surprise surprise the dentist will fit you in at lunchtime. Just a pity it’s a bit if a drive so it’ll take all 2 hours.

Devastated for you OP. I agree with everyone else- definitely don't go to the lunch! Be ruthless in protecting yourself. Go with the boiler or dentist excuse and don't give a second thought to anyone else except yourself and getting through the day.

The Christmas do is nothing - a blip in time.

The point is your marriage, your relationship and how you and your husband are secretly feeling.

Why not refocus and decline the invitation. Maybe let your LM know in confidence that following two recent losses, it would just be too distressing for you.

Let the self employed money for those hours go and spend that time on a heart to heart with your husband instead. That's what matters.

Love to you both.

Oh I really feel for you. Is there anyone at work - a friend, your manager - that you can confide in? Not all the details if you don't want to share, but just explain that it's too hard for you to join in?

This otherwise have an unavoidably appointment.

You might also want to be blunter/upfront with people about it all - so they know to avoid the whole topic - but that may take some time to get into that head space.

If you feel able I'd tell work how you feel. You should have been allowed time off paid too.

Non parents are welcome here and no one thinks anyone is less for not having kids or better for having them.

I think you need to confide in someone, see if you can miss it or see if they will run interference so you don't get confronted but the new mother.

I am so sorry you aren't able to have a child yourself. I won't pretend understand your pain as I can't as I'm not you.

So sorry you have to go through this - that's just too hard to face, I'd have an emergency medical appt.

Yes.

I'd go with, "don't worry, I'll only be a few minutes, I'll catch you up" - forestalls any protests at you missing it entirely until it's too late.

Oh, @TintedMug, I am so sorry for you losses. I'd second @Fluffyc1ouds above. I am childfree by choice, but I have enough empathy that I wouldn't want any of my team dealing with this.

You poor thing . Of course you need time to process this, and are probably not well enough to go to the Christmas lunch.

The issue is what reason you give. Although a plumbing emergency or convenient seasonal cold might seem to be the easier excuses to give, if there is any possibility that new mum will make a special trip so you don't miss out on cuddles with her baby, I wouldn't put yourself through it.

Would you be able to confide in your line manager or trusted colleague to give them a heads up? Although it would be a painful conversation, in the longer term if people are aware of your circumstances, they might stop asking.

I hope you have a peaceful Christmas.

Can you say you’ve got a nasty cough and don’t want to spread it but will work from home?

going forwards please consider confiding in people about your struggles. Keeping it all hidden won’t help anyone.

Please please please do not think you are not as important as a mother. I am a mother, pure luck. I had a career too and now retired, a good half of my friends have no children others have family at the other end of the country/ world. All have made very worthwhile contributions to society in their working lives and many carry on by volunteering. Their taxes have contributed to schools and other services for children.All you did wrong was have bad luck.
please believe that most people don’t see you as lesser.
Take care op

Bringing a baby to a work function is tacky and annoying. If the colleagues who is on maternity leave wants to come, she needs to leave her baby with her husband or someone else. It's only 2-3 hours.

Personally if I’d been through what you have I’d get D&V and treat myself to 2 days at home. You and your husband have been through the mill and I’m so sorry.

i am very sorry that you won't realise your dream of being a parent, OP. That must be very tough to bear.

In your shoes, because this is all so very raw and new at the moment, i would bow out of the lunch for personal reasons. You will have to learn to handle pregnancies and babies around you, but that will take time, and you don't need to be out and about where you will meet them right now. Maybe therapy will help?

Can you just say you don't want to go? That's what I'd do. It's xmas lunch and shouldn't be forced on anyone.

Please look into sharing how you really feel with your husband. How can you support each other properly otherwise? x

My husband and I are childfree by choice and have our own company with a number of employees. We had one year where around Christmastime there was one woman on mat leave and three others who had fertility problems/losses that they confided in me about. Similar to you we had some of the staff wanting the baby to come to our christmas lunch for cuddles etc. I had no problem with the employee coming to join us, but knew that the baby being there would upset the ones who had had such a terrible time. In the end I decided that their feelings were more important and so we arranged for the Christmas lunch to be at a very child unfriendly venue. There was lots of moaning and groaning from some of the staff and I was accused of all sorts and told I didn't udnerstand how hard it was to leave a baby etc, but better me be attacked than three already very upset members of staff.The woman on mat leave didn't come to the lunch, but some of her friends met up with her and the baby on a regular basis so cuddles were had by all who wanted them.
The three women who had infertility and losses simply needed to take priority that day and I have no regrets.

Don't go to the lunch, you don't have to put yourself through this OP.

I'm so sorry. I agree that you shouldn't put yourself through this. You are grieving and it's so hard.

If you go into work take the time to go off somewhere maybe with a migraine?

Although I think it would be better for you to be at home or out seeing the lights rather than go in at all.

You sound lovely❤️

What a good comment ❤️

I'm so sorry OP. It sounds like you are quite clear that you would rather not be there, but fear the financial implications. But do you really need the money desperately enough for you to put yourself through this? Can you talk over finances with DH to reassure yourself that you can afford not to go?

Agree with pps that it's much preferable for you not to go. But even more importantly, whatever you do don't carry this grief alone. Tell your husband, or friends. You need help with this.

In the long run, I think being upfront about being involuntarily childless may do you better than jokey pretending, but that is for later to decide. Take care.

Don’t go - you don’t have to. I had this - I used to not attend certain events and never baby showers. You have to protect yourself - your reaction is totally normal and healthy .