Infertility and baby at work Christmas lunch

[TintedMug]

It’s our work Christmas lunch next week. It’s on a working day and they’ve just extended everyone’s lunch breaks so we have 2 hours instead of 1 and it’s on work premises.
One woman is on maternity leave but will be coming to the lunch end bringing her baby. Which is obviously fine generally. The issue is for me, I’m not sure I’ll cope. We were pregnant at the same time (not that she or anyone else knew as I didn’t tell anyone) but I miscarried at 9 weeks. That was an IVF pregnancy (have been trying for 5 years naturally and IVF over that time) and was my second miscarriage. Since she’s been pregnant and had the baby I’ve had another round of IVF and lost that one as well last month. And that’s it for us. Due to age and finances we are at the end of the line. I will now never have children. Obviously this is something that I’m struggling to come to terms with.

I’ve spent years faking being fine with not having children. I tend to tell people I don’t want them or just make a joke about being too old and set in my ways for that “haha” plus I love my holidays “haha”. I don’t. I can’t afford holidays after paying for multiple IVF. I don’t think even my husband knows how devastated I am. I tell him it’ll all my fine and we’ll have lovely holidays in the future. But really I contemplate leaving him regularly so he could try and meet someone else to have children with as he so desperately wanted to be a dad and it’s my fault he can’t.

How can I get through this meal? Everyone is so excited about her bringing the baby. The group chat has been renamed from Christmas lunch to cuddles with baby. I can’t call in sick as I can’t let the job down and also I’m self employed so won’t get paid. So what reason could I have for not going in the middle of the day? Realistically I know there isn’t a reason and I have to suck it up. But I’m not sure I’ll make it through the afternoon. I’ll be seeing clients all afternoon and need to be “happy” and on it. I usually time seeing friends babies so I can go home and cry after. But I can’t do this next week. This is also the first time I’ll be around a baby since my last miscarriage and realisation it’ll never happen for me.

To be honest I don’t know why I’ve written this thread. I know non parents on here don’t get well received. I’ve read enough threads about how lonely I’ll be in old age and how much of a burden I’ll be on society. So yeah I get it. I’m not as important as mothers so I just need to get over myself. I know that.

I think you have an appointment or a really bad cold (but can still work from home)…..honestly I wouldn’t go and come up with a reason why.

If you have a manager you can confide in who you trust I would maybe open up if challenged.

I think you need to stop pretending to be ok, it’s shit and horrible and you need to grieve. You need to cry and rant and do what ever it is to make you feel even 1% better but bottling it up isn’t a good thing. Allow yourself to feel your feelings. Only once you have come out the other side can you work on healing and moving forward….from someone who bottled up their emotions around miscarriages.

I’m so sorry Op.
If you absolutely have to be in work that day, I’d do what other posters have suggested, and in the morning fake an urgent client crisis that absolutely needs to be dealt with ASAP.
But really, even if you’re self-employed, can you not take a day off? Pull a sickie if you have to on this occasion. It’s totally justified.

I think you need to open up to your husband about how you’re really feeling. Let him in.

And re this paragraph in your op:
To be honest I don’t know why I’ve written this thread. I know non parents on here don’t get well received. I’ve read enough threads about how lonely I’ll be in old age and how much of a burden I’ll be on society. So yeah I get it. I’m not as important as mothers so I just need to get over myself. I know that.

I’m not a parent, and MN is supportive to everyone. Hopefully you will experience that too. I also hope you won’t be lonely in old age. And there’s absolutely no reason to think or feel you’ll be a burden on society. You are just as important as anyone else. And you absolutely do not need to get over yourself. You need time to grieve your losses.

My journey eventually ended differently to yours, but I was pregnant and miscarried at the same time as a colleague who had her baby, they were due a few days apart and it was awful, i couldn't do her work farewell baby shower type lunch and i knew i would break down. This must be so hard for you

As others have said, absolutely don't feel you have to go. I can completely understand if you can't talk about your reasons to colleagues. Could you call in sick? I think cou would be very justified taking a day for your mental health.

I‘m so sorry for your losses. I have one dd but I struggled to conceive for many years and never had more. I still can’t imagine how it must feel. I would just say you don’t feel like it or you have too much work to do and just not go but that is really shit for you.

@TintedMug I’m so sorry for your losses. No one should have to go through that amount of heartache.

If you don’t feel able to go (completely understandable) then maybe engineer it that you are called away. Can you go awol without anyone panicking?

disagree with those saying to confide in someone at work. You don’t have to share with anyone if you don’t want to.

You are not less of a person because you don’t have children and I’m so sorry that you have been made to feel like that.

Have you had any grief counselling? I urge you to look into it, maybe not right now but at some point. You are grieving not just your babies but the life that you thought that you would have.

I agree with previous posters about confiding in a colleague or a manager who will likely cover for you not being able to go. It'll take a huge weight off your shoulders if anything. When it's time for the lunch, take yourself away and go for a long lunch yourself or go for a walk. If anyone else knows your situation they might join you so you've got a bit of company. You might find there'll be someone else on the team going though something similar (miscarriages are so common but often not discussed) and looking for an excuse as well.

I'd also look into arranging counselling. You've been through A LOT and you'll need plenty of time to process everything and create a plan for yourself going forward. Also speak to your husband about how you're feeling. Carve some much needed time together and have that hard conversation. Maybe joint counselling could be helpful for you both to process and grieve what you're going through.

I think you should be able to be honest with your manager about this. Just say you’re not able to be around babies right now.

Say you've a medical appointment/dentist that can't be moved. You could ask to WFH for the rest of the day as well, to make sure you definitely do avoid the baby.
Nobody will mind if you're not there. It clearly could cause you a lot of distress which is not necessary at all.
I'm sorry for your losses. Would you consider adopting, or fostering?

Sorry for your losses.
Fake an appointment, emergency dentist, get out the office for the duration and have a good walk to clear your head.

Honestly I’d call in sick. Your mental health is far more important than work. I am sorry for what you’ve been through.

This. It’s a horrible situation to be in and it’s fine to remove yourself from the situation. Sending love x

I am so sorry about the miscarriage etc. I would just not go to the lunch.

No way would I be going. If you can afford to take the day off then just phone in sick

if I was your manager I’d also tell you to avoid the lunch. They might be more sympathetic than you think

I’m childless by choice so doesn’t upset me but even I find Christmas work functions odd. So much of the chat is around children and people are so insensitive. Three years in a row I’ve had the “oh I didn’t know you don’t have a family” (with sad shocked face) and I’ve had to point out I still very much have a family

I totally agree with the other posters - don't go to the lunch. I think a ficticious dentist/medical appointment is the simplest option.

I hope that you are able to open up to your husband about how you are feeling and perhaps access some counselling for your losses.

Take care and be kind to yourself

I'm so sorry OP.

I’ll be seeing clients all afternoon and need to be “happy” and on it.

Could this be your out? Say you need to prepare for the meetings?

@TintedMug I’m so sorry to hear what you’ve been through and there’s no way you should go to that lunch. If you feel you can’t tell a manager about why you won’t be attending, it’s ok to either go off sick or invent an emergency at home.

I am so very sorry op too. I too would fake a reason not to be there.

I would call in sick rather than go through stories of people getting locked out etc.

If the lack of sick pay is the concern, could you be too ill to come into the office but well enough to wfh? Bit of diarrhoea, perhaps.

OP - would you consider adoption? I know a family who had infertility and adopted three boys - all as babies, and from the same mother.

They're a ridiculously happy family. And they'd never consider themselves infertile now. In fact I think they feel very blessed.

They've actually recently become a four - as the mother got pregnant again, a girl, and the social workers asked them first if they'd like to adopt her to keep the siblings together. A bit unexpected for them I think! But theyre very happy.

I appreciate adoption isn't for everyone though!

I cousins be around babies or children after my miscarriage. I swerved some big family events but host knew why.

I'd find any excuse going not to be there and with some people I'd just say the truth.
Only you know the dynamics of that in your own life though.

There are charities that support with miscarriage and I would say that opening up to them or your partner is probably better for you long term. You need to unburden yourself of all the pain you're carrying alone. It will still hurt but let it out when / where you are able.

It sounds rotten but one thing that helped me was two old friends started posting about their multiple losses on Facebook and even though I was gutted for them, in a strange way it made me feel less alone.

Perhaps you have an emergency dentist appointment that lunch.

OP I’m pretty much in the same situation as you with ivf failures and I don’t think I could handle this either, especially close to Christmas I find it all so hard to deal with.

I’d mute that chat for a start and not go, tell them you have a migraine or sickness bug last minute and just take care of yourself x

I’m so sorry OP 💔 you are not less important & you will still be able to have a happy and fulfilling life, but that doesn’t take away your pain now.

personally, I would recommend being more honest with people if you can bear it - they will (mostly) be more sensitive as a result. E.g. ‘no children?’ ‘I would have loved to, but it didn’t happen for us’ doesn’t require you to over share but does give someone an indication that maybe they shouldn’t go on about pregnancy / newborn / the magic of being a parent. It’s completely up to you though.

I know it's not the point of the thread but why anyone would think it's a good idea to have a baby at an adults' Christmas lunch, crying and needing its nappy changed, is beyond me.

Lots of good ideas here. I think it'd be easier if over time you shared with more people that you can't have children. It'll avoid this sort of stuff happening in future - many people have experienced infertility and many more people care very much about everyone's wellbeing, not just mothers.