Infertility and baby at work Christmas lunch

[TintedMug]

It’s our work Christmas lunch next week. It’s on a working day and they’ve just extended everyone’s lunch breaks so we have 2 hours instead of 1 and it’s on work premises.
One woman is on maternity leave but will be coming to the lunch end bringing her baby. Which is obviously fine generally. The issue is for me, I’m not sure I’ll cope. We were pregnant at the same time (not that she or anyone else knew as I didn’t tell anyone) but I miscarried at 9 weeks. That was an IVF pregnancy (have been trying for 5 years naturally and IVF over that time) and was my second miscarriage. Since she’s been pregnant and had the baby I’ve had another round of IVF and lost that one as well last month. And that’s it for us. Due to age and finances we are at the end of the line. I will now never have children. Obviously this is something that I’m struggling to come to terms with.

I’ve spent years faking being fine with not having children. I tend to tell people I don’t want them or just make a joke about being too old and set in my ways for that “haha” plus I love my holidays “haha”. I don’t. I can’t afford holidays after paying for multiple IVF. I don’t think even my husband knows how devastated I am. I tell him it’ll all my fine and we’ll have lovely holidays in the future. But really I contemplate leaving him regularly so he could try and meet someone else to have children with as he so desperately wanted to be a dad and it’s my fault he can’t.

How can I get through this meal? Everyone is so excited about her bringing the baby. The group chat has been renamed from Christmas lunch to cuddles with baby. I can’t call in sick as I can’t let the job down and also I’m self employed so won’t get paid. So what reason could I have for not going in the middle of the day? Realistically I know there isn’t a reason and I have to suck it up. But I’m not sure I’ll make it through the afternoon. I’ll be seeing clients all afternoon and need to be “happy” and on it. I usually time seeing friends babies so I can go home and cry after. But I can’t do this next week. This is also the first time I’ll be around a baby since my last miscarriage and realisation it’ll never happen for me.

To be honest I don’t know why I’ve written this thread. I know non parents on here don’t get well received. I’ve read enough threads about how lonely I’ll be in old age and how much of a burden I’ll be on society. So yeah I get it. I’m not as important as mothers so I just need to get over myself. I know that.

I would be quite vague and have a personal appointment that unfortunately clashed. (Rather than dentist etc)
Then it's quite ambiguous and people might not want to probe further

I feel your pain. My IVF journey came to an end this year too and I am coming to terms with never having a child. Most people dont know of the ivf and i too joked about my lack of children to cover the pain. One of my best friends had a 2nd child just as my last round failed. It's so, so hard.
Only you know if you think you can "get through" a meal with the baby there or not. But if you choose not to go do not beat yourself up about it. You need to do whatever is best for you to get through.

Sending you a solidarity hug xx

I am so sorry for your losses

I would say you've broken a filling a couple of days before and then on the day say you've been able to get a private emergency appointment over lunch.

As PPs have said, I think you should talk to your DH. Grief is hard enough without trying to get through it alone.

What a strange comment. Only the OP knows the exact dynamics of the situation, but my work colleagues are also my friends and I’ve taken my baby to plenty of lunches with them. If he needs a nappy change I go and change it and he doesn’t really cry.

OP I wouldn’t go if you’re going to find it this difficult. Call in sick or pretend you have an appointment.

I don’t think people look down on childfree women on this site though. In fact I would say the dynamic almost veers the other way.

Is there any reason why you can't be honest? You don't have to give all the details. Just that you've had some bad news relating to your journey to add to your family and you wish colleague the best but it's too soon to be in that environment at the moment.

Non parents are welcome here and no one thinks anyone is less for not having kids or better for having them.

If only that were true.

I'm an IVF mum. I'm sincerely sorry for your losses. It's absolutely tragic and I know how you feel. I was once you. What got me though my losses was talking to people. People that I felt comfortable with and trusted. I would speak to this new mum one to one. Explain what you have gone through and why you won't be there. Don't go. If there is anyone else you can tell do. Support and understanding is what you need and I sincerely hope you get it. I did and it made all the difference in the world to me. If you really can't go for it again I'm sorry and pm me if you need to talk. Sometimes even talking to a stranger helps. If you can find a way to try again I wish you all the luck in the world.

This is so hard for you and I'm sorry that your pregnancies didn't continue.

To rename the group chat from Christmas lunch to cuddles with baby is insensitive and like many others I agree you shouldn't go. I would confide in whoever you report to and say you won't be coming to the lunch. I would ask that person to keep it confidential and say you're happy for them to say you have a plumbing medical appointment.

As for your husband, I think he would love to support you through your grief. He will be grieving as well and you can support him. Talk to him about your worries, maybe see a counsellor either for yourself or together.

I would encourage you to contact SANDS who help with baby loss: https://www.sands.org.uk/support-following-miscarriage-molar-pregnancy-and-ectopic-pregnancy

And you may already be aware that you can get a certificate from the government if you want, to show that you were pregnant and had a loss. This recognises that you went through that experience and it acknowledges your babies' existences.

Sending hugs 💐💐

Could you say you have an emergency dental appointment or something?

I'm sorry for your losses. It is so heartbreaking. Don't go to the lunch and make up an excuse or be as open as you want to be.

To be honest I don’t know why I’ve written this thread. I know non parents on here don’t get well received. I’ve read enough threads about how lonely I’ll be in old age and how much of a burden I’ll be on society. So yeah I get it. I’m not as important as mothers so I just need to get over myself. I know that.

This part isn't true at all.

I feel for you so much, and unfortunately can relate so much to this 💕

The time of my last failed transfer was the time that a close friend & a work colleague got pregnant. Watching their belly’s grow and knowing it should have been mine growing at the same time nearly killed me.

It was one of the most difficult days for me when she had her ‘work baby shower’ on her last day, I gritted my teeth thinking of how it would be so much easier once she was on maternity leave. It wasn’t. I actually ended up going off sick for a while, I think 9 months of holding it in just all came flooding out at once.

My advice would be to do anything to not go to the lunch. It is not worth destroying your mental health over.
I know you say you ‘can’t’ let work down but YOU have to be your own main priority. Protect yourself. Ignore anyone who tells you you need to get used to being around babies etc etc because it is not worth the upset putting yourself in these situations.

I also want to add, that for me it is my DH who is infertile, and your comment about thinking of leaving your own DH terrifies me. I have lost so much already with not being able to have children with the man I love but I honestly couldn’t bear to also lose him, I wouldn’t trade him for a million babies, he is my world and my reason for living now I know it will just be the 2 of us, and I bet your DH feels the same about you, or he wouldn’t have stuck by you, believe that you bring him more happiness than another woman & unknown children would 💕

Just look after yourself, you are the most important person, you cannot control anyone else’s life, but you can control putting yourself in front of them when they have something you so desperately want.

The lost filling suggestion by @Allthehorsesintheworld is an excellent idea. You don't have to pretend to be ill, you can tell them a couple of days in advance that the only appointment you could get clashes with the lunch and you can pop off before she turns up at the office (unless she's going straight to the restaurant). Have a nice lunch by yourself, then go back to the office whenever you want to.

It's so tough, when I had a miscarriage after IVF there just seemed to be pregnant women everywhere, on the tube, in the street, my friends etc.

As far as the lunch is concerned, the thing that nobody has suggested is that you could get someone to actually make an “escape” call to you (like with blind dates in case they’re awful) at about 11:30 so that you have to go home unexpectedly.
I am so sorry to hear what you have been through and I agree with PP that you should share how you are feeling with your DH - marriage should be about supporting and being there for each other. Also, consider counselling or therapy. I know you will probably never totally recover from this but I hope you find a way to get some kind of comfort and peace.

The nappy will smell when it needs changing, even if you change it straight away - I don't want to smell a baby's dirty nappy while I'm eating. Lucky you having a non-crying baby!

You mention dynamics - it does change the dynamic, bringing along a baby - people will be cooing over the baby and talking about their own babies, especially if it's a new baby, and others won't be able to join in as they would a more general conversation.

If you're bringing babies, you might as well make it +1 all round and let people bring a partner/friend/sibling along with them.

It may be that it works with your specific work friendship group, but it's not appropriate for a general Christmas lunch.

Don't go. When I was going through something similar and people would bring babies into the office to show them off I would make sure I wasn't around, which was easy to do in my type of workplace. It's really hard. So sorry you are going through that. I wouldn't wish infertility on anyone and many don't understand how it feels.

I really do feel for you. So so hard. If I were you I would just make up an emergency dental appt - filling fallen out, toothache or whatever and just get out of the office. Don't put yourself through this. You really don't need it.

You have a medical appointment during the lunch you have to go to. No need to put yourself through that. You need time to grieve.
I’m so sorry to hear what you’ve been through. Re your last para, I know you might not believe this right now but your worth is in you as a person, not whether you are a mother. Society may portray otherwise but it’s wrong. You are valued and treasured just as you are.

I'm childfree and I don't find it difficult to be around babies, but I do find it incredibly boring. We have similar work lunches where people come in from mat leave and pass the babies around. I just make an appearance then disappear again.

A reminder to PPs... someone who has been through infertility and IVF will have heard of adoption and fostering. These are not useful or groundbreaking suggestions.

I'm so sorry.

As others have said, don't put yourself through this.

Make an excuse, offer to man the phones or call in sick on the day. Put yourself first.

I am so very sorry, and I understand completely. I have had to fake emergency meetings or just sneak off and cry in the toilets in the past when babies have been brought in to work because it was so painful. I think it's really inappropriate for the whole lunch to be made all about the baby but that ship has obviously sailed.

The lost filling is a good idea. Don't put yourself through 2 hours of torture OP, you may get through it but it could take you days to recover emotionally.

'I don’t think people look down on childfree women on this site though'

I'm a child free poster and I promise you that 'people' (some people) on this site definitely do

If you can’t get out of the lunch just phone in sick.

So sorry you’ve been through such a difficult time x

Oh that sounds really hard and is obviously still very raw for you

First, you're not less important and won't be lonely in old age. Do you have access to any form of counselling or support you could take up? Do you have friends outside work you can confide in? And most importantly, over time as you work through this, please think about building your community in other ways. It doesn't have to mean taking an active role with friends' babies now or ever, but think about what your new future plan can look like and how to get there. Lots of people have kids and end up lonely anyway - sometimes even because they gave up their own identity to focus on parenting!

For the lunch I would recommend speaking to one person at work if there's someone you can trust, ideally your manager. They can then help you come up with a reason to leave and also help steering convo to more neutral topics. Failing that, you have a work emergency, personal phone call or urgent errand that means you have to leave early or skip the lunch.

OP I am so sorry for everything you have gone through. My heart really does break for you.

Dont go, why put yourself through it. Pretend you have an urgent appointment.

I really hope you can share how you really feel with those closets to you.

Agree with the dental emergency as an excuse if you really need to be back at work in the afternoon. I also think it's highly inappropriate to bring a baby to a work Christmas lunch as you don't know who is going through what, and it definitely changes the dynamics of the lunch. If certain colleagues want to see the baby they can catch up separately with the lady on mat leave - I would never impose my baby on the whole team, having been through several miscarriages and IVF myself and knowing many who have been in similar situations or are childless through not meeting the right person before it was too late etc. As a manager I wouldn't have allowed this and the onus really shouldn't be on you to have to skip the lunch. I guess maybe for people who got pregnant easily this never crosses their mind and they assume everyone will be happy to see their baby. Hope you manage to make peace with your situation OP - you can definitely lead a full and happy life without kids although it may not feel like it at the moment. I have a sister and several close friends in the same situation and while their grief was very intense for the first couple of years they said it gets much easier over time.

A dental appointment is an easy and believable excuse. I just wanted to add my support and good thoughts for you. You need some support and therapy with this unbearable burden of grief. Your post and others from women in similar situations has really got to me so lots of love to you all.