Infertility and baby at work Christmas lunch

[TintedMug]

It’s our work Christmas lunch next week. It’s on a working day and they’ve just extended everyone’s lunch breaks so we have 2 hours instead of 1 and it’s on work premises.
One woman is on maternity leave but will be coming to the lunch end bringing her baby. Which is obviously fine generally. The issue is for me, I’m not sure I’ll cope. We were pregnant at the same time (not that she or anyone else knew as I didn’t tell anyone) but I miscarried at 9 weeks. That was an IVF pregnancy (have been trying for 5 years naturally and IVF over that time) and was my second miscarriage. Since she’s been pregnant and had the baby I’ve had another round of IVF and lost that one as well last month. And that’s it for us. Due to age and finances we are at the end of the line. I will now never have children. Obviously this is something that I’m struggling to come to terms with.

I’ve spent years faking being fine with not having children. I tend to tell people I don’t want them or just make a joke about being too old and set in my ways for that “haha” plus I love my holidays “haha”. I don’t. I can’t afford holidays after paying for multiple IVF. I don’t think even my husband knows how devastated I am. I tell him it’ll all my fine and we’ll have lovely holidays in the future. But really I contemplate leaving him regularly so he could try and meet someone else to have children with as he so desperately wanted to be a dad and it’s my fault he can’t.

How can I get through this meal? Everyone is so excited about her bringing the baby. The group chat has been renamed from Christmas lunch to cuddles with baby. I can’t call in sick as I can’t let the job down and also I’m self employed so won’t get paid. So what reason could I have for not going in the middle of the day? Realistically I know there isn’t a reason and I have to suck it up. But I’m not sure I’ll make it through the afternoon. I’ll be seeing clients all afternoon and need to be “happy” and on it. I usually time seeing friends babies so I can go home and cry after. But I can’t do this next week. This is also the first time I’ll be around a baby since my last miscarriage and realisation it’ll never happen for me.

To be honest I don’t know why I’ve written this thread. I know non parents on here don’t get well received. I’ve read enough threads about how lonely I’ll be in old age and how much of a burden I’ll be on society. So yeah I get it. I’m not as important as mothers so I just need to get over myself. I know that.

Absolutely do this. You really shouldn't have to go to this lunch.

You’re just as important and it sounds like it wouldn’t be good for your mental health to go - have an emergency come up so you miss the it. You need to take care of yourself right now.

Thanks everyone. Sorry it’s taken me a while to come back to the thread. If I’m honest I was a bit scared to read the responses but thank you for everyone being so understanding.

To clear a few things up, yes I work in a place like a hairdressers so can’t work from home. And being off sick would impact the people wanting their appointment before Christmas and that’s not fair on them.

It’s not the new mum who has changed the WhatsApp group name. Other than sharing one photo in the general chat when the baby was born she’s not talked about the baby really. She’s a really nice woman who would be devastated to know how I’m feeling which is why I would never tell her how I’m feeling or suggest she shouldn’t come with the baby. It’s a really small place of work, there’s only 8 of us so it would be really noticeable if I didn’t go. Plus because it’s so small we don’t have a HR etc. All the others have children, I’m the only one who doesn’t (and rightly or wrongly I’ve implied I don’t want them so it’s not their fault they don’t know about my issues), so they are all very excited to meet the new baby. Everyone has been working together for years so are very close and it’s not uncommon for random family members to pop in occasionally etc which is why for us bringing the baby along is not unusual. And I normally think it’s really nice how close everyone is and how accepting and supportive they are of the workers families. The issue for me is just the timing of it all. I’m sure in a while I’ll be able to deal with it much better. I’m actually fine with all my friends older children (I’m 43 now so they mostly had them all a long time ago), but I’m just struggling with babies at the moment.

I think I might go to work, say I’ve got a splitting headache and need to lie down for a bit. That way I can say hi to new mum with a quick wave and still be at work not letting anyone down.

Tell people the truth. Infertility and loss are horrible, lonely experiences. Don’t let society and stigma allow them to stay that way. You will be amazed once you start telling people your story, how many others are in the same position and the care and love you will find. I think we’re afraid of people feeling sorry for us. Well they bloody well should because it is awful - don’t suffer alone.

I had a horrendous experience after my last loss. Two weeks since the very traumatic, second trimester loss, three days before my little boy’s funeral, and a boorish uncle pushing me at a family party about when I was going to have kids. After that, I’ve taken an honesty is the best policy approach. They feel more awkward about it than I do.

I can't offer any advice, but i'm so sorry @TintedMug 💐

So sorry that happened to you. This is why I really hate it when people question others about their reproductive choices, no one can ever know the real circumstances unless it's someone they're extremely close to.

I will never forget the mum who plonked her baby on my lap without asking because her toddler needed a wee. This was after a very recent late miscarriage at 20 weeks which she knew about. I just froze and another lady noticed and took the baby, I had to go outside and sob.
Some people are just so caught up in their own world they don't get it, or don't want to see it. I would say, be honest and say it's too difficult for you right now. Then just bugger off to the shops or something. Do whatever works for you and look after yourself.

I would get someone to call you just before you are due to head to the meal with an 'emergency' that you need to deal with. This sounds so incredibly tough, I am sorry you are going through this.

'They feel more awkward about it than I do.'

As they bloody well should do. Maybe they will think next time before they open their mouths. Maybe ....

So sorry OP i’ve been in similar circumstances and its horrendous trying to put on a brave face. Infertility is such a heavy burden to carry. Definitely dont go, have a headache or an emergency at home (broken boiler perhaps?) you need to go back for.

You are just as important as anyone who has had children! I would get some counselling by to help you try to come to terms with it.

You broke my heart with your post OP but your last paragraph stamped on the pieces, please please don't think that how you feel in the final paragraph is in anyway true, you are just as important as humans that also have a title of parent.

I'm so sorry for what you've been through and I encourage you to maybe confide in one of your colleagues about the truth of your situation so they can help be a buffer for you and help you navigate this day. Please plan something for after work to treat yourself for getting through a really tough day, because you will get through it. Sending love x

Totally understandable not to attend, I can’t think of anything more painful in the circumstances. Make an excuse OP.

The whole rest of the group seems to want to make the baby the focus, so I think in that case majority rules.

Do they? Or are there others like the OP who are quietly hurting and dreading what was supposed to be a get together for staff who are actually present at work.

you are just as important as humans that also have a title of parent

It is refreshing to see a thread full of people who are understanding, lovely and compassionate towards an infertile woman. Unfortunately elsewhere on here, particularly on the board for MNetters without children, there aren't such understanding people: very much the opposite in fact.

@TintedMug it sounds very similar to my situation I am more than happy to chat with you. My husband doesn't really understand and this Christmas will be the first for me where I'm thinking of the well maybe next year as I'm now too old and finances have been exhausted ! I'm so sad about it all and avoid if at all possible any situation like this and very like you others think I don't want children

Oh love

I'd fake a dentist appointment I think. "Oh, I'm so sorry, they just sent me a reminder. Booked it 6 months ago and the date didn't click when you were organising the Christmas lunch. I'll have to bow out this year. Save me a mince pie though!"

In the long run I think you'd maybe be better off sharing as much as you're comfortable with though.

@TintedMug It sounds like you have a lovely close place of work. If you confided in some of your colleagues it sounds like they'd support you. Also do talk to your husband so you can stop pretending and grieve together. I'm sure it will be better than you think it will. 💐

I am so sorry you are having to go through this OP.

I know exactly what you mean about threads saying those without children will be lonely in old age / a burden on others. They break my heart and make me dread my future.

Some people can be so unkind and thoughtless.

I know exactly what you mean about threads saying those without children will be lonely in old age / a burden on others.

Rather that than have children for the reason of creating future care providers. Now that is selfish.

Oh yes I agree.

I really feel for you, op. I've been in a similar situation myself. It is so painful. When I had a miscarriage I couldn't even watch TV adverts that featured newborns.

When I had my misscarriages there was a GIANT advert for one born every minute in the tube station - babies and babies and babies.
I even complained and told basically tough luck.