Infertility and baby at work Christmas lunch

[TintedMug]

It’s our work Christmas lunch next week. It’s on a working day and they’ve just extended everyone’s lunch breaks so we have 2 hours instead of 1 and it’s on work premises.
One woman is on maternity leave but will be coming to the lunch end bringing her baby. Which is obviously fine generally. The issue is for me, I’m not sure I’ll cope. We were pregnant at the same time (not that she or anyone else knew as I didn’t tell anyone) but I miscarried at 9 weeks. That was an IVF pregnancy (have been trying for 5 years naturally and IVF over that time) and was my second miscarriage. Since she’s been pregnant and had the baby I’ve had another round of IVF and lost that one as well last month. And that’s it for us. Due to age and finances we are at the end of the line. I will now never have children. Obviously this is something that I’m struggling to come to terms with.

I’ve spent years faking being fine with not having children. I tend to tell people I don’t want them or just make a joke about being too old and set in my ways for that “haha” plus I love my holidays “haha”. I don’t. I can’t afford holidays after paying for multiple IVF. I don’t think even my husband knows how devastated I am. I tell him it’ll all my fine and we’ll have lovely holidays in the future. But really I contemplate leaving him regularly so he could try and meet someone else to have children with as he so desperately wanted to be a dad and it’s my fault he can’t.

How can I get through this meal? Everyone is so excited about her bringing the baby. The group chat has been renamed from Christmas lunch to cuddles with baby. I can’t call in sick as I can’t let the job down and also I’m self employed so won’t get paid. So what reason could I have for not going in the middle of the day? Realistically I know there isn’t a reason and I have to suck it up. But I’m not sure I’ll make it through the afternoon. I’ll be seeing clients all afternoon and need to be “happy” and on it. I usually time seeing friends babies so I can go home and cry after. But I can’t do this next week. This is also the first time I’ll be around a baby since my last miscarriage and realisation it’ll never happen for me.

To be honest I don’t know why I’ve written this thread. I know non parents on here don’t get well received. I’ve read enough threads about how lonely I’ll be in old age and how much of a burden I’ll be on society. So yeah I get it. I’m not as important as mothers so I just need to get over myself. I know that.

I think your colleagues sound v insensitive to not consider your feelings & ott with changing the name of the group chat. Personally if someone brings a baby in to work I say a quick hello & might coo a bit over the baby to be polite but I can't stand this mass hysteria whenever someone brings in their newborn. And if they're all expecting cuddles the baby will probably be very grouchy after the first few people have their go

I'm so sorry. Let you manager know you cannot attend the meal for personal reasons, and send your apologies. You don't need to put yourself through that, and you don't need to justify yourself x

Do you have anyone you can talk to at work?

As a manager, I would hope that someone in my team could discuss this with me so that we can come up with a plan, but most importantly so that I could support them (not just navigating this but in general).

Oh, OP, how absolutely tragic for you, I'm so sorry. 💐

I agree with pps who have said feign an appointment of some kind, just don't put yourself through it.

The group chat has been renamed from Christmas lunch to cuddles with baby

Don't go. I had an easy and successful pregnancy. I can put up with someone taking their baby along if they have to. I have no wish to cuddle some one else's baby. I'd pull out if my Christmas lunch was renamed that.

So so sorry for you and very difficult to take the day off when you’re self employed and have depleted your funds.

Lots of suggestions on emergency appointment over lunch which hopefully will be usable. And definitely mute the chat.

Do look for some counselling for yourself to help you, having been in a similar position I was urged to get counselling and I didnt think it would help as it couldn’t change the facts. I resisted for many years until a different problem made me unable to cope so I did get some counselling for that but it uncovered the underlying problem and helped me deal with it. I wished I’d listened to advice and done it earlier

I'm so sorry, that sounds so hard.

I'd absolutely not put yourself through the lunch and later mute the WhatsApp group and get your DH to text something appropriate like "Looks like a fun lunch! Sorry I missed out" if needed. Either a word with your boss, an emergency of some sort or a very important appointment just at that time. Or if it comes to it, I'd honestly take the day off sick.

The group chat has been renamed from Christmas lunch to cuddles with baby

I think that that definitely shows how bad an idea it would be to even try to Idk just collect some food &eat it elsewhere.

Can't help thinking that it'll also be the topic of conversation for a couple of days after as well.

I would have an emergency dental appointment for a broken tooth/lost filling/abscess/toothache. You don’t need to put yourself through that torture.

OP, I am so sorry you have found yourself in this position. Please do talk to your husband though and tell him how you feel. He won’t want you to struggle on your own.

If you do opt out of the lunch "catch up" is she likely to swing by your desk to say hello? Wouldn't it be great if someone booked a table at a local restaurant instead so you could evade her....

I’m so sorry this has happened to you op. I agree with everyone else - just don’t go. Make up an excuse (dentist etc) and avoid. Massive unmumsnetty hugs to you xxxx

I'm so sorry for your losses.

I would either be honest with someone about why you can't face it or fake an emergency you need to attend for a couple of hours (important package arriving at the wrong time, neighbour says something is up with your house that needs checking, husband has broken down, parents need help etc etc).

I was always pretty straightforward with people who asked. I just said "I can't have children". It does close down the conversation and people know not to ask.

In my case I did get pregnant very unexpectedly at 41, but I know what it feels like.

This was me for many many many years. 10 years of fertility treatment and multiple miscarriages. I soon learnt that I had to protect myself and I simply avoided nothing baby related. I had to to survive. I lost many friends along the way and unless you’ve walked in those shoes you don’t fully grasp the pain. I did eventually have success on our 5th round of donor egg treatment, but I have to say the pain still is there. I am very conscious of not bringing my little one to things and don’t talk about him a lot in company; not because I don’t adore him, but because I know just how absolutely painful it is to be in that position. I am sending you big hugs and I am actually in tears writing this as I know well how you feel and it really is very hard. Phone in sick, have a hospital appt/ dental appt etc to go to. Do whatever it takes to protect yourself. Mute the WhatsApp and look after you.

If you want to confide in your manager or another close colleague - do - but don't feel like you have to if you would prefer to keep this knowledge to yourself.

Speak to your GP, IVF clinic or a counselling service, find space to explore your vey valid feelings, find an outlet to be heard, without judgement, pity or someone making the wrong kind of sympathetic comments or suggesting things that will not help. Just a space for you.. no more than that.

If you can, arrange for a support session during this lunch time slot, tell your manager / work mates / etc that you have been given a cancellation for a much needed appointment and while you are really sorry to miss the celebration, you do not want to pass on this appointment. Send a message to the colleague with the baby, saying you hope she has a wonderful catch up with everyone and you are really sorry not to be able to make it.

Wrap yourself in cotton wool, do what you need to do to protect yourself, be your own best friend - what would she say? If you need to go home, have a warm bath, bowl of icecream, doom scroll, watch crap on Netflix, listen to a meditation that will take you out of your mind for a while... do it. Put on your armour, come back to work and wish everyone a happy Christmas.

Agree with migraine comment.

Sending love and strength, it’s so unbearably hard - call in sick, put you first, this time of the year is never easy when going through infertility, it’s totally reasonable for you to miss the lunch, put yourself first xxxx

I really feel for you, OP. Speaking from experience you should miss this lunch as well as any other social events that will affect you. What you’ve been through is life changing and devastating.
I spent nearly 10 years ttc, did IVF, lots of failed cycles, gynae surgeries and pregnancy losses, one in my second trimester, which was heartbreaking. During that time I did what I thought I ‘should’ do, i.e. being there for others, celebrating babies, children’s events etc. This was a time where there was less conversation about infertility and miscarriage and so I minimised my pain because it felt so unseen. I struggled a lot mentally as a result. I wish I could speak to my younger self and reassure her it was okay to say no to social obligations and to certain people in my life. So, please care of your precious heart.

On a positive note, I’m mostly now at peace with being childless/childfree, and life feels colourful again, and hopeful. I wish you peace too.

I am so very sorry for your losses.
I do think being honest with your husband will help.
Some advice that may possibly help; whenever someone would ask when I'm planning another baby I found once I switched from "ahh not yet!" to "I've had 4 miscarriages" it stopped.
If the lunch will cause you major upset, don't go.
If you can't cancel the whole day, even just leave for a few hours to fix an emergency.
Sending hugs xx

I'm really sorry OP. As everyone else has said you need to think of an excuse to avoid the meal. You need to protect yourself. I know you don't feel like telling anyone why which is your prerogative but most people would understand if you did.

Oh, OP, I'm so sorry for you. I would have an emergency dental appointment in the middle of the day.

Infertility is heartbreaking and unless you've been through it you can't really appreciate it. Please speak to your husband about it, and seek support if you can.

I wouldn't go op. I'm in the same boat infertility wise and I don't think I could handle going. Take care of yourself xx

https://www.instagram.com/fertilityliferaft?igsh=ZTloNzl3dHNoZnFu

Alice Rose on Insta is great - she offers support and has cultivated a greatly supportive community which will help here

@TintedMug I'm so sorry. I've been through loss and faking being fine, and honestly, just don't go. Take the day off and do what helps you survive. You aren't alone in this.

You’re not being unreasonable at all. I wouldn’t want to be in this situation under the circumstances either.
Im very sorry about your circumstances, it isn’t fair at all. You are just as important as anyone else, parent or not, and you deserve to have fulfilling and happy life.

I would either call in sick( you had a dodgy takeaway last night/ migraine ) or could you be expecting a parcel delivered to your home around the time of the meal that needs a signature?