Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Can I ask my kids to pay towards Xmas food shop.

388 replies

I4gotmyname · 08/12/2024 19:47

Would it be bad if I asked my 3 oldest, to give me 15.00 each towards the Xmas food shop. And ask them to pay for the alcohol. As I don't drink.

I'm struggling a bit this year . Not to a massive extent. But a bit of help would be nice. I feel bad though because they are my kids.

OP posts:
leia24 · 08/12/2024 20:58

I'm not convinced on asking 17yo who is already living elsewhere. The adults, yes.

TomatoSandwiches · 08/12/2024 20:58

Sometimeswinning · 08/12/2024 20:57

This is where family pull together. Sorry you’re not teaching your kids this. If my parents ever fell on hard times (they’d probably be too proud to ask) Me and my sister would be there in a second.

Show quote history

Yes when you're an adult! Not 17yrs old for christs sake.

MikeRafone · 08/12/2024 20:58

have you seen the crummy TikTok Christmas dinner for £20? It may help if your struggling for cash this year

Im all for everyone making a contribution to the xmas food, its good to all help out

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Events & celebrations Families
Original poster
I4gotmyname · 08/12/2024 20:59

Chowtime · 08/12/2024 20:51

This. It won't complicate things. One can bring a dessert (loads of lovely ready made desserts in the shops at xmas) one can bring crackers and one can bring wine or a cheeseboard. All those things are about £15.

Show quote history

It does complicated things... ds works funny crap hours . He's working till afternoon of Xmas day and also boxing day . Dd has a child with special needs who can't cope in the shops and its awful close to Xmas. And the 17 year old will get stressed

OP posts:
pilates · 08/12/2024 21:00

Cut out the alcohol - if they want it they can buy it.

neilyoungismyhero · 08/12/2024 21:00

Whenever one of our family hosts, the rest of us either chip in and cook something extra to bring more turkey/veg/roasties/desserts and we bring wine or non alcoholic drink. So much fairer nowadays all around.7

WombatChocolate · 08/12/2024 21:01

17 is not a small child who needs to be protected from the realities of life and the fact there can be difficulties. OP says there are a number if additional needs in the family….they will all know that.

When I was 17, I’d have been hurt to think my parents couldn’t share a trouble like this with me.

These young adults live away from home and have money coming in. OP is struggling. As PP said, families pull together. Being too proud to ask does no-one a favour and doesn’t help build honesty and a sense of family togetherness.

HumanRightsAreHumanRights · 08/12/2024 21:02

If you don't drink, then why not just tell them that if they want alcohol they need to bring it themselves as it's not in your budget this year.

That way, you spend less and if they want more, they contribute.

Lalalaking · 08/12/2024 21:02

When my Mum was still alive she regularly hosted Christmas. She was OK financially but I always contributed with deserts, cheese,chocs etc .
When I hosted Christmas she insisted on paying for the turkey and was very generous with gifts for her grandchildren.
Swings and roundabouts.

p1l1l · 08/12/2024 21:02

Just ask them to bring any alcohol they want and be done with it

Asking a young mum with SEN kids seems a bit much
Asking a 17yo who is presumably disabled also seems a bit much
As for the adult DS living alone on a good wage - life is expensive for those living alone and I doubt he has much cash to throw around
You have younger children as well, too young to contribute

So overall, it doesn't look good re asking for money.

AngelicKaty · 08/12/2024 21:03

@GivingUpFinally "Tbh though, I'm not sure I could bring myself to be asking a 17 yrs old to contribute more than helping to clear the table and with washing up. They're still a kid really." I'm sorry, but that's just nonsense. When I started working at 17 I paid my parents rent and considered it my responsibility to do so - and when I got my first pay rise the first thing I did was offer them more (they declined, saying they didn't need any more, but were thrilled I'd offered it). Infantilising adult and near-adult children doesn't do them any favours. Most things in life cost money and the sooner they learn this the better.

Anotherworrier · 08/12/2024 21:03

Sometimeswinning · 08/12/2024 20:57

This is where family pull together. Sorry you’re not teaching your kids this. If my parents ever fell on hard times (they’d probably be too proud to ask) Me and my sister would be there in a second.

Show quote history

OPs not really in hard times though, which makes this quite baffling.

adriftinadenofvipers · 08/12/2024 21:03

How many children are you catering for?

15 quid is pretty cheap for your Christmas dinner - and the OP's DD is getting 3 for that amount of money! Does she also have a partner?

Dressinggownlife · 08/12/2024 21:04

don't worry you still have 2 weeks. You could get some bits with yellow stickers and freeze them.
Ultimately it’s a roast dinner. You don’t need to go over the top with lots and lots of fancy food. Stick to what you can afford. Same with presents hopefully you stuck to a budget.
personally I would say no to charging anyone to attend. But it’s fine to say you bring desert, you bring a gammon joint etc that way it helps you and you can be specific

Original poster
I4gotmyname · 08/12/2024 21:05

another1bitestheduck · 08/12/2024 20:53

honestly seems a bit unfair on the DS especially. DD is an adult and would get food for 3 people (her and her 2 DC) and drinks for £15, but youngest DS pays the same just for himself despite being a 17 y/o in supported accommodation?

I wouldn't buy alcohol if you don't drink it so would tell them to bring their own drinks if they want to drink alcohol, and a dessert each. Other than that christmas dinner is just a sunday dinner with a few extras, so don't really see how it could cost an extra £45.

I know you've said it would complicate things to ask them to bring stuff but I don't really see how? If all 3 bring a dessert everyone will surely like at least one of them, then you just do turkey (or alternative, tesco has beef and pork joints at less than half price, from about a fiver up atm) and trimmings.

Edited

The 17 year old gets 700 a month . He lives half at the accommodation and half at home . All he pays is 40.00 a month for his accommodation and he buys a small amount of food . Because he eats at mine. And often take himself stuff from the cupboards/fridge which he then takes to his accommodation. Dd kids won't eat much at all

Thr complication is die to funny work ours . Ds will be working till the afternoon of Xmas day and also boxing day . Dd has a chokd with special needs who can't cope with the shops

OP posts:
adriftinadenofvipers · 08/12/2024 21:05

p1l1l · 08/12/2024 21:02

Just ask them to bring any alcohol they want and be done with it

Asking a young mum with SEN kids seems a bit much
Asking a 17yo who is presumably disabled also seems a bit much
As for the adult DS living alone on a good wage - life is expensive for those living alone and I doubt he has much cash to throw around
You have younger children as well, too young to contribute

So overall, it doesn't look good re asking for money.

Expecting your mum who has a number of kids including some with SEN to provide your entire Christmas dinner for you and your children might also seem a bit much...

Shinyandnew1 · 08/12/2024 21:05

I wouldn’t ask for money but would tell your kids that the budget is tight this year. If you don’t drink, I wouldn’t buy any booze at all-that will wipe out your budget. Tell them if they want something other than squash, they need to bring it.

Then, I’d do chicken (cheaper), veg and loads of potatoes with an apple crumble for pudding.

TomatoSandwiches · 08/12/2024 21:08

AngelicKaty · 08/12/2024 21:03

@GivingUpFinally "Tbh though, I'm not sure I could bring myself to be asking a 17 yrs old to contribute more than helping to clear the table and with washing up. They're still a kid really." I'm sorry, but that's just nonsense. When I started working at 17 I paid my parents rent and considered it my responsibility to do so - and when I got my first pay rise the first thing I did was offer them more (they declined, saying they didn't need any more, but were thrilled I'd offered it). Infantilising adult and near-adult children doesn't do them any favours. Most things in life cost money and the sooner they learn this the better.

Op has said her 17yr old does pay rent already, cooking him a dinner and not asking him to pay isn't infatilising someone who is still a child.
His life sounds hard enough if he is making a transition to supported accommodation and his mum thinks buying a packet of crackers would stress him out.

Sleepysleepycoffeecoffee · 08/12/2024 21:10

I4gotmyname · 08/12/2024 20:33

No i want a gift 🤣. Everyone has finished their actual Xmas gift shopping anyway.

Show quote history

Fair enough 😆

Ilovelurchers · 08/12/2024 21:11

Sorry things are tough at the moment OP.

All families are different so it's hard for anyone to answer this, but if you have a decent relationship with your eldest three, I would speak to or message each of them individually.

Say that things are tough at the moment and you are worried about the expense of Xmas dinner.

Ask them if they would rather bring something (the booze or the pudding or the crackers for example) OR send you some money so that you can buy it all. Then that gives them the choice - which makes more sense than people on here guessing what your children would prefer.

I'd probably expect less from the 17 year old, but they could still pick up a box of crackers or send you a tenner if they feel they can.

Just have the discussion.

If my mom asked me this, I would answer her honestly depending on my financial situation at the time. I wouldn't be offended to be asked.

(I am buying a chunk of the Xmas food shop for mom and dad this year, abour £50 - but then I am in my 40s and in full time work, and this covers both contribution to actual Xmas day - just me, mom and dad, and our "real" Xmas on 27th which includes dd and my brother).

Ask them ASAP. Tonight if you can. That gives them more time to budget and plan for it, maybe spend a bit less on your Xmas present/their siblings presents if needed.....

AngelicKaty · 08/12/2024 21:13

p1l1l · 08/12/2024 21:02

Just ask them to bring any alcohol they want and be done with it

Asking a young mum with SEN kids seems a bit much
Asking a 17yo who is presumably disabled also seems a bit much
As for the adult DS living alone on a good wage - life is expensive for those living alone and I doubt he has much cash to throw around
You have younger children as well, too young to contribute

So overall, it doesn't look good re asking for money.

Did you read all of OP's posts? She's said she's struggling a bit this year and also has younger special needs children. How about if she told her older three that she won't be hosting this year because she can't afford it? What do you think they'd do then? Organise, pay for, and cook their own Christmas lunch? Of course they wouldn't. The least they can do is make a financial contribution and be grateful that all they have to do is turn up to be fed on Christmas day without any of the effort involved.

Original poster
I4gotmyname · 08/12/2024 21:14

p1l1l · 08/12/2024 21:02

Just ask them to bring any alcohol they want and be done with it

Asking a young mum with SEN kids seems a bit much
Asking a 17yo who is presumably disabled also seems a bit much
As for the adult DS living alone on a good wage - life is expensive for those living alone and I doubt he has much cash to throw around
You have younger children as well, too young to contribute

So overall, it doesn't look good re asking for money.

Right but then whete do i stand it's then all on me ...

Can't ask dd because she has SEN children .
Can't ask DS because he's on disability
Can't ask adult ds because it's expensive living alone.

I also have children with SEN at home . So where does that leave me

OP posts:
LittleRedRidingHoody · 08/12/2024 21:14

Only you know how asking this will go, OP. If money is tight for everyone, it might be a bit late to suddenly request it. I host every year and I'm sure if I asked any of my family who are on on benefits/low income for ££ towards food they'd be annoyed, especially depending on what dates they get paid etc. It's already the most pricey month of the year!

How long are you hosting everyone for? I think that also plays a part. Will everyone be benefitting from the whole Christmas food shop, or will some get stung covering costs for other people and only be there for one meal?

pilates · 08/12/2024 21:15

One brings a pudding
One brings nibbles
One brings chocolates

It’s a conversation you should have had a couple of weeks ago to give them time to budget.

BillieJ · 08/12/2024 21:15

My adult kids living at home paid set amount each month when living here - I never asked for extra for Christmas food, but I suppose you could if they were earning.

Adult children living away - well no. If I'm hosting, I don't expect anything although I think it's OK to ask them to bring something. If they are earning more than you, or if one of them likes to bake, I think it's fair to ask for a specific dish. But unless they are really much better off than you, it seems grabby to ak for money. Maybe not invite them for dinner, but have everyone do their own Christmas dinner and get together afterwards.

Edit: or lower expectations and keep it simple with food? PP's idea about asking them to contribute some chocolates etc sounds good.