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Original poster

Can I ask my kids to pay towards Xmas food shop.

388 replies

I4gotmyname · 08/12/2024 19:47

Would it be bad if I asked my 3 oldest, to give me 15.00 each towards the Xmas food shop. And ask them to pay for the alcohol. As I don't drink.

I'm struggling a bit this year . Not to a massive extent. But a bit of help would be nice. I feel bad though because they are my kids.

OP posts:
Sunshine1500 · 09/12/2024 20:35

LuckySantangelo35 · 09/12/2024 20:30

@Sunshine1500

but you might if you were in OP’s position and had little choice.

Show quote history

Yes and I think I’m some circumstances it’s very fair to all contribute.

LuckySantangelo35 · 09/12/2024 20:37

Sunshine1500 · 09/12/2024 20:35

Yes and I think I’m some circumstances it’s very fair to all contribute.

Show quote history

@Sunshine1500

well there we go then, we agree OP isn’t being unreasonable to ask for a contribution 😀

Sunshine1500 · 09/12/2024 20:40

I still wouldn’t ask my children for money

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Events & celebrations Families
LuckySantangelo35 · 09/12/2024 20:42

Sunshine1500 · 09/12/2024 20:40

I still wouldn’t ask my children for money

@Sunshine1500

what if that meant no Christmas dinner for them though? Op has already said they won’t be going to the shops so if they don’t give her a bit of money and she makes it then what else? They could have frozen pizza on the day I guess.

Original poster
I4gotmyname · 09/12/2024 20:46

independentfriend · 09/12/2024 20:31

£15 for Christmas sounds entirely reasonable in your circumstances to me.

17 year old in supported accommodation needs to be taught how / supported to budget. Including helping to protect him from cuckooing / otherwise being taken advantage of by 'friends'. Is this something the support workers offer?

If not / if the financial mismanagement doesn't improve and it's because he 'can't' rather than 'won't' it's worth looking at asking the DWP to become his appointee so you can manage the money for him.

In your circumstances it's worth considering asking him to contribute to the cost of the food he's eating from your house. He's supposed to have to pay for food from his income. If you can afford to save it for him for later on, do that. But it sounds like you can't and need him to cover his own costs properly.

I am his appointee. He was causing alot of problems when I was giving him the money weekly. His social worker told me just to give the whole lot to him. So I have.

I do agree about contributing to the house food in general. Or buying his own food and having space in the fridge/freezer. I feel bad though . But I know in the long run I'm not helping him prepare for life.

OP posts:
Nikki75 · 09/12/2024 21:00

It's absolutely fine to ask them to contribute we do this in our house .
I'd expect they would be happy too I assume they are fully grown adults it can't all be on mum xx

WombatChocolate · 09/12/2024 21:01

I think it’s daft to say ‘I’d never ask my kids to contribute’

Circumstances can be very different to what we find ourselves in now…it might be hard to imagine, but we could be living in the OP’s situation. We might not want to ask them, but surely being able to imagine a situation where you might have to or need to, its t beyond the realms of imagination.

As has been said before, people find themselves in curcumstances where they have to do all kinds of things and there isn’t shame, but strength in asking for help.

Most of us would happily help our parents. We would hate the thought of them struggling and not asking. Our young adult kids are able to feel the same and do in most cases. Honestly, we are talking about £15….its hardly announcing a lifelong failure of parenting is it. This pride and refusal to seek help when needed, or to even imagine asking for it…..I think it’s a real problem in society and for families, and not something to be pleased about.

AngelicKaty · 09/12/2024 21:01

Sunshine1500 · 09/12/2024 20:40

I still wouldn’t ask my children for money

There's only one way to say this: this thread isn't about you.
It's so weird how some people lack the imagination to empathise with people whose situation isn't the same as their own. Sigh.

Sunshine1500 · 09/12/2024 21:05

But I genuinely don’t think that’s what’s happening. The op is just feeling things a bit tighter just now . It’s not that she can’t put food on the table.
there is obviously other financial considerations that the op could tackle, like mobile phone bills.
not charging your kids to stay home over Christmas.
just my opinion and the op has to do what right for her family and if it’s easier to just take £45 off them all then I do eventually agree, she may be best just asking , she’ll know them best 😊

CandyCane5 · 09/12/2024 21:05

When everyone is in a similar (or better) financial situation then absolutely. Christmas is an insane cost & hosting a house full of people and electric / heating cost. The extra snacks, tubs of chocolates and crisps etc significantly increases daily living and it's not fair for the cost to fall on to one person.
I am contributing to my family Xmas dinner, my siblings however are being stingy and trying to avoid it.

Sunshine1500 · 09/12/2024 21:06

AngelicKaty · 09/12/2024 21:01

There's only one way to say this: this thread isn't about you.
It's so weird how some people lack the imagination to empathise with people whose situation isn't the same as their own. Sigh.

Show quote history

Of course it’s not! She’s opened up A chat asking for opinions

AutoP1lot · 09/12/2024 21:13

Yes of course! My DP aren't particularly well off, and we usually bring the crackers, desserts and booze. Wed probably offer to do similar even if they were.

If I thought they were really struggling I'd offer more, and I hope they would feel comfortable asking me if I didn't get in there first.

Original poster
I4gotmyname · 09/12/2024 21:26

Sunshine1500 · 09/12/2024 21:06

Of course it’s not! She’s opened up A chat asking for opinions

Show quote history

But surely in order to have an opinion you need to take the situation into account. Someone up thread put it to you in a different. And you said yes of course that's OK ( not exact wording ) then suddenly you went back to what you originally said. Its like a mixed message.

OP posts:
Minc · 09/12/2024 21:30

Yes why are you? That’s for you to answer to yourself and to take control of.

Original poster
I4gotmyname · 09/12/2024 21:33

Minc · 09/12/2024 21:30

Yes why are you? That’s for you to answer to yourself and to take control of.

I don't understand?

OP posts:
Ph3 · 09/12/2024 21:39

OP - I think you have decided in your mind that this is the right thing to do for you in these circumstances so sit down your children and ask them. It’s not about lack of empathy, or people not living in reality or not understanding your specific circumstances is that some people just disagree and that’s ok - not everyone is the same.

Sunshine1500 · 09/12/2024 21:42

I4gotmyname · 09/12/2024 21:26

But surely in order to have an opinion you need to take the situation into account. Someone up thread put it to you in a different. And you said yes of course that's OK ( not exact wording ) then suddenly you went back to what you originally said. Its like a mixed message.

Edited
Show quote history

Sorry I don’t mean to be mixed. if I was hosting even in the circumstances you describe, I would want to host my family and not ask for financial contributions.
As the threads went along there is obviously other financial considerations that you have. I don’t think you are wrong, you do what works for you. Everyone is different, all family dynamics are different. Again it’s my opinion you don’t need to agree . I hope you all have a nice Christmas! X

Nightjar33 · 09/12/2024 21:51

Hi
just don’t have alcohol or extras

Laura95167 · 09/12/2024 21:59

I know my mam wouldn't ask for my help if she didn't need AND knew that I could afford to give it

And if she needed it, I'd defo be horrified if she didn't ask. Ask them

LuckySantangelo35 · 09/12/2024 22:01

Ph3 · 09/12/2024 21:39

OP - I think you have decided in your mind that this is the right thing to do for you in these circumstances so sit down your children and ask them. It’s not about lack of empathy, or people not living in reality or not understanding your specific circumstances is that some people just disagree and that’s ok - not everyone is the same.

@Ph3

surely most kids would actually want to help out their parent though in OP’s situation and would feel bad if they didn’t?

Ph3 · 09/12/2024 22:10

LuckySantangelo35 · 09/12/2024 22:01

@Ph3

surely most kids would actually want to help out their parent though in OP’s situation and would feel bad if they didn’t?

Show quote history

I can’t speak for most kids I don’t know most kids. The OP came on here and asked “what do people think about asking my kids”… there were some mixed responses and it appears that OP was defensive when people said they wouldn’t but this is all subjective what would people do or not do. As I said it appears that she has decided in her mind that she thinks this is ok then sit down and ask. Not everyone would according to this thread and my comment what not everyone is the same. Some kids would want to and others woudn’t. Some would ask others wouldn’t - it’s all very dependent on who we are as people. What I don’t understand is why people are being told they are unreasonable, don’t live in reality or can’t sympathise, in the same token those who disagree with OP don’t really think she’s the worst possible parent imaginable, or there is something wrong. They simply disagree. OP can pick and choose which opinions to listen to and so can we all

LuckySantangelo35 · 09/12/2024 22:15

Ph3 · 09/12/2024 22:10

I can’t speak for most kids I don’t know most kids. The OP came on here and asked “what do people think about asking my kids”… there were some mixed responses and it appears that OP was defensive when people said they wouldn’t but this is all subjective what would people do or not do. As I said it appears that she has decided in her mind that she thinks this is ok then sit down and ask. Not everyone would according to this thread and my comment what not everyone is the same. Some kids would want to and others woudn’t. Some would ask others wouldn’t - it’s all very dependent on who we are as people. What I don’t understand is why people are being told they are unreasonable, don’t live in reality or can’t sympathise, in the same token those who disagree with OP don’t really think she’s the worst possible parent imaginable, or there is something wrong. They simply disagree. OP can pick and choose which opinions to listen to and so can we all

Show quote history

@Ph3

do you not think that like 99% of people would want to make a contribution to a meal that’s being cooked for them if their parent was struggling?! I honestly cannot think why anyone wouldn’t can you?

RockOrAHardplace · 09/12/2024 22:26

Sunshine1500 · 09/12/2024 20:40

I still wouldn’t ask my children for money

So you can obviously afford not to, not everyone has that luxury.

Sunshine1500 · 09/12/2024 22:33

RockOrAHardplace · 09/12/2024 22:26

So you can obviously afford not to, not everyone has that luxury.

Show quote history

Yes I do appreciate that, but the kid she’s asking to contribute to Christmas dinner is 17 years old. If we are all completely honest we would not expect kids of 17 to contribute financially towards Christmas.
op this isn’t a dig at you. You have to do what suits your family. You obviously help them a lot. It’s just a response to all the questions that keep questioning different opinions.

Ph3 · 09/12/2024 22:35

LuckySantangelo35 · 09/12/2024 22:15

@Ph3

do you not think that like 99% of people would want to make a contribution to a meal that’s being cooked for them if their parent was struggling?! I honestly cannot think why anyone wouldn’t can you?

Show quote history

Not sure why you are trying to force me into an answer but here we go - no I don’t think everyone would want to contribute. I’m still waiting for my brother and SIL pay for a share of their meals out when they invited themselves over for 8 days which they haven’t. My partner’s brother never contributed towards any meals when we are at my MIL, and he knows they struggle. I have a gripe about this constantly with a close friend of mine because her family is the same. You can’t think of any reason I can:

  1. they don’t feel like it’s their responsibility
  2. they don’t care
  3. they don’t even think to
  4. they only think about themselves? there can be a myriad of reasons and to think everyone thinks, feels and acts the same is, IMO a recipe for constant disappointment but we have gone massively off topic as this was not what the OP asked