4yo DD sleepover at uncles house?

[AEP123]

I need to know I’m not being pedantic or nasty.

DD loves her uncle, he visits mostly every other weekend. He’s offered to take her out for the day, fine by me I’m sure she’ll have a great time.

But then the subject of sleepovers came up. I’m uncomfortable with this.

I’ve based my reasons purely based on facts and statistics: child abuse is often carried out by male perpetrators who are known and trusted to their victims. This is enough for me to say no, I’m not comfortable with DD sleeping over his house.

For context, uncle is a single man nearing his 40’s who lives alone 40 minutes away, has no children and as far as I know, hasn’t been in a relationship.

I’ve discussed this with DH and he think I’m being extremely unreasonable. That he trusts his brother 100% and that I’m ’accusing’ him of something horrid. I’ve explained that I’m not accusing, I’m using facts and statistics to eliminate risk.

I also wouldn’t let DD have sleepovers at friends houses at this age anyway, he knows this but doesn’t think it’s the same because he’s family and he trusts him.

it’s left a horrible atmosphere in the house and I need to know I’ve done the right thing? I’d never want to put my children into that situation and would rather be safe than sorry - I’m sure many victims parents thought they could trust their child’s abusers before it came to light.

Absolutely not being unreasonable! He can still be a fun uncle without over night stays.

The population level statistics absolutely back you up here OP. No way would I agree to sleepovers or going back to his house alone. Abusers don't have signs on their forehead as you say.

I think you have done the right thing but I would probably have given different reasons to DH such as being worried DD would get homesick and be 40 mins away not just round the corner. So it didn't sound like you were suggesting his brother might be a child abuser.

I'm with you, OP. Too high a risk at 4 years old.

Absolutely no way would I be doing this and the fact he wants to is a major red flag! He should be sensitive about this honestly!

You’re not being unreasonable - she’s only four. If you wouldn’t let her sleep anywhere yet, then don’t let her sleep there.

I wouldn’t. I say this as someone sadly with an abusive uncle that I was left alone with.

Not worth the risk. And not necessary.

He should absolutely be wanting to give her back at night and make this clear,

My brother didn't really look after my DDs alone until they didn't need intimate care (I.e help with toileting). He was happy with that.

Your DH will have more trust of his brother than you simply because he's known him longer. Unfortunately those statistics do consist of real men, who are brothers, uncles, grandfathers, stepfathers...

Lots of ways to be a good uncle.

As long as you have the same rule for the men in your family too.

Though if her uncle was determined to abuse her, he wouldn’t need a sleepover to do it.

Protecting your child comes before hurting someone’s feelings. Your husband and his brother should understand where you’re coming from rather than getting funny with you about it. It should never have even been raised as a suggestion.

Absolutely not. I'm with you 109% OP.

Like others have said he can be a fun Uncle without the sleepover.

Who brought up the subject of her sleeping over there without both of you?

4year old is too little for a sleepover no matter who the relative is..... I'd be extremely cautious too

The stuff about the his relationship status and whether he has children are irrelevant - there's no correlation between relationship status, and whether someone has kids, and being an abuser. So remove that from your argument.

Does your daughter stay with any other family members where there's a male in the home? If so I'd say YABU. If you're being consistent then fair enough.

Am I missing something? Kids are OK to stay at a grandparents for example, and I guess an Aunt is fine, but you don't trust your DH's brother for no reason other than he's a male!? Im not surprised its left a horrible atmosphere.

4 years is IMO to need to sleep over anywhere except with parents and granny

end of

Too young and too far away. I agree with you completely. I would say a hell no to this.

I'm sure few people would ever suspect this about a family member, yet it happens. A hackneyed example but who would have suspected that Huw Edwards would be capable of what he did?

I don't think it's at all unreasonable for you to have boundaries that you won't compromise for any man.

Just the BIL not having had a GF is enough of a concern for me and ultimately, it's a choice between offending someone's feelings and a child of 4 being sexually abused. It's similar to the XL bully play date thread - you know the chances of a bad outcome are tiny but the difference between the potential end results makes the decision a no brainer.

She's too young for sleepovers away from parents - regardless of relationships with other adults.

My BIL is lovely, but I wouldn’t let my dc have a sleepover at his house. Sleepovers require a level of personal care that I don’t think is appropriate for a young girl and a grown man who isn’t her dad. Also just I don’t understand why a grown man would want to hang out overnight with a 4 year old. I’d say the same about an aunt who didn’t have children too. There are lots of fun things that adults can do with children that don’t involve bathing them and cuddling them to sleep. It would be different if we were taking teenagers with similar interests in gaming or films or a hobby they could do together.

Not even granny tbh

That's a good point. I would say the same to a childless DAunt. In fact my DSis was childless and admitted that she wouldn't be able to hack the bum wiping and early mornings.

I think it was a bit of a mistake to give those as reasons. But I of course agree with you.

Maybe try and backtrack And just say you're nervous In general and there's no need for her to stay with someone who doesnt also have kids.

I am a Grandma and my 4 year old granddaughter is fast asleep bedside me having her regular Friday night sleepover ; absolutely nothing wrong with that !

There's no way I'd be letting my daughter have sleepovers in this situation. Not a chance in hell! YANBU at all!