4yo DD sleepover at uncles house?

[AEP123]

I need to know I’m not being pedantic or nasty.

DD loves her uncle, he visits mostly every other weekend. He’s offered to take her out for the day, fine by me I’m sure she’ll have a great time.

But then the subject of sleepovers came up. I’m uncomfortable with this.

I’ve based my reasons purely based on facts and statistics: child abuse is often carried out by male perpetrators who are known and trusted to their victims. This is enough for me to say no, I’m not comfortable with DD sleeping over his house.

For context, uncle is a single man nearing his 40’s who lives alone 40 minutes away, has no children and as far as I know, hasn’t been in a relationship.

I’ve discussed this with DH and he think I’m being extremely unreasonable. That he trusts his brother 100% and that I’m ’accusing’ him of something horrid. I’ve explained that I’m not accusing, I’m using facts and statistics to eliminate risk.

I also wouldn’t let DD have sleepovers at friends houses at this age anyway, he knows this but doesn’t think it’s the same because he’s family and he trusts him.

it’s left a horrible atmosphere in the house and I need to know I’ve done the right thing? I’d never want to put my children into that situation and would rather be safe than sorry - I’m sure many victims parents thought they could trust their child’s abusers before it came to light.

I don’t have g’parents close enough but I 100% would have taken a night off if I’d got the chance!

I agree not a risk that I'd take but I'd expect this to be a blanket rule with male members of your family too if I were him.

No. Why would he even want a 4 year old to sleep over at his house? My DB couldn't have been less interested in looking after DS when he was little. Just stay firm and wait for sleepovers with friends when she is bigger.

Oh dear,bad relationship with your Mother,I guess,poor you.😩

Completely unnecessary to have a sleepover.

Don't make it about him necessarily just say she's too young full stop at 4 years to have any sleepovers at all

It would be a firm no from me. And also a watchful eye from now on. This level of interest is not normal.

Have you talked to her about PANTS?

www.nspcc.org.uk/keeping-children-safe/support-for-parents/pants-underwear-rule/

So the parents can have a night off? Literally everyone I know have had their parents look after the baby by then 😄 🤣

Everyone I know just looks after their own kids overnight. So different people have different experiences. My dd was nine when she had her first sleepover.

We went out without them but they didn't sleep over at other people's houses.

Oh dear,bad relationship with your Mother,I guess,poor you.😩

Why are you attacking her? And calling her a weirdo?

One could equally make up that your daughter is a bad mother if she needs to get away from an eight month old baby. But there's just no need for it.

Christ you are not being unreasonable
Not a chance.

So childish and bitchy.

I can see both sides, obviously your DH sees it as an accusation against his DB and is horrified, regardless of how you phrase it. But I agree with you, at this age it's not worth the risk of letting her sleepover with anybody, family or not. Focus on the fun days out and revisit the idea of sleepovers in a few years. Continue to reassure DH and his brother that it's a blanket ban on sleepovers and not personal but yes stick to your guns here

@Catapultaway I presumed most posters would be aware that the exception would be the DC's father, given he's also their parent 🙄🙄🙄

For clarity and avoidance of doubt, I wouldn't let my 4 year old DC stay alone overnight with any male relative...except their father 🙄🙄🙄

God no

The fact he’s suggested it is a huge red flag

I don't think you can assume her uncle would abuse her if you otherwise trust him but a sleepover is a bit unnecessary. She's only 4 and you're not unreasonable to be wary about where she's going overnight and who is alone with her. There's other ways he can be a nice uncle to her without needing her overnight. To be honest at the age of 4 I didn't really let my kids go with anyone other than my own parents and an overnight stay was very rare. In fact I think my kids have only stayed overnight with my mum once or twice. I'll probably be told I'm paranoid but I have my reasons.

No I wouldn’t allow it either. And she’ll probably be horribly homesick and need picking up.

The fact he wants to is a red flag? Don't be ridiculous! I had my nephews to sleep over when they were even younger than 4. Except I was a female in my 20s, would that be acceptable to you?

Males are way more likely to rape than women. Stats in any country will tell you that.

There’s no reason for them to have a sleepover. Anything fun can be done during the day or days out. I also wouldn’t agree to this.

No way.

I also think it's slightly odd that he asked...I think most single men would know it's a bit of a no no, even if they had no nefarious intentions.

Do you live under a rock? Can you genuinely not think of any reasons why it may be a red flag for a single man to request a sleepover with a toddler, but less so for a female in her twenties? If you want a clue, perhaps just read the thread.

Thanks all. I feel a bit better now knowing it’s not just me that feels this way.

im generally an anxious person anyway so DH reaction did make me question whether I am over reacting, but I am going to stick to my guns here.

No fucking chance. Weird of him to want this imo.

There’s always someone trying to pretend that statistics don’t matter and that it’s outrageous to use common sense instead of blind faith.

https://learning.nspcc.org.uk/research-resources/statistics-briefings/child-sexual-abuse

https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/0145213494901066?via%3Dihub

Probably very outgoing but I've always been super protective of my DC.

A couple of years ago a family member was arrested for pornographic images of children being raped.

It didn't make me feel better knowing I was right to be cautious but I'm glad I was.

I had my granddaughter overnight from about 3months so her mother could guarantee one decent night's sleep every week. She was single at the time; exhausted and studying for her MA !Her baby was absolutely fine and is quite happily sleeping here tonight !