4yo DD sleepover at uncles house?

[AEP123]

I need to know I’m not being pedantic or nasty.

DD loves her uncle, he visits mostly every other weekend. He’s offered to take her out for the day, fine by me I’m sure she’ll have a great time.

But then the subject of sleepovers came up. I’m uncomfortable with this.

I’ve based my reasons purely based on facts and statistics: child abuse is often carried out by male perpetrators who are known and trusted to their victims. This is enough for me to say no, I’m not comfortable with DD sleeping over his house.

For context, uncle is a single man nearing his 40’s who lives alone 40 minutes away, has no children and as far as I know, hasn’t been in a relationship.

I’ve discussed this with DH and he think I’m being extremely unreasonable. That he trusts his brother 100% and that I’m ’accusing’ him of something horrid. I’ve explained that I’m not accusing, I’m using facts and statistics to eliminate risk.

I also wouldn’t let DD have sleepovers at friends houses at this age anyway, he knows this but doesn’t think it’s the same because he’s family and he trusts him.

it’s left a horrible atmosphere in the house and I need to know I’ve done the right thing? I’d never want to put my children into that situation and would rather be safe than sorry - I’m sure many victims parents thought they could trust their child’s abusers before it came to light.

I always find people who suggest sleepovers suspicious tbh

Just why?? It's hard work for them, so I assume nefarious reasons. I could be wrong, obviously

YANBU @AEP123. It would be an absolute NO from me.

Although, I personally feel that 4 is too young to be with anyone else overnight and I know that a lot of people would disagree with me on that. I have a 4yo myself and I wouldn’t allow him to stay with anyone overnight.

DH and I have a strict rule that if one feels something is unsafe with regards to our 4yo and says “no”, the other doesn’t get to argue.

Being alone in a house with a lone male in comparison to a female or a set of grandparents ie a female being present, is statistically far far far far worse.

So yes, being male makes a difference.

No, I wouldn’t like this.

Taking her to the park, fine. The odd bit of babysitting, fine. Day trips - perhaps, although I’d start to wonder what the motivation was at that age (different with a slightly older child where they share an interest). But not sleepovers, other than in an emergency.

Totally agree with you OP. I'd give different reasons though to play it down

A few people have said similar about giving different reasons to OP's partner. I don't get it at all. Surely he should be just as clued up on safeguarding as she is? Surely two people who are committed to each other and share a child can have a frank and honest conversation.

Also, no. No need for 'sleepovers' at all.

I like my DH's brother, he is great with kids and our DCs love him - but I would not be comfortable with a sleepover for the same reasons. I have no suspicions whatsoever but if he suggested or wanted a sleepover with my DC, alarm bells would ring!

This situation has never come up because 1) a 40+ man doesn't want to have a sleep over with a child 2) absolutely no need, he spends time with them when we are there!

We are a no sleep over family for anyone and it’s a generic stand point. No friends or family, I know of too many issues / stories!

Definitely not. I would say no if it was an aunty in the same situation too.

The no relationships thing is a particular red flag relating to this scenario too.

My Granddaughter started staying after she stopped BF at 8 months,but I am very close with my son and DIL.

I think 40 minutes away for a 4 year old is a very long way regardless of any other issue.

😱😱

I would never allow my 4 year old DC to stay over with any male relative overnight on their own. There's absolutely no need for it, and why put them at the potential risk of harm?!?

If I thought my DH would be funny about me mentioning it I'd have just said I felt at 4 that DC is too young to sleepover anywhere, as now he feels like you are accusing his DB (even though you are not), what's being suggested is just unnecessary.

Your point is?

You're completely right, I actually misread it as OP said that to the uncle.

Well, seeing as it's men that sexually abuse children 97% of the time. Then yes.

I used to be a PICU nurse . I have met many children whose lives were saved by their mothers' gut-feeling .
Similarly , I've met many women whose instincts about certain men have been subsequently proven correct .
Hold fast , OP and keep her close .

Why would anyone take an 8 month old baby away from their parents overnight?
Who benefits from that, not the baby, that's fine sure.

It would be a no from me and I'm generally quite chilled. My DS aged 4 too has had sleepovers with his grandparents and my sisters with her family but I just think something is off the way he's asked- he doesn't have children, lives alone a lot of red flags even if it will most likely be innocent

Are you for real? My granddaughters parents wanted a night out I didn't take her from anyone,you absolute paranoid weirdo 😂

Not even your husband?

So the parents can have a night off? Literally everyone I know have had their parents look after the baby by then 😄 🤣

Nope.

Nope no, no way! (Not that my DD would want to…) but even if she did it would be a nope. I wouldn’t let her sleep over anywhere unless her grandparents or perhaps her auntie AND uncle’s house (with her cousins which I think is also significant compared to a lone male).

Absolutely no way, trust your gut.