4yo DD sleepover at uncles house?

[AEP123]

I need to know I’m not being pedantic or nasty.

DD loves her uncle, he visits mostly every other weekend. He’s offered to take her out for the day, fine by me I’m sure she’ll have a great time.

But then the subject of sleepovers came up. I’m uncomfortable with this.

I’ve based my reasons purely based on facts and statistics: child abuse is often carried out by male perpetrators who are known and trusted to their victims. This is enough for me to say no, I’m not comfortable with DD sleeping over his house.

For context, uncle is a single man nearing his 40’s who lives alone 40 minutes away, has no children and as far as I know, hasn’t been in a relationship.

I’ve discussed this with DH and he think I’m being extremely unreasonable. That he trusts his brother 100% and that I’m ’accusing’ him of something horrid. I’ve explained that I’m not accusing, I’m using facts and statistics to eliminate risk.

I also wouldn’t let DD have sleepovers at friends houses at this age anyway, he knows this but doesn’t think it’s the same because he’s family and he trusts him.

it’s left a horrible atmosphere in the house and I need to know I’ve done the right thing? I’d never want to put my children into that situation and would rather be safe than sorry - I’m sure many victims parents thought they could trust their child’s abusers before it came to light.

Absolutely and no way!!! She is far too young and doesn’t know enough about appropriate boundaries. Where would she even sleep? In his bed? Why does he want to have her overnight??

just say no and don’t explain further to your husband. Your priority is to safeguard your DD

@AEP123
The thing I can’t quite get my head around is that you’d be happy to let him spend the day with her, taking her alone in his car etc, but not overnight. I get where you’re coming from but what I don’t get is that he has absolutely every opportunity to sexually abuse her during the day as he does overnight. Why do you think he couldn’t abuse her during their alone time in the day? It makes no sense!

A two year old doesn’t beg for sleepovers.

Look at the stats, and then say that again with a straight face.

The odds are so different that no sensible comparison can be made.

@SchoolDilemma17
What are you insinuating about the OP? That’s she’s lying and had ulterior motives just because she enjoyed having her nieces and nephews sleep over?

YANBU. We don’t let our DC sleepover anywhere. I will let them once they are older but 4 is way too young IMO.

They were very keen to have sleepovers with me, if you prefer that way of phrasing it. We all had a great time and nobody thought it was dodgy. Thank God.

Did you have to say all that to your DH though?
Just say no, she's too little, needs routine and if she stays with someone it needs to be with someone with experience of raising kids (eg. Grandparents).

YANBU to not want to allow the sleepover BUT
YAB (extremely) U by telling your DH statistics on child abuse in this situation. Anybody would get extremely uncomfortable if you said their family member (sibling for that matter) had the potential to be a child abuser

YANBU. Never ever would I allow this.

Thank you for saying that. It’s horrible to be suspected for no reason. Must be very painful for uncles and granddads.

If it’s the Granny I don’t think there is anything wrong?
( providing parents are happy of course)
They might have wanted a ( well deserved) break, one night of solid sleep?

I feel like there's an inverse "Groucho Club" scenario going on here. Grocho didn't want to belong to any club which would have him as a member. I wouldn't want my kid to stay with anyone who was too keen to have her. At 4 she'd had one night with my parents, which had been for logistical reasons rather than my parents being keen to have my kids without me. Older, mine did very occasionally stay with DH's brother and his wife and kids without us, because the kids are all the same ages and had a lot of fun. I'd also seen the adults interact with my kids a lot, and know that they aren't boundary pushers. If the Uncle had been the person pushing for a sleepover I'd have been more concerned!

Do you know any 2 year olds? Most can’t speak much let alone ask for sleepovers or know what they are!
OP likely massively exaggerated to come across as amazing fun aunt!

And yes I don’t understand why people push children for sleepovers and love them. It’s a huge responsibility.

Nobody suspected you drama queen!

boohooo poor uncles! What about all the poor children who get abused every day by family members?

Say no, there is absolutely no reason for sleepovers. You are in the right. I trust no one 100%, neither should you or your husband when it comes to the safety of your child.

i got completely slated before for posting to say a male worker had started in my child’s creche - working with babies, changing nappies - and i did not like it as i felt there was an increased risk of abuse.

almost every single post said i was horrible and men should be able to rake care of babies,

Why does this scenario get a different reaction?

You are not talking logically and I won’t engage with this any more.

Workers are vetted (as much as someone can be), rarely alone with a child and changing nappies is necessary for their job. There's a reason they are doing it. And the risk is mitigated in a number of ways, though of course is never zero.

There is literally no benefit to her child to have a sleepover rather than spending time with her uncle with her parents there then going to bed in her own home. No good reason she should stay in his home overnight.

Completely different.

Kiddy fiddler is such a trivialising awful description of a child abuser.

I also agree with you OP. No chance would I agree to that either!

Vetted could mean the person has not been caught abusing yet.

abusers work around the systems put in place to protect the vulnerable.

About a year after my post on mumsnet, a man working in another nursery in my town was arrested for abusing older children - age 5 and above. And they found child abuse images. I think he is still in jail.

@SoNiceToComeHomeTo
The whole thread makes uneasy reading. I kind of get it, but it still feels so wrong to assume anyone who wants to spend time with kids is a weirdo and the fact that they’re saying he’s even weirder for never having been in a relationship. Why does that make him more likely to abuse when thousands of happily married men are abusing kids.

I think a professional setting is a bit different. There are always other people around, the loos in nurseries have open doors and usually multiple members of staff in there as they take kids to toilet in batches

Uncle is home alone

sadly abusers find ways to abuse even in places you really hope are safe and that appear to have all sorts of safeguarding measures- like nurseries, care homes etc

Yes and that's why I specifically said that you can mitigate the risk but never make it zero.

I would be uncomfortable with a male nursery worker changing my child, rightly or wrongly. I'm not saying it's wrong to find it uncomfortable.

I was just pointing out that comparing that (someone doing their job in an environment where risk is mitigated) is not comparable to someone wanting a small child to sleep over when there is absolutely no need for them to do so and no benefit to them in doing so.