4yo DD sleepover at uncles house?

[AEP123]

I need to know I’m not being pedantic or nasty.

DD loves her uncle, he visits mostly every other weekend. He’s offered to take her out for the day, fine by me I’m sure she’ll have a great time.

But then the subject of sleepovers came up. I’m uncomfortable with this.

I’ve based my reasons purely based on facts and statistics: child abuse is often carried out by male perpetrators who are known and trusted to their victims. This is enough for me to say no, I’m not comfortable with DD sleeping over his house.

For context, uncle is a single man nearing his 40’s who lives alone 40 minutes away, has no children and as far as I know, hasn’t been in a relationship.

I’ve discussed this with DH and he think I’m being extremely unreasonable. That he trusts his brother 100% and that I’m ’accusing’ him of something horrid. I’ve explained that I’m not accusing, I’m using facts and statistics to eliminate risk.

I also wouldn’t let DD have sleepovers at friends houses at this age anyway, he knows this but doesn’t think it’s the same because he’s family and he trusts him.

it’s left a horrible atmosphere in the house and I need to know I’ve done the right thing? I’d never want to put my children into that situation and would rather be safe than sorry - I’m sure many victims parents thought they could trust their child’s abusers before it came to light.

@Oreyt I agree. Obviously men are more risky.

No way . I know it's awful but what single man in his 40s wants to take a four year old girl over night by himself . I'd er on the side of caution even if there is nothing sinister .

Are you accusing every man in your family of this two or just his family or just this particular uncle unpopular opinion especially on mn but not tevery single man is bad man that wants to harm women and children some are obviously but not all

Zero chance I'd let a sleepover happen under these circumstances no matter how 'good' the person appears to be

I obviously assess the risk as very low otherwise they wouldn’t be around the kids at all! But no need for them to have them overnight.

This bit????

I meant to put this in bold as I was quoting someone else.

Two year olds do not tend to just stay with an adult relative for a sleepover. Literally the only difference between spending the day with her and a sleepover is the personal care side. I would be very wary.

And how is he supposed to deal with her needing the toilet during the day, send her to queue at public toilets by herself…laughable tbh

No ONE is saying there is no personal care for a 4 year old during the day. They are saying that during the day you can do fun stuff. Going to bed and getting up is all personal care. So what is the point?

I absolutely do not wish to scaremonger OP.

However, I was abused by my uncle in the exact same situation that you are describing. He was my mum's single brother, in his 40s, when I was little (this was in the late 60s/early 70s). He visited us often and offered to take us (me and my siblings) to 'give my mum a break'. We were all abused by him but didn't know (each of us was threatened/manipulated into silence with the threat of, if you tell, I'll do the same to your sister, so we kept quiet - it wasn't until one of my cousins told an adult (he was doing it to her too!) that it all came out.

It was an awful time in our family as you can imagine. My mum was devastated and blamed herself. Her brother killed himself before he was jailed.

I'm not saying all of this to cause offence...or to scare anyone. But as others have said, it happens and it's best to be aware and be mindful when making decisions. It's true...this can, and does, happen to anyone.

Here you go OP. In 98% of the cases reviewed by the Child Safeguarding Practice Review Panel (CSPRP) the abusers were men. This is also for the women saying how they had their nieces or grandchildren to stay, so what is the problem with an uncle having them.

The Observer view: Ignore the stigma and tackle the toxic cycle of child sexual abuse | Observer editorial | The Guardian

I'd simply say not appropriate and leave it at that.

At 4 few kids would be happy to do sleepovers anyway

Actually, it's my DIL.But one didn't read that bit,did one? 😁😁😁😁

I agree with u. Could u do a sleepover at your house so your little wobt get homesick ( and your on hand to make sure its all on the up and up

Sleepovers are fun. Otherwise they wouldn’t really happen.

🙄

Has OP been back, I think there's a need to wary of this type of thread, not saying it necessarily is but it does encourage a certain topic of conversation.

That’s what I find so weird about this post. Several people have said this but the OP appears to be ignoring it.

Why is he deemed safe to take her out for the day, take her to the toilet etc? I mean the OP thinks he’s highly likely to be a sex offender, yet doesn’t seem at all concerned with him having her for the day, just at night…weird to say the least.

I was wondering this too! Is this a fake post and someone is ‘enjoying’ the chat…urgh !! 😡 I’ve just read her post about a boy in the playground asking her DD to pull her pants down. I’m not sure I believe that.

Think the thread needs reporting.

Loads of fake threads this week though regarding relationships or kids.

Yea op third post a bit odd

Why are there so many fake threads? Are they just trying to keep mumsnet interesting?

Too young to even let her spend the whole day out with the uncle. If the uncle had kids and they were together it would make more sense, but completely alone,all day I wouldn't allow it.

I get where you’re coming from, but if the request for a sleepover has set off alarm bells, why would you let her go for day trips with just him? Grooming and abuse happen in plain sight, I think if you have a niggling feeling about him, you might be better avoiding those too? But maybe this is now me being paranoid, I struggle navigating all this with my own kids and probably do end up being too over protective.

I have been back (for those doubting my legitimacy) but this thread took off faster than I had realised.

you can probably see from previous posts I am a legit mum and have posted about my children before. Mumsnet will also be able to see I’ve had many usernames in the past and have posted about my children a lot. I’m not a perverted weirdo trying to start a sinister thread, just a worries mum.

I haven’t addressed the daytime shopping issue yet because.. you’re right. I didn’t really think about this and just thought shopping then home is fine but as someone mentioned I don’t truly know where they are or what they are doing I’m not scratching my head. But I can’t say I don’t feel a gut punch of guilt trying to put a stop to the shopping trip 😩 I’m really stuck now. I know the likelihood of anything sinister happening is very very low. But I’m a worrier and if I can take away a risk, why wouldn’t I? Maybe I could offer to go with 😅

I do have a DB. I know the risk will never be 0, but there are differences that allow more trust here:
Wife and two similarly ages children to mine.
His job.. and the fact that he has never asked for a sleepover 😂 I think 4 children is off putting though, I’d have no hair left.

I told DH my reasons because I wanted him to want to safeguard his children too. He wasn’t aware of the statistics and after a long talk about not singling out ‘his brother’ but singling out ‘lone men’ who just happens to be his brother, he understands. He is obviously still a little gutted, fair enough no one wants to think about the possibility, especially when it’s family. But if there was even a 0.5% risk and we could do something to eliminate it, then that’s what I’ll do.

there was something else I was going to reply too but I can’t remember what it was and I cba to scroll back through 10 pages to find it. So sorry if I haven’t answered anyone’s Q.

I see your concern. But can assure you I am real. Feel free to report to @MNHQ. I believe they can look into my posting history (under all previous usernames) and can verify my legitimacy ☺️