4yo DD sleepover at uncles house?

[AEP123]

I need to know I’m not being pedantic or nasty.

DD loves her uncle, he visits mostly every other weekend. He’s offered to take her out for the day, fine by me I’m sure she’ll have a great time.

But then the subject of sleepovers came up. I’m uncomfortable with this.

I’ve based my reasons purely based on facts and statistics: child abuse is often carried out by male perpetrators who are known and trusted to their victims. This is enough for me to say no, I’m not comfortable with DD sleeping over his house.

For context, uncle is a single man nearing his 40’s who lives alone 40 minutes away, has no children and as far as I know, hasn’t been in a relationship.

I’ve discussed this with DH and he think I’m being extremely unreasonable. That he trusts his brother 100% and that I’m ’accusing’ him of something horrid. I’ve explained that I’m not accusing, I’m using facts and statistics to eliminate risk.

I also wouldn’t let DD have sleepovers at friends houses at this age anyway, he knows this but doesn’t think it’s the same because he’s family and he trusts him.

it’s left a horrible atmosphere in the house and I need to know I’ve done the right thing? I’d never want to put my children into that situation and would rather be safe than sorry - I’m sure many victims parents thought they could trust their child’s abusers before it came to light.

I know it's a shame to stereotype people but it does seem odd to me that an adult man would want the child to sleep over.

'No other reason' than adult known men are the most dangerous people in the world to children. Somewhere around 1%+ of men are pedophiles. I wouldn't play Russian Roulette with my DD.

And if the response from the BIL is anything other than, "I can totally understand the caution, her safety is important" then I'd be even more concerned.

@MrsTerryPratchett I do get the sentiment but it is incredibly sad if you cant trust your husbands brother without any reason whatsoever. I suppose the bum wiping is a bit of an issue though.

I also completely agree that she's too young.

It is sad. But it wasn't the OP who made it like this. It was the millions upon millions of abusive men.

If your husband had concerns about your child’s safety, even if you didn’t agree about the danger, you would respect that as the child’s other parent. It goes both ways and DH has to accept that if you aren’t comfortable with it then there’s no point even discussing it.

No one whose child was abused by a family member ever expected it. If they had then the statistics wouldn’t exist. The position of trust is exactly how these crimes occur, and these people start grooming early.

For what it’s worth I would also never allow a sleep over at this age least of all with a single, 40 year old man with no one else in the house (not that having someone there necessarily stops these people…) and to be perfectly honest I don’t think I’d really be comfortable with a person like this being alone with my child for more than an hour or two. As I said, grooming starts long before any actual abuse.

Could you go to the sleepover too?

Definitely "No", but can you phrase it as she is just too young, and you are not comfortable with her being away from home at that age - to save feelings all round?

Yes, 100%. I just don't think it's what the average man in his 40s would do. Is there any real need to after all?

Actually being in a long term relationship decreases risk of sexual offending according to static risk assessments. Being isolated, not having an intimate relationship and feeling more comfortable with children than adults increases the risk. Obviously those things in isolation wouldn’t be a reliable predictor of abuse, but they could potentially be red flags.

Having said that I’m likely to be bias having worked with offenders for a long time. I completely trust my brothers around my DS.

I think you’re absolutely right. I get that it’s his brother and the guy is probably fine and normal but men are fucking clueless sometimes. It doesn’t mean you suspect him of anything. You’re just eliminating risk.

I'd be wondering why a 40 year old single man wants a sleep over with my young child. There's no need at all and it wouldn't be happening

@AEP123 I would just say no because she is too young for sleepovers yet anyway!

100 💯 no way!!!!!!!!

Yes it is extremely sad. But that's not the fault of this mother who is safeguarding her child; it's the fault of the considerable number of men (statistically speaking, usually a relative or friend of the victim) who harm children and make it necessary to treat all men with caution, being as the paedophiles don't wear signs round their necks.

Yes you’re missing something - about most abuse, sexual or otherwise, being done by a man!

As others have said I’m pretty sure my DH or DB wouldn’t want a 4 year old sleeping over anyway.

This seems like inconvenience for what exactly - why is the sleeping over so important (and to whom)? Why can't he take her to a kids' film at the cinema or the playground or something? And yes I know all those locations also allow abuse but sleepovers are a worse risk for obvious reasons.

I don't know a single 40 year old male of my acquaintance who would voluntarily offer to spend the night taking care of someone else's child.

No yanbu but I wouldn’t allow my 4yo to have a sleepover anywhere tbh

No way. And I am a pretty relaxed parent. This is a really odd request, my brother and his wife are childless and thus wouldn't have occurred to them. It's weird

Nope

NO NO NO NO NO NO

This. Or female tbh, unless as a huge ( reluctant) favour. Just why?

YANBU OP. I totally agree with you. Also it's not just him but people who may visit him. You probably don't know his friends or people he hangs out with. What if one of them turns up when your child is there?

It's a shame we think like that but the most important person in all of this is your child. If Uncle is upset at your decision, or your DH for that matter, then that's tough quite frankly. Your child is at the centre of the decision and that is absolutely the right thing.

An aunt is a female relative.
Hope that helps.