Is this reasonable criticism of us and how to respond?

[RedYoshi]

I've name changed because I'm aware I may get a pasting here.

SIL (DH's sister) today sent me and DH a message basically saying how she's upset that we are not welcoming to her son / our nephew - let's call him Ben.

Ben is 14 and autistic and nonverbal with high needs (sorry if I've said that wrong). He is a gentle boy and not seriously destructive but it can still be a bit stressful to have him over to visit. He likes to connect his devices to our speakers and play the first 20 seconds of songs very loudly, constantly skipping between songs. This is just what he has always enjoyed doing - it is not fun to listen to and if I'm honest it stresses me out but not a huge deal. He will also pick up small objects and chew them, which can be upsetting for our children when it's a toy that gets ruined. We do try to lock everything like that away but sometimes forget something. He does not interact with us at all. He also scares our cat (completely unintentionally - he pays the cat no actual notice - it's just the way he moves and the sounds he makes), but the cat is able to go out or find a place to hide.

This is the way Ben is and we accept this - or so I thought, but it seems SIL doesn't think that we do accept him. The trouble is that although we say yes to visits whenever we can and do what we can to accommodate him, she realises that we don't enjoy Ben's visits to our house, which being strictly honest is true. I do like to see SIL so I do like the visits overall. We are friendly and usually willing to drop everything when they drop in, but I do prefer when SIL comes without Ben.

We also visit SIL at their house, and then Ben is either in respite (he's home every other week) or playing his songs in his room. We say hi to him of course and other basic friendly stuff but of course he doesn't visibly respond in any way. We ask SIL and BIL how he's doing, which I do care about.

Am I a horrible person? Maybe I am. I know it must be very hard for SIL and I do feel shit about it and very guilty. Should we be making more effort with Ben, and if so how?

Oh gosh, that sounds very difficult. Do you know what she feels you’re not doing to welcome Ben?

Could your DH reply that she and Ben are always welcome at your home and leave it at that?

'Ben' sounds quite similar to my son. Does he have any special interests that you could use to engage with him? Try it little and often and he may start to engage more to more he gets used to doing those activities with you and may distract him from the loud skipping music etc. My son often looks like he isn't responding to people but he is always taking notice and taking everything in

Oh gosh what a tricky situation. Does she go into any explanation of what she feels is missing in the visits?

The specific things she said was that she has seen us pull a face sometimes when he puts something in his mouth he shouldn't have - which fair play I didn't realise I was doing and will try to stop - and that we tell her if he's got something that belongs to our kids instead of taking it from him ourselves.

I think she can just tell that it's stressful for us. I think we need to relax more somehow.

He likes noises. For example he enjoys turning all the taps on, playing with the microwave, turning all the radiators on to hear the whoosh of water in the pipes. We don't stop him doing these things as they are harmless. I hadn't thought of doing them with him - not sure if he'd respond to that but it is a good idea to try, thank you!

It sounds very stressful. Could you work on a plan for his visits to agree how you each manage things and try and make it more relaxing all round?

I think this sounds really difficult OP, because when Ben had gone home, you are left with the aftermath of explaining to your DC that their cousin has chewed up their belongings. Things like that really upset children. Can you explain to SIL that you love Ben, but the destruction of things is upsetting?

Like the PP, I think you need to understand what it is that she thinks you are doing or not doing that she is hurt by. It could be something that has simmered for a while or it could be something has just triggered her and actually she doesn’t feel like this all the time.
It is clear you care and that you are not a bad person from your message. Perhaps your husband could reply to say something like ‘we are so sorry to hear you feel like this and that has never been our intention. We care very much about Ben. It would be helpful to understand what it is that we are doing or not doing that makes you feel this is the case.”
It may be better to speak in person unless you think she’ll say things that put you on the spot.

I would ask her for suggestions of ways you can bond with him/build a relationship.

She will be the expert - say you take it on board and would really like to do more to have a relationship.

It's usually just little things like a lego block. One lego block is not a big deal (except when it is - like DS' prized golden Ninjago sword or a piece vital to a set) but as I say we do our best to get all the toys put away and lock the children's bedrooms.

Something toy or activity based that makes different sounds could probably solve your problems in that case. If he's fixated on that the rest of the problems don't happen.

Nobody likes getting their stuff chewed, she must encounter this is Ben goes to other homes.

This is a child who is in respite and comes home every other week.
I doubt he is going to many people’s houses. 😢

Could you seed some stuff that is OK to chew as well as putting away anything that isn't?

We have similar with a family member with profound SEND. They also like to switch stuff on and off usually the lights and the taps which is OK until the tap stays on...

It is hard to accommodate everyone's needs and we have had tears from our DC when precious stuff got broken. It was a hard lesson learned and now it gets put properly away and we have some sacrificial stuff out that they can break.

Families like this don't generally get invited round to people's houses because of the type of situations the OP is describing.

Can he wear headphones to listen to music? Suggest to sil maybe she can replace the stuff he destroys before having a go at you... Her ds can't help it but you aren't a free toy shop either...

Sorry, just to clarify I meant that in a way to say that usually it's often only relative's homes that families like these get the chance to visit.

I say this as parent to a child with SEND - the issue isn’t Ben, it’s her. We watch DS closely. We don’t let him put other people’s possessions in his mouth, and make sure we are there to redirect him, We take a selection of items that are high value to DS so he’ll be engaged with that. It’s sounds like your SIL is being extremely passive and that’s not really something you can do if you want to be a safe SEND parent.

I think this is the best way ⬆️⬆️

Id tell her that the reality is that some times, you aren’t sure to respond (eg when you tell her her ds has a toy of yours instead of taking it from him yourself) but that you are totally willing to do more. You want to see them. You want to see him and at no time did you mean to be hurtful.
Maybe explain that you’ve noticed he like to play with noises and you wondered if doing that with him could be nice.
Is there anything else that could help?

If he is in respite so much, is it also a case that she is struggling with that and with the fact things will never be as relaxed as they are when he isnt there during visits too?

Can you say to her that you love them both, but you're not always sure of the best way to interact with Ben, that will also work for him, but would really appreciate any ideas she has of how you can make him feel more comfortable and build a closer relationship with him.

Personally I would be really heartfelt and apologetic ‘we love you and we love Ben and I’m so sorry we’ve got the tone wrong when you come to visit, we hate to think we aren’t being as welcoming as we could, please let us know specifically how we can do things next time and we would really like to try again’ even if you don’t 100% feel like this it might make her feel better. I feel for her, stuff is shit and she’s just muddling through

I 'm glad that the op sounds nice and am sure she has enough emotional intelligence to know that this is a provocative suggestion meant to be hurtful.

There are sensory necklace things that children with autism can chew. And there are headphones. In your shoes I would be honest. The loud changing songs are stressful and it is natural for your children to be upset if stuff they value gets chewed. It will help to make his visits pleasant if she brings something he can chew, and controls the music so it's less unpleasant for others. It might also be helpful if she suggests some kind of activity all three of you can do that he enjoys. You would like to make more of a relationship with him but need her help to make that happen.

You seem quite nice - caring and supportive to me.