Is this reasonable criticism of us and how to respond?

[RedYoshi]

I've name changed because I'm aware I may get a pasting here.

SIL (DH's sister) today sent me and DH a message basically saying how she's upset that we are not welcoming to her son / our nephew - let's call him Ben.

Ben is 14 and autistic and nonverbal with high needs (sorry if I've said that wrong). He is a gentle boy and not seriously destructive but it can still be a bit stressful to have him over to visit. He likes to connect his devices to our speakers and play the first 20 seconds of songs very loudly, constantly skipping between songs. This is just what he has always enjoyed doing - it is not fun to listen to and if I'm honest it stresses me out but not a huge deal. He will also pick up small objects and chew them, which can be upsetting for our children when it's a toy that gets ruined. We do try to lock everything like that away but sometimes forget something. He does not interact with us at all. He also scares our cat (completely unintentionally - he pays the cat no actual notice - it's just the way he moves and the sounds he makes), but the cat is able to go out or find a place to hide.

This is the way Ben is and we accept this - or so I thought, but it seems SIL doesn't think that we do accept him. The trouble is that although we say yes to visits whenever we can and do what we can to accommodate him, she realises that we don't enjoy Ben's visits to our house, which being strictly honest is true. I do like to see SIL so I do like the visits overall. We are friendly and usually willing to drop everything when they drop in, but I do prefer when SIL comes without Ben.

We also visit SIL at their house, and then Ben is either in respite (he's home every other week) or playing his songs in his room. We say hi to him of course and other basic friendly stuff but of course he doesn't visibly respond in any way. We ask SIL and BIL how he's doing, which I do care about.

Am I a horrible person? Maybe I am. I know it must be very hard for SIL and I do feel shit about it and very guilty. Should we be making more effort with Ben, and if so how?

Without knowing the tone of SIL’s message, or of course the relationship you have with her - is this not worth a coffee somewhere that isn’t your house or there’s. Without ‘Ben’ or your children. Where you sit down and say - look, we love Ben dearly and enjoy spending time with him, but you’re right, I do stress and worry sometimes that he might hurt himself or break something. And I didn’t realise it was obvious on my face, I’m sorry about that and will try harder. But also, as his parent, how do you want us to auntie / uncle him. Because I don’t like to cross the line and tell him not to do something because I don’t feel it’s my place. But I’ll happily support you - whatever that looks like.
Or similar. And just discuss what support and welcoming looks like. That she messaged you says it’s something she wants to improve without argument.

I think the criticism of you is very unreasonable. SIL doesn’t give you very much notice at all for her visits to prepare. You actually seem very accommodating and very understanding.

I’d be telling my SIL where to get off actually. I appreciate that it’s hard having a child with autism, but surely there are strategies that she can use to stop him chewing and destroying your kids toys and other property? She’s not doing him any favours by not doing so.

I think you’ve been more than reasonable. Perhaps I’m biased as I have a SIL I seriously dislike and won’t take any crap off her, but I’d be telling her “Sorry you feel that way. We love Ben, and do our best to include him. Perhaps from now on it’s best if we just come to your house to see Ben. That way everyone’s more comfortable”.

Way to make the relationship even worse (by ‘invoicing’ SIL) - when OP is trying to repair

I think the “ how do you want us to Auntie/ Uncle him” is a really good way to put it.

It emphasises your bond with him and shows you take your role seriously, but also gently points out you aren’t parenting so wont be in the best position to know how to get it right.

You definitely need more than 10 mins notice, to organise yourselves and house.

If I'm honest, I would say to her...

" We find it quite difficult when Ben comes to ours. The children don't like that their toys are destroyed, and everyone feels very overwhelmed when he changes the music and it is so loud. I think it is best that we come to you as everyone will feel more comfortable."

The needs of SEN children do not top that of others.... I really think more SEN parents need to be aware of that.

Maybe put it on yourself ok and say “ we are so messy we need clear up time because our Dc leave so much stuff lying round and I worry about Ben choking and worry about the children being upset.”

I mean in reality you are perfectly entitled to have your children’s stuff everywhere ( we do!) , but “ blaming” that is less confrontational than putting the emphasis on Ben being a person people need to prepare for.

I think your SIL needs to play her part in helping this be a less stressful situation. For one thing it sounds like it would be a lot easier if she just gave me more notice time before a visit, then you would have time to put things away etc. maybe due to Ben’s needs she couldn’t give an exact time of arrival but say phoning in the morning to say we are planning to pop round this afternoon would be enough. She must know that you might be out or have plans or something booked with your children so with 10 / 15 mins notice you are not always going to be available at home. It’s not realistic for your children to have everything precious tidied and locked away on the off chance that with 10 mins notice that your SIL and Ben will be coming round.

He is your nephew, a nephew who has a disability. We are not all the same. He isn’t like the other people you expect him to be like. Broaden your tolerance for a wider range of human behaviour , to encompass his disability.

So what if he puts stuff in his mouth, you have kids, they grew up putting stuff in their mouths. You have a cat.. you are hardly hygiene central.

I’m not saying everything is always easy but try to see this through your SIL’s eyes.

How do they interact with him? Interact in the same way

It does sound like a very difficult situation and you are doing your best to accommodate everyone.

What strikes me is that when you go to SIL's house, you don't have much interaction with Ben and he stays in his room and everyone is happy, but when they come to yours he has free range of the whole house and you are expected to interact with him to a much greater extent and are now being criticised because it isn't to SIL's expectations.

I think she needs to provide more direction and suggestions for how you could change things.

Get him a rain stick!

I've not read all the posts, but two things sprung to mind for Ben:
Headphones if he wants music time - can be bluetooth connection so no wires and he can play songs to his hearts content without disturbing anyone.
Sensory toys of his own to chew on can be bought online.

Connecting with a high needs child takes a lot of time. It’s important to take time just being together, observing each other and getting a sense of each other. It’s almost impossible to put that time in when you are hosting and catering for your own family as well as visitors.
I do think that if you took a bit of time just to get to know him, you would develop more of a bond and feel much more confident about their visits to you.

Could you suggest that you visit them at their home to start with, just to spend time with him. Even if it’s just sitting in the same room a few times and then gradually building up your interaction, you will begin to have an awareness of his character that you have probably been too occupied to notice before. He can’t show his feelings but he will pick up on yours and you will begin to notice tiny reactions from him which, when built upon, start the bonding process.

You sound like a lovely mum OP and this is indeed a difficult situation for you.
I think it would make the world of difference to both you and SIL if you could begin to feel you had a little bond with Ben rather than simply putting up with his presence when they visit.

Could you have a special 'Ben box' of things that make noises/that he can chew/sensory stuff, so that he leaves your DC toys alone and that he knows is his?

It's family! If they can make accommodations for their nephew that would be good. That way, Ben can go outside his home to other safe spaces. The world is hard for SN children and their family so anything their wider family can do to help is to be encouraged

I was wondering about that too

Just ask her …. “What can I do to fix this situation”
and listen to her.
we have situation in family. When entertaining we ask children to put away things they don’t want other kids to touch. We put away computer games and ornaments. For the few hours of the visit, we have guest and make our home comfortable for them.

You sound lovely and caring. SIL sounds worn out and maybe a bit lonely. I think your ideas all sound good, it would be great if she can find a way to give you more warning so you can get stuff out of the way that mustn't be chewed, but it sounds like the main thing that will help is chatting to her about ideas for bonding even more with him, and being open and acting on things she says like pulling a face.

I don't think it is reasonable to centre everything around the behaviours of a high needs child, when the child and its parent have not been invited, when they appear at short notice, and when the poster has other dependents.

In other situations this would be described as entitled behaviour.

Obviously if the poster wants to develop a closer relationship with the child that's great. But then the child's mother also has to take responsibility to enable that to happen.

I really do think it's best to keep who loves or doesn't love who out of it?

My sense as the grandparent of a nonverbal autistic child is that it takes a lot of time and work to make the connection happen. I can give some time to do that, because I am not responsible for other small dependent children.

I am also very grateful that I have never been accused of 'not loving' my grandson. It was understood and accepted that he could be quite unaware of others and that made it harder for others to develop to feel warmth towards him.

Really it is enough just to treat other people's children fairly, consistently and with decency. It is 100% clear that the poster has done that.

I think I'd ask her for suggestions of things you can get for him which will engage him at your house him that are 'his'.
Wireless headphones/ a toy that makes noise / something to chew.

I'd try not to take it too personally, she must be absolutely wrung out and exhausted if his behaviour is that challenging.

Very difficult situation OP but you are clearly aware that your non verbal body language/behaviour demonstrates that u find his visits difficult. This is not to lay blame on you at all.
In your shoes, I would probably acknowledge to your SIL that you find his visits difficult and thank her for bringing it to your attention. State that you will all do your best to make things better.
Looking after a child with extreme special needs is absolutely exhausting and I am sure your ILs would be appreciative of your attempts to be abit more inclusive

You are allowed to not be thrilled by him chewing other people’s stuff, in your house. She has lost perspective somewhat. You can feel how you life in your own house

As you’re putting the children’s toys away, is there any special toys or objects that would satisfy his sensory needs that you could keep at yours? That could show you’re making an effort, it wouldn’t matter if he put them in his mouth & they could be fun/special for him to keep at yours. I’m thinking like chiming balls but maybe there’s less obvious things that make his favourite droning noises that he might like.

id hate the 10-15 min notice though. Sounds like mum is almost using you for a visit (to entertain Ben, something to do) and then picking up on stressed vibes - I’d be stressed too with that little notice. But maybe that’s just me!!!

Perhaps I'm being insensitive but I think your SIL needs to do a better job of managing her son's behaviours when he's in other people's houses.

You said when you go to her home he's either in respite or in his room.

So why, when she visits your house, does she think it's acceptable to allow him to play loud music, turn on taps/electrical devices, and chew on your belongings? I find it strange that she was annoyed that you're raising these points to her and not him. Why isn't she telling him to stop? Why isn't she finding alternative ways to satisfy his sensory needs?

It must be incredibly hard to parent a child with autistism, but you still have to parent them (as you would any other child).