Is this reasonable criticism of us and how to respond?

[RedYoshi]

I've name changed because I'm aware I may get a pasting here.

SIL (DH's sister) today sent me and DH a message basically saying how she's upset that we are not welcoming to her son / our nephew - let's call him Ben.

Ben is 14 and autistic and nonverbal with high needs (sorry if I've said that wrong). He is a gentle boy and not seriously destructive but it can still be a bit stressful to have him over to visit. He likes to connect his devices to our speakers and play the first 20 seconds of songs very loudly, constantly skipping between songs. This is just what he has always enjoyed doing - it is not fun to listen to and if I'm honest it stresses me out but not a huge deal. He will also pick up small objects and chew them, which can be upsetting for our children when it's a toy that gets ruined. We do try to lock everything like that away but sometimes forget something. He does not interact with us at all. He also scares our cat (completely unintentionally - he pays the cat no actual notice - it's just the way he moves and the sounds he makes), but the cat is able to go out or find a place to hide.

This is the way Ben is and we accept this - or so I thought, but it seems SIL doesn't think that we do accept him. The trouble is that although we say yes to visits whenever we can and do what we can to accommodate him, she realises that we don't enjoy Ben's visits to our house, which being strictly honest is true. I do like to see SIL so I do like the visits overall. We are friendly and usually willing to drop everything when they drop in, but I do prefer when SIL comes without Ben.

We also visit SIL at their house, and then Ben is either in respite (he's home every other week) or playing his songs in his room. We say hi to him of course and other basic friendly stuff but of course he doesn't visibly respond in any way. We ask SIL and BIL how he's doing, which I do care about.

Am I a horrible person? Maybe I am. I know it must be very hard for SIL and I do feel shit about it and very guilty. Should we be making more effort with Ben, and if so how?

@RedYoshi, have you known Ben since he was born? Your husband clearly has. I find it really unfathomable, and heartbreaking, that you don't seem to have any love or affection for this child; in fact, you clearly view him as an irritant.

My 12 year old niece is very similar to Ben (especially with regards to the chewing things), and she is adored by the whole family. My other niece (5) and nephew (8), her cousins, have been raised to understand that she is different and they totally accept her. They have never once been upset about her chewing their toys, etc, because they have looked to see how the adults in her family respond to her, and learnt empathy and compassion from a very young age.

I would suggest you and your husband extend a heartfelt apology to Ben's mum, and work on teaching your children about how and why some people are different.

I've known him since he was 2. I do have affection for him and we certainly do raise our children to accept him and understand that he is different.

My children are not perfect and they have been upset when something gets ruined, especially when they were younger (they are now 9 and 7) - but they know it's not Ben's fault. They don't get upset with him.

I would suggest you and your husband extend a heartfelt apology to Ben's mum, and work on teaching your children about how and why some people are different.

@IdgieThreadgoodeIsMyHeroine what exactly is OP apologising for? I've reread her posts and can't quite see what she's meant to have done wrong.

@KeenCat
Do you really not feel like any of the below merits an apology?

The specific things she said was that she has seen us pull a face sometimes when he puts something in his mouth he shouldn't have - which fair play I didn't realise I was doing and will try to stop - and that we tell her if he's got something that belongs to our kids instead of taking it from him ourselves.

I think she can just tell that it's stressful for us. I think we need to relax more somehow.

I think you have hit the nail on the head and this is exactly what SIL is driving at. That we should be enjoying seeing Ben and spending time with him because he's part of our family, rather than just tolerating him.

That we should be enjoying seeing Ben and spending time with him because he's part of our family, rather than just tolerating him.

But that's just going to happen all at once, no matter what you do. I don't enjoy seeing people just because they're part of the family, not if they are difficult or cause stress, whether they can help it or not. But I will make an effort to tolerate them and do whatever I can for all of us to have the best time possible instead of just dropping them and that is because we are family not acquaintances.

Getting to the point where you all enjoy seeing Ben could be a slow process, step by step with trial and error. And if your SiL really wants that then she needs to help that process along and have tolerance for your natural feelings of stress as well.

I can't for a second imagine how hard life must be with an austic child, but as a parent you surely should take some ownership of how to manage those behaviours in other people's homes?

This has been expressed in a variety of ways by several posters. I think it’s grossly unfair and really highlights that you really DON’T understand how hard the SILs life may be. There’s no option on “ownership”, this is her all day forever. Few people will tolerate her child and even fewer will genuinely want to know him or spend time with him. If his relatives won’t reach over the gap to include him it’s vanishingly unlikely that anyone else will bother. SIL faces a life of joining him in exile or the pain of watching him experience others barely tolerating him.

I think what is really sad and you won’t believe is that this child could probably bring far more than he takes. You will have to work for it but you could create a family that is stronger, sweeter and safer than before.

So…. The parent is allowed to find it hard work/stressful but not the OP?

EDIT TO ADD
Fwiw I think it’s possible to find the child hard work and stressful AND still welcome him rather than just tolerating him.

I've got a son with autism (amongst other things) and I wouldn't slate you for your post.

You are inviting him round, being patient and making an effort.

The only thing I could add would be to go out and do something "Ben" really enjoys so he is as relaxed as possible. So if it is trains, visit a railway museum. Then you will see him in his element and he won't chew things in your house.

The tone of that would be snarky I agree. The headphones suggestion hardly seems all that hurtful to me. Surely better all round of he wears headphones?

I think it is sadly very rare for a child with severe sn to be fully accepted. My two have asd and it is pretty clear that some people even struggle with the fact that my dd sometimes laughs v loudly or makes random noises. I don't know what can be done about this though. She knows you don't truly accept him. I tend to avoid others who don't really accept dd.

That sounds a lovely idea. I was about to suggest meeting on neutral ground might be better.

That's my post you've quoted.

The reality is, when Ben comes to visit he continually plays loud songs, turns on radiators/taps/microwaves and chews OP's and OP's children's possessions. This creates a stressful environment. The fact Ben has autism means OP should empathise, but it doesn't make the environment any less stressful.

If OP's sister wants OP to enjoy the visits, then she needs to work with OP to find a way to make the visits less stressful. This needs to involve finding ways to manage Ben's behaviours. And if SIL, as Ben's parent, isn't doing that currently then I don't know how she can expect OP to do it. Especially if Ben is in his room or in respite when OP visits their house.

If SIL doesn't help them in this process, the visits will continue to be stressful and OP will continue to grin and bear it.

Do you have a spare room or some place that you could make into a Nen safe space? Kit it out with Ben friendly toys and some speakers. SiL may like that you have visibly created a special space whereby he is safe and she can have a coffee break. Bear in mind it may take a few visits to get used to it.

At NO point did I say that the parent is allowed to find it hard work and stressful and the OP isn't but... are you serious? The parent spends a hell of a lot more time with her son than @RedYoshi does. It's also clear the parent does a lot more than just 'tolerate' her son, and she probably manages not to pull a face when he puts things in his mouth, too.

Also, I couldn't care less if the OP finds it hard work and stressful on the occasional visits her nephew makes to her house- she should be doing a significantly better job of hiding it.

The reality is, when Ben comes to visit he continually plays loud songs, turns on radiators/taps/microwaves and chews OP's and OP's children's possessions. This creates a stressful environment. The fact Ben has autism means OP should empathise, but it doesn't make the environment any less stressful.

Is it really that stressful, though? Yes it's noisy, but it's not like it's day in, day out for the OP. I mean, if you've had toddlers, surely you can handle some noise and chewing of toys?

Edited to add: In case you haven't seen my above post, my niece (12) sounds very similar to Ben. Every time she comes round, she empties my cupboards, takes all the books off the bookshelves and chews them, plays with noisy toys, steals my glasses. I am an introvert who loves silence, but I love my niece more, and genuinely enjoy seeing her happy, even if what makes her happy is (temporarily) wrecking my house. It's so sad that the OP doesn't feel this way about her nephew.

I think what is really sad and you won’t believe is that this child could probably bring far more than he takes.

100% this. Watching my niece be so happy at something as mundane as opening and closing a cupboard door brings me so much joy, and the OP seems to be totally missing this in her nephew.

You're missing my point.

The visits are stressful.

Yes, I would find it stressful if my nephew played loud music, randomly turned on noisy devices in my house and chewed my belongings (including my children's belongings) every time he visited. Clearly you have a higher tolerance than me if you would be happy in this sort of environment, but I wouldn't find the visits enjoyable.

As a toddler mum of course I can handle some noise and chewing, but I wouldn't allow my son to behave as Ben does now or in 10 years time in another persons home. I appreciate that's very easy for me to say as a parent of NT child, but if he were ND I would be aware of how his behaviours can impact others.

Ben is likely in his room or at respite when OP visits because he behaves in a more challenging manner when he has visitors or possibly because he becomes very distressed before or after the visit. It’s likely OP is managing him very well.

@RedYoshi I’d treat him as you would want your child treated should he be similarly disabled through an accident or illness. What might work really well is a pop up one person tent with some rainmakers and toys you think might appeal.

I think he's just mostly in his room because that's where his speaker is. He does come out! He's generally a calm and happy boy.

I do like to see him happy and I don't think it's fair to say that I don't. It's very important to DH and I that Ben feels happy and comfortable in our house and I am actually completely sure that this is the case. Ben gets excited when he realises he is coming to ours because he has fun and feels good here.

I am actually so sorry about this whole situation and I have said as much to SIL. The skipping music raises my stress levels and I'm not sure that's something I can change (I have never said this to SIL or BIL) but it is probably something I can mask better.

How can you possibly imagine his mother doesn’t know his disability impacts others? 😱. Unfortunately however much his mother won’t “allow” her son to behave in this way she won’t be able to insulate her wider family if they are to see them. She has a choice. She can stay home or in designated disabled friendly places or she can step into the world with him and hope that he will be given a chance. What she will be praying for is that OP and her family will become part of his safe space. I hope you do too @RedYoshi . You have an opportunity here to totally change the experience of this family.

I have never seen Ben wearing headphones and I know he doesn't have any at home, which is why I suspect they don't work for him btw.

What are they apologising for?

I'm sure she is but in the specific situation OP is talking about, SIL is accusing OP of being unwelcoming towards Ben when I actually think OP is showing a high level of tolerance in what most people would find a stressful environment (other than some face pulling, which I'll admit to doing when DS is chewing on something he shouldn't).

The visits are stressful, most people would recognise this and I'm not clear what SIL is doing to address this other than say that OP should be more welcoming.

Plenty of people more educated on this than me have suggested ways to help manage the behaviour, I'm just not sure why the onus is on OP to do this and not SIL.

I really wasn't missing your point. I just disagree with you.

@MrRobinsonsQuango

I replied to this same question before