Is this reasonable criticism of us and how to respond?

[RedYoshi]

I've name changed because I'm aware I may get a pasting here.

SIL (DH's sister) today sent me and DH a message basically saying how she's upset that we are not welcoming to her son / our nephew - let's call him Ben.

Ben is 14 and autistic and nonverbal with high needs (sorry if I've said that wrong). He is a gentle boy and not seriously destructive but it can still be a bit stressful to have him over to visit. He likes to connect his devices to our speakers and play the first 20 seconds of songs very loudly, constantly skipping between songs. This is just what he has always enjoyed doing - it is not fun to listen to and if I'm honest it stresses me out but not a huge deal. He will also pick up small objects and chew them, which can be upsetting for our children when it's a toy that gets ruined. We do try to lock everything like that away but sometimes forget something. He does not interact with us at all. He also scares our cat (completely unintentionally - he pays the cat no actual notice - it's just the way he moves and the sounds he makes), but the cat is able to go out or find a place to hide.

This is the way Ben is and we accept this - or so I thought, but it seems SIL doesn't think that we do accept him. The trouble is that although we say yes to visits whenever we can and do what we can to accommodate him, she realises that we don't enjoy Ben's visits to our house, which being strictly honest is true. I do like to see SIL so I do like the visits overall. We are friendly and usually willing to drop everything when they drop in, but I do prefer when SIL comes without Ben.

We also visit SIL at their house, and then Ben is either in respite (he's home every other week) or playing his songs in his room. We say hi to him of course and other basic friendly stuff but of course he doesn't visibly respond in any way. We ask SIL and BIL how he's doing, which I do care about.

Am I a horrible person? Maybe I am. I know it must be very hard for SIL and I do feel shit about it and very guilty. Should we be making more effort with Ben, and if so how?

@MrRobinsonsQuango

This is what she should be apologising for:

The specific things she said was that she has seen us pull a face sometimes when he puts something in his mouth he shouldn't have - which fair play I didn't realise I was doing and will try to stop - and that we tell her if he's got something that belongs to our kids instead of taking it from him ourselves.

I think she can just tell that it's stressful for us. I think we need to relax more somehow.

I think you have hit the nail on the head and this is exactly what SIL is driving at. That we should be enjoying seeing Ben and spending time with him because he's part of our family, rather than just tolerating him.

I still can’t see what they would be apologising for though, despite reading your answers.

I think this is reasonable.

It is hard work. And I've not gone back to people when DC has been too difficult to manage without destroying/damaging something important to the host.

I would just leave it. If she doesn't want to come round anymore then so be it.

I feel sorry got your dc tbh, having their toys chewed. In all honesty what is she expecting? That you'll say you're glad he comes and eats your possessions, messes with the radiators etc?

I get that it's hard for her, but put your dc first. Visit in Ben's home.

In that case, I really hope you don't have any children with SEND in your life.

Charming.

He damages things at their house, plays music in a super annoying way and they find it annoying. They can feel and think exactly what they like, especially in their own home. Is SIL the thought police? People have lots of thoughts and feelings, they can’t just be banned.

Oh and as you’re getting personal then l have a neurodiversity diagnosis and it feels like one of my children will get one. Neurodiversity isn’t a get out of jail free card to do whatever you like (especially to other children’s belongings). That’s damaging, unhelpful and unrealistic.

Of course they can think and feel whatever they like, but they don't have to make it quite so obvious to the poor boy and his mother. He's not doing the things they find annoying because he's 'naughty', he's doing them because they bring him comfort.

Ben is not just 'neurodiverse', which covers an incredibly broad range of levels ability and cognition. He is severely autistic. He is non-verbal at 14 and in respite care 50% of the time. He will not be capable of understanding that he cannot do whatever he likes with other people's things.

You clearly have limited understanding of what life is like for children with severe SEND and their families.

When are they making it obvious to him and mum? OP made reference to thinking the SIL saw an expression on her face but says she isn’t even aware of doing it. Often it’s hard to conceal reactions to things especially when negative and they have happened a number of times before.

When did l say he was naughty?

While each child is different, my relative - younger than Ben - is non-verbal and has pica. They are in an autism unit attached to a mainstream school.

My young relative knows very clearly that some behaviours are 'wrong'. For example trying to undo the straps on the car seat is wrong. So is putting their face right next to the TV screen. So is trying to put their fingers in plug sockets.

It's simply that sometimes their wish to do all these things - because it's not pleasant to be unable to wiggle about, and the plug sockets are interesting, and the patterns and noises on the big screen are so wonderful they want everthing as loud and near as possible - means that they either forget or that they do remember but the longing is just too strong.

So what is important for parents and the other adults in the family is to be really consistent and show, again and again where the boundaries are. It's also good to be able to offer distraction, actively helping them to do the safe things that they enjoy. When someone is non-verbal, it doesn't mean there can't be any kind of communication. There just has to be very clear and simple communication, that is also backed up by clear action.

It's not actually that helpful to go 'Poor little X has special needs so we must let them do whatever they want and never say no because X won't ever understand anything.' People might think that is nice and loving and kind. But it is not in any way in X's best interests.