Is this reasonable criticism of us and how to respond?

[RedYoshi]

I've name changed because I'm aware I may get a pasting here.

SIL (DH's sister) today sent me and DH a message basically saying how she's upset that we are not welcoming to her son / our nephew - let's call him Ben.

Ben is 14 and autistic and nonverbal with high needs (sorry if I've said that wrong). He is a gentle boy and not seriously destructive but it can still be a bit stressful to have him over to visit. He likes to connect his devices to our speakers and play the first 20 seconds of songs very loudly, constantly skipping between songs. This is just what he has always enjoyed doing - it is not fun to listen to and if I'm honest it stresses me out but not a huge deal. He will also pick up small objects and chew them, which can be upsetting for our children when it's a toy that gets ruined. We do try to lock everything like that away but sometimes forget something. He does not interact with us at all. He also scares our cat (completely unintentionally - he pays the cat no actual notice - it's just the way he moves and the sounds he makes), but the cat is able to go out or find a place to hide.

This is the way Ben is and we accept this - or so I thought, but it seems SIL doesn't think that we do accept him. The trouble is that although we say yes to visits whenever we can and do what we can to accommodate him, she realises that we don't enjoy Ben's visits to our house, which being strictly honest is true. I do like to see SIL so I do like the visits overall. We are friendly and usually willing to drop everything when they drop in, but I do prefer when SIL comes without Ben.

We also visit SIL at their house, and then Ben is either in respite (he's home every other week) or playing his songs in his room. We say hi to him of course and other basic friendly stuff but of course he doesn't visibly respond in any way. We ask SIL and BIL how he's doing, which I do care about.

Am I a horrible person? Maybe I am. I know it must be very hard for SIL and I do feel shit about it and very guilty. Should we be making more effort with Ben, and if so how?

Also get him some headphones so that he can listen to his loud music, skip tracks

Honestly I think you sound beautiful and I think your SIL is sounding isolated and rejected. I would ask her if she is ok and just be there as a sounding board.

I think your reaction is totally understandable. I can only speculate as to why they’re upset, which possibly comes down to a big mismatch in need.

Simply having intricate problem solving skills / learning toys, which your kids don’t want broken, is a perhaps a reminder that their ds will never get to the point, where he has a concept of toys for learning new skills. If this is the case, I can well see why your bil/ sil see their ds’s need to chew to be more significant even if it isn’t to you and your dcs.

From what you’ve said, I am wondering if you’re being too accommodating so as not to upset bil / sil / Ben and in the process your children are being upset. In any case, breaking toys is unfair on your dcs and causing friction with your in laws.

I think @HoundsOfSmell has some absolutely fantastic ideas for connecting with your dn. To do this takes a certain amount of planning and 10 minutes isn’t enough time to make your home into a sensory experience for your dn.

I think rather than apologising, I wonder if this could be used as a possibility to open up discussion and maybe you could ask your sil if she has any ideas for resolving the situation. You sound close. If she comes up with a bunch of you should’s, this could be a cue to say you cannot change your reaction and talk about the sensory ideas from Hound. And to gently talk about what they can do to facilitate this. eg, they could:

1. supervise Ben so he doesn’t destroy your family’s possessions.
2. agree from now on to only come on planned visits thus giving you time to set the house up.
3. agree to give you more notice. How much time would you need?
4. agree to having all visits in their home.
5. agree to meet at an appropriate place for everyone if there is one.
6. bring a bag of toys etc with them.

I imagine the last point is something you’d perhaps do yourself were you visiting grandparents, who have zero stuff to play with in their house. I still take things with us to amuse 16 yo dd if we go on holiday.

Their lives sound disorganised and chaotic, which is perhaps due to not coping with your dn and hopefully they will understand you’re trying to help. You sound lovely and I am sure you can find a way forward, which works for everyone.

Aw I feel for you all - there’s no right answer I would just approach with empathy and ask her maybe what she feels you could do differently. Likely you will always feel apprehensive about his visits and she will always feel sensitive about it, try your best and that’s all you can do

[I’m going to mostly use “you” here to mean you and your DH. Obviously this shouldn’t be on you more than him, but you describe it as if you’re in the same place he is with it.]

You’re not a horrible person and your SIL isn’t unreasonable. I’m sure as a mum yourself you can imagine all the feelings she’ll have around Ben’s ability to form relationships and find acceptance, and those will be incredibly acute with close family. A lot of parents of children with needs on Ben’s level have deep (often not unfounded) fears about their children effectively being effectively left alone if something were to happen to the parents.

It sounds like your SIL is tackling this in a relatively direct, cards-on-the-table way, and I think you should follow that lead. ”DSIL, we love Ben. We want him to know that and we want him to be comfortable at our house and for everyone to enjoy visits. But you’re right, I think DH and I aren’t always confident in how to go about that. Are you willing to help us figure out some tweaks and new approaches?”

Talk about things like how she wants you to handle redirecting him (knowing that she’d like you to ask him for an object he’s chewing on instead of letting her know so she can handle it is a great start, but if you need more guidance on how it’s ok to ask), a compromise where he can play his songs without everyone else needing headache medicine (can the speakers be moved? Can you find another sound experience for him?), and brainstorm ways you can engage him both at your home and elsewhere. You’re right that your SIL likely knows about chew-safe beads so you don’t need to make recommendations to her, but you could ask her if there’s something you could keep at your house.

You don’t need to go bananas compensating, but initiating some occasional activities that will (hopefully) appeal to Ben’s interests would probably be incredibly meaningful. Is there a small local car show or nearby club/national level motor race nearby that your DH could ask SIL about taking Ben to? And if that’s too much ask for suggestions for small things you could do at his house or yours.

Ultimately the most helpful path for everyone is likely going to be you (and DH) interacting more with Ben directly so that you feel more comfortable and confident doing it.

You sound lovely I think your SiL is being unrealistic though, if Ben didn't have SEND and was 14 this is the regular amount of interaction and involvement from his aunt and uncle to a teenager... You have made loads of adaptations... You are doing your best. I would have thought that being too intense with in your dynamic with him would have been too much for ben.

This is such a wise and helpful post.

Agree. It sounds very difficult, I'd find the pattern of seeking out noises very exhausting. I doubt my sister would try as hard as you are doing if my kid had this extent of behavioural problems.

I don't think you should apologise if you haven't done anything wrong. If you apologise, you're tacitly admitting that you have not been welcoming to your nephew, which does not sound the case and could cause more problems than it solves.

I think she’s being unfair. Just tell her you don’t mean to do a face but it makes you worried when he does that in case he swallows something or damages something belonging to your kids, and ultimately she’s his parent so it makes sense to ask her to intervene if he has something that belongs to your children - that’s what you would do with any child!

I think SIL is having a hard time but that doesn’t mean she can blame you. She obviously really loves Ben and worries that you don’t, but you’re welcoming to him and that’s all she can really ask for. Dealing with a child like Ben is very difficult, and sorry to say it, but it’s not unreasonable to not enjoy his visits. This is of course hurtful for SIL, but it’s her child and she can’t expect you to love him in the same way she does (I say this irrespective of his needs).

I would just reply to SIL and say that Ben has always been welcome and you’re sorry if she feels that way, but now you feel under scrutiny after her message and it’s making you uncomfortable to host, so perhaps you should come to her instead. She’s cutting off her nose to spite her face and this message might make her realise that.

I would find this very difficult to cope with OP.

YADNBU.

Ben needs closer supervision. Your own children need to have their boundaries respected because otherwise the message to them is "your things and life don't matter or you come second to others". It's not a great way to nurture their relationship or their sense of self. Presumably meeting at a park or a neutral place is out?

I would suggest that meeting up at their house in future is the best solution.

You poor SIL the weight of his dependency must be hard for her. She probably just wants to know you care. It’s not an easy situation but I would try and get to the bottom of it, as think it’s a small sacrifice to help her with some of the burden of an extremely difficult situation.

I agree on this.

Im not sure what people are saying offer a heartfelt apology because there’s really no need. You don’t have to form a deep bond with a child that isn’t yours really, whether they have additional needs or not.

You’re definitely not a bad person OP or you wouldn’t have posted at all! I hope you manage to work through it though as it does sound a really difficult position to be in.

Sorry I have no advice but just wanted to say you’ve done nothing wrong at all

Yes, exactly this
You are obviously not a horrible person at all

My daughter had a friend who was very clumsy and would break anything she came across. We used to clear all the toys away and just put a box out with some very simple, unbreakable stuff in it which my daughter, at four, understood was to protect her prize toys. It worked although the friend said that her toys were boring so we said our younger cousin had them. Needs must.....

I think the SIL is unreasonable in giving so little notice of their visits. If she arranged it on the previous day you would have more time to clear away the important toys etc. You’ve done nothing wrong.

Sounds like a her problem.

My son also has complex needs. He has to have set routines and certain things happen in certain ways .

It can be difficult as I often have to advocate for him but if he damaged something would apologise and replace it

I think not only put your dc's toys away but get some stuff that you can leave out for Ben to chew. Obviously don't say that's what you've done but if he is chewing stuff that neither you or your kids care about you will all be more relaxed and he will be distracted and less likely to chew the good stuff.

Could you buy some toys for Ben to mouth on, that you leave lying around so he has access to them, and make it clear to your DC that they are 'Ben's toys'. Take notice of what sort of thing he tends to like to chew on and buy a few similar items.

Can he wear headphones so the blasts of music go into his ears but no one else's? That sounds like a reasonable adjustment.

If I were you I would be warm and kind and considerate to your S-i-L. It is bloody lonely having an autistic child. And one of the most heartbreaking aspects is watching them be rejected by their peers and the community. So it's understandable that she is sensitive if she feels even family reject him. Where can she go and just relax and feel her family is accepted?

Do you know him well enough to suggest that he comes and spends an afternoon with you sometimes, so she gets a break? If he likes driving, you could take him for a drive. Or binge watch or binge-game something he enjoys.

I wonder if you could have a face to face conversation with her.and see if there are ways that, between you, you can make things better for all of you. Bear in mind that she may well feel this way, in many situations, where she is unable to say how she feels whereas with you, she is relying on the fact that you love her and her son and will not turn your back on her. You have an obligation to your children, to keep them safe and their protect their belongings and you have a human reaction to finding things difficult, when they are difficult. Balancing this with your SIL's needs to find a place where she and her son are fully accepted and a place where she can sound off.

Maybe... it's a case of saying.... SIL, we love you and Ben, I am sorry if our body language betrays our instant reaction when Ben puts things in his mouth, but we don't mind and will do our best. What can we do to make your visits to our house better for you?

I teach in an ASD unit. You sound great. He sounds like he loves coming to your house with the special speakers!
If you can, I’d let him continue with the speaker/music game (if you need to then set a time limit and give him a five minute warning before the end of the music time)
Id just try and clear up the chewable toys eg Lego - lots of the children with ASD in my class love to chew Lego so we removed it.
Talk to your own children about SEN and ASD (I’m sure you have but keep doing it) so they have an understanding of why he’s chewing stuff and needs the music input. Maybe they can join in some of the noisy games with him/car activities, obviously depends how old they are!

This is such a nice supportive thread. I’ve personally learned a lot from some of the suggestions on how to communicate and build bonds with more severely autistic people.

You sound lovely. And you've owned you pull a face.
I suspect that sil is feeling sad and releasing anger at people that she knows actually really care about her. You're like her safe adults. Treat her like you would a toddler lashing out - with hugs and love and an admittance that she's right about the face and you'll stoo.
Buy some lego bits he can chew. And ask her how she is? Is she coping? Is she getting depressed?

I wonder if you could have toys for Ben that are high value to him and only come out when he is with you? A glockenspiel or keyboard or drum kit (ideally with headphones) or a selection of instruments that you can all play with if he is attracted to noise?

Would he like a sticker book or a card collection and you could have a new pack for him to open each time so there is something positive that you can both look forward to?

Your SIL is going to know Ben has annoying habits and is going to be hyper sensitive to him being unwelcome. If you tried the above it might reduce the pressure off his visits a little? Best of luck, it’s difficult and it’s lovely that you listened and care x