Is this reasonable criticism of us and how to respond?

[RedYoshi]

I've name changed because I'm aware I may get a pasting here.

SIL (DH's sister) today sent me and DH a message basically saying how she's upset that we are not welcoming to her son / our nephew - let's call him Ben.

Ben is 14 and autistic and nonverbal with high needs (sorry if I've said that wrong). He is a gentle boy and not seriously destructive but it can still be a bit stressful to have him over to visit. He likes to connect his devices to our speakers and play the first 20 seconds of songs very loudly, constantly skipping between songs. This is just what he has always enjoyed doing - it is not fun to listen to and if I'm honest it stresses me out but not a huge deal. He will also pick up small objects and chew them, which can be upsetting for our children when it's a toy that gets ruined. We do try to lock everything like that away but sometimes forget something. He does not interact with us at all. He also scares our cat (completely unintentionally - he pays the cat no actual notice - it's just the way he moves and the sounds he makes), but the cat is able to go out or find a place to hide.

This is the way Ben is and we accept this - or so I thought, but it seems SIL doesn't think that we do accept him. The trouble is that although we say yes to visits whenever we can and do what we can to accommodate him, she realises that we don't enjoy Ben's visits to our house, which being strictly honest is true. I do like to see SIL so I do like the visits overall. We are friendly and usually willing to drop everything when they drop in, but I do prefer when SIL comes without Ben.

We also visit SIL at their house, and then Ben is either in respite (he's home every other week) or playing his songs in his room. We say hi to him of course and other basic friendly stuff but of course he doesn't visibly respond in any way. We ask SIL and BIL how he's doing, which I do care about.

Am I a horrible person? Maybe I am. I know it must be very hard for SIL and I do feel shit about it and very guilty. Should we be making more effort with Ben, and if so how?

Oh and I agree with Christmascarnage

I agree that you need to ask her to teach you how to interact with Ben and support him.

for example, ask if it would help if you have some chewy toys at home for when Ben visits.

www.sensorydirect.com/ark-chewy-brick-stick

You seem kind and considerate, OP.

It seems like you're fond of your SIL, so I'll assume you're relatively close.

Your SIL probably finds going out and about with her son quite stressful, and she may feel quite isolated. She probably deals with remarks/off looks from many people, both strangers and people known to her. You usually can't do much about that, other than just plod on and try to take it in your stride.

Often, we take out our frustrations on the people we feel closest to and safest with. It's very unfair, but it's just human nature! I wonder if she feels it's a bit like her and her son against the world, and then when she gets to your house and is with people she feels close to, she's hyper reacting to every minor thing you do, thinking "ffs not you too!!" - essentially focusing her frustrations with everyone else onto you specifically.

If I were you, I'd just go big on reassuring her that you love her and her son and want to do what you can to make sure she knows they are both always welcome.

I am not really in favour of lying. I used to find it hard to 'love' a child in my extend3d family who has a very marked degree of autism. They were just in a world of their own and though I did my best to behave kindly and appropriately there was really not much sense of connection. That has changed over time and I do feel genuinely fond of him now.
But really I think it's fine just to say you care about their well being and want to try and help.

Perhaps reply to your SIL and say you are sorry and you really do care for them both.

That if you have fallen short, you'd really appreciate it if she can help you to build a better relationship with him. Praise the amazing job she does and ask her to show you something he likes on each visit so you an build up gradually because they do mean such a lot to you.

On a practical level, could you identify suitable chewing things? Get some cheap imitation Lego or other things similar to those he likes and place a few in his favourite places.

Try to get him something at Christmas that makes noises of the kind he likes. It seems he likes the ability to stop and start the noise so something you can do this on rather than just buttons that play sounds.

Do a few bits that show thought and care for him.

Really she is probably just feeling very down and needs to offload. I don't think you've done very much wrong but given how tough she has it I think you probably need to take this one on the chin and see how you can do better, because it's not something most of us would necessarily just know even when the child in question is a close relative.

It’s really hard OP and you will always get people who will have a go at posts like yours because they just don’t see how you could find it hard or stressful, just that it must be hard for your SIL and indeed Ben. I work with families like your SIL and Ben’s and sometimes they’re too aware of their child ‘offending’ and don’t let them out anywhere at all, or very much the other way and ‘take him as he comes and fuck you if you don’t like it’ type attitude, neither of which are wrong it’s just all down to individual circumstances. The only advice I’d have is to bear in mind your NT children may well be a bit of a sore subject for your SIL. Their very being might be a constant reminder that her son is very different to them. Or she might not care, I don’t know. I’d give the benefit of the doubt and be very empathetic and ask whether something specific has happened. Going forward, could you find some sensory toys, chew buddy toys , light up speakers etc that your kids could maybe have in their rooms or in a special box and they could share with Ben. See if you can engage him a little in that. Maybe suggest a visit to a trampoline place or somewhere they can all enjoy then the pressure of being in your home might not be so much ?

@Min133 you put this so well. My son right now could be described as similar. Personally if my brother didn’t fully embrace and accept then there’d be no relationship at all between us. Thankfully, my brother really is the best and fully appreciated me son for who he is and adapts, takes care of him when we go out for a few hours, etc. he’s a fab uncle and my son loves him. It may not always look visible in a traditional sense but he does.

My daughter has a lot of additional needs and attended sen schools, gets PIP (used to get dla). I was always very careful to supervise her when we visited other people's homes. Where is your SIL when your nephew is putting stuff in his mouth? Does she expect him to be allowed to do this? Or is she leaving him unsupervised?

I knew parents who would let their children behave inappropriately and imo there has to be a balance - I wouldn't put my daughter into situations she couldn't handle or allow her to distress friends and family.

I bet you are a lot more accepting than most people she knows. My SIL couldn't cope with my daughter singing along to the radio out of tune! And my nephew refused to let her attend his wedding last year in case she cried and made a scene apparently.

So I think you have nothing to apologise for. His behaviour IS challenging and he needs supervision and it's not your job to do it. I would just reply saying you would like to clarify what would help and leave it at that.

Every autistic person is different, but from what you've described, having activities that he can do that align with his interests and trying to engage with him through those activities might be worth a try. He needs spaces where he can be himself - noisy, sensory seeking etc, but supported to do so in more positive ways. Going on what you've said, it sounds like his mum is really struggling. Be really clear to her that you want to support her and Ben, and maybe ask if you could get some cheap musical instruments (kazoos, slide whistles, tin whistles, recorders, tambourines etc) and gently try using them with him? You might even have fun.

I think she's being unreasonable.

She needs to watch Ben more closely herself when they're visiting, just as you would watch your own younger child in someone else's house.

If you did indeed turn into the chewing toy police I bet she'd pick you up on that too.

Tell her you pulling a face is your way of communicating that Ben has a toy you'd prefer him not to chew.

If she wants you to relax more, then maybe she needs to give you enough notice of a visit to allow you to do a sweep of the house to be sure all the toys are put away?

So this is probably impractical and maybe I'm full of shit, but I look at this situation and think:

Ben is 14
He likes random sounds, especially music

He needs some other random-noise-loving teens
An empty garage
And some music instruments
So they can form the world's worst band
It'll probably make them all really happy

I think your SIL is being unreasonable. I think you're being more welcoming to your nephew than a lot of people would, and he clearly does get to do most of the things he enjoys when he's at your house. You obviously do want him to be happy when he's there.

I understand that it must be hard for your SIL, but I think there's maybe a degree of projection going on. I suspect she, in fact, finds it stressful taking Ben to other people's houses and is on edge as a result, and is perhaps then hypersensitive to other's reactions. I can completely understand why that might be the case, but you've become the people she's taking that out on.

Ultimately, I think your SIL has every right to expect her son to be accepted at your house - but I don't think he has any right to expect you to conceal any signs of stress or concern when things are sometimes a bit difficult. People can't be forced to enjoy a stressful experience.

Agree with @ChristmasCarnage

I have a relative whose child has similar traits to 'Ben's' and he and his wife fully supervise when out. This is more comfortable for the child and for everyone else.

He actually loves coming to our house because we have two Bluetooth speakers, one in the kitchen and one in the living room, and he likes moving between them to find where the connection changes. He is always very excited to come in to ours.

We have a piano and a ukulele and he has no interest in these. Droning noises are his favourite really.

He also loves cars (real cars not toy cars) and is always very excited to sit in a new car or ideally go for a drive in it. That's been funny before when he sets off to try and get in the neighbour's car 😄 We let him sit in our car sometimes but it's not his favourite because it's a small Honda Civic and the bigger the car the better in his opinion.

I don't pretend to understand his world much at all, but I think we do know him quite well and I am fond of him. I think it's right that just having more warning would help, as they do tend to pop in unannounced. But I also know it must be very difficult for them so I don't want to start making demands back.

I tend to assume that they are well aware of all SEN paraphernalia like chewing necklaces and headphones and they don't work for Ben. I don't want to be like, hey I know you've been raising Ben for 14 years but I just heard of these special necklaces for autistic people.

Thank you everyone for all your advice. I think we need more conversation and understanding.

It sounds like it may help if you could get warning so you can prepare the house so you weren’t so stressed by visits.
People don’t really visit my house unannounced.
Could you ask for them to let you know when they are planning to visit?

I don't think they plan visits. Ben will often want to go for a drive and if SIL is driving around at the weekend and finds herself on our side of town, they just pop in on a whim. I mean she usually ahead so it's wrong of me to say unannounced but it'll be 10-15 minutes ahead. We're not always in/free but otherwise we say yes.

Calls ahead that should say.

As others have said, a heart felt apology goes a long way.

Could you have a Ben box for when he visits?
With things in that he doesn’t have at home but just a bit different. DSIL could maybe give u pointers at what might be useful if u aren’t sure. Add to it or get rid as necessary. Textures if he likes to chew. Maybe those sound buttons that you can record noises onto. Red; sound of a fancy sports car, Green; sound of trees crashing down etc etc. Keep the ones he seems to like, change the ones he doesn’t for something different ready for next time. Various textures & noisy things from a cheap shop, that you wouldn’t buy as a gift, but could be put in his box. He may leave other things alone if he knows to come find his box when he comes in. Like the speakers, something that’s only at “Aunties”

How about groan sticks? (I think that's what they're called)

I don't think there are many people who would call 10-15 minutes ahead and say they were on their way. This is a bit much, given she surely understands at this point that you and/ or your children are not thrilled to see him chewing the toy, and there are bound to be toys out if you have children.

I don't think it would be amiss of you to tell her next time she calls that half an hour would work much better for you.

I like a pp's suggestion of having items available that are ok for him to chew. Perhaps you could get a chewing necklace and leave it out to see if he would like it.

OP this sounds so difficult. You sound kind and SIL is probably struggling and lashing out.
I don’t think I could cope with the music/ noise you describe at all in my environment so you are doing well in my opinion.
The idea of a Ben box of treasures is a really good one. This is the time to be the bigger person and let SIL rant , reassure her that you love Ben and welcome him even if you find the visits hard at times.

You haven't done anything wrong. Certainly no need for an apology. The music thing would stress me out too. It sounds like you've always welcomed them, I imagine your sil is quite stressed though.

I think it's fine to say that you are sorry if it looks like you find the visits stressful but as you don't live with Ben you might not always get things right or fully understand his needs. Ask is there anything else you can do or do differently as it's important they feel comfortable in your home ?
I'm not sure it's a fair criticism, lots of people find visiting children hard to cope with and it sounds like you try to be welcoming.

Of course you pull a face.. you're not used to it happening.
The music thing would drive me mad tbh. Does he have headphones he could use. ?
How can you carry on a conveywith loud music blastic out intermittently.

i think the cat is fine, it will just run off and that’s not an issue

get some chew toys he can chew. It’s clearly a sensory thing so keep your stuff inaccessible and provide chew toys. Look on Amazon.

try to connect with the boy in one way or another in a way he relates to. Maybe you could have a more sensory routine you do when meeting him or before eating. You could turn a rain maker with him or listen to the sea in a large shell. there might be some quiet noise making baby toys which you could keep at your house for him to play with each time he’s at yours. You could pass each item to him in turn or pull them out of a lucky dip box. Buy items from charity shops if needed.

you could take a rainmaker with you when you visit their house so you can make noises together and connect.

you basically need to communicate in his language and not yours. This will help a relationship develop.

if he uses makaton then your whole family should learn some basic signs like toilet, biscuit, drink, toy, hello, goodbye.

society is not always accepting of non verbal autistic people and I can understand the parents wanting you both to connect and like him.