Is this reasonable criticism of us and how to respond?

[RedYoshi]

I've name changed because I'm aware I may get a pasting here.

SIL (DH's sister) today sent me and DH a message basically saying how she's upset that we are not welcoming to her son / our nephew - let's call him Ben.

Ben is 14 and autistic and nonverbal with high needs (sorry if I've said that wrong). He is a gentle boy and not seriously destructive but it can still be a bit stressful to have him over to visit. He likes to connect his devices to our speakers and play the first 20 seconds of songs very loudly, constantly skipping between songs. This is just what he has always enjoyed doing - it is not fun to listen to and if I'm honest it stresses me out but not a huge deal. He will also pick up small objects and chew them, which can be upsetting for our children when it's a toy that gets ruined. We do try to lock everything like that away but sometimes forget something. He does not interact with us at all. He also scares our cat (completely unintentionally - he pays the cat no actual notice - it's just the way he moves and the sounds he makes), but the cat is able to go out or find a place to hide.

This is the way Ben is and we accept this - or so I thought, but it seems SIL doesn't think that we do accept him. The trouble is that although we say yes to visits whenever we can and do what we can to accommodate him, she realises that we don't enjoy Ben's visits to our house, which being strictly honest is true. I do like to see SIL so I do like the visits overall. We are friendly and usually willing to drop everything when they drop in, but I do prefer when SIL comes without Ben.

We also visit SIL at their house, and then Ben is either in respite (he's home every other week) or playing his songs in his room. We say hi to him of course and other basic friendly stuff but of course he doesn't visibly respond in any way. We ask SIL and BIL how he's doing, which I do care about.

Am I a horrible person? Maybe I am. I know it must be very hard for SIL and I do feel shit about it and very guilty. Should we be making more effort with Ben, and if so how?

From the way you talk about Ben I think it comes across that you do like and care for him. I think that when you aren’t used to this kind of behaviour it can be unsettling and cause people to make faces unintentionally. From sil side he is her whole world and she loves him more than anyone. She gets these judgy looks when out in public so it must be hard to feel family are doing the same. I think any mum feels a deep anger when they feel their child isn’t being accepted or is hurt by someone. She is probably more aware of things because she lives this every day.

I think first step is to apologise and say that you do care for Ben and are not intentionally meaning to come across that you don’t. I think there are some great suggestions like a special box for him when he comes with things that may engage him. Though these could change regularly! There are also some educational videos aimed at children online that explain about autism and perhaps would help your children understand that he doesn’t mean to chew their toys. From experience my dd can be very understanding yet it doesn’t stop the rage when something of hers is ruined 🙈

I think you have hit the nail on the head and this is exactly what SIL is driving at. That we should be enjoying seeing Ben and spending time with him because he's part of our family, rather than just tolerating him.

It is very difficult. Her/DH's other siblings live further away and Ben never goes to their houses anymore. I know she sees the other cousins playing together (including her younger DS, who is 12 and NT) and having typical family time and it is heartbreaking that Ben just doesn't have those connections.

I'd take this as an opportunity to open up a conversation with your SIL. What would help? What's missing? How? It must be really hard for her and your nephew. Maybe there is more you can do which would mean a lot to them. I'd talk it through with her.

Just a suggestion for things that may be good if you made a wee box. The ocean drum and rainmaker are really popular on my class. Also one child like things like an electric toothbrush (for chewing and the hum) just the wee battery powered one from b and m. Also vibration snakes are good too. Things like pop tubes, groaning sticks, light toys, spinning tops are good too. You can get lots of these things really cheap in bulk because they will likely get chewed or broken!

It’s possible Ben does value the connections he experiences …. Just not what you expect. Try try to imagine being Ben, and the reactions of those around him when he has limited ability to change the way he appears to you.
He might be doing his best, and experiences your face expression or you recoiling and feels rejection, again.

YANBU OP. If he’s in respite this often, SIL finds it hard too.

SIL’s trying it on.

Inclusion doesn’t mean other people’s rights get trampled on or their stuff gets destroyed, by the way. Ben’s not the most important person in the room.

Ask her how to entertain him on visits and maybe buy a couple of toys just for him. And breathe.

It sounds like you are doing a great job in a difficult situation. I don’t think I’d cope as well as you do with the short notice visits. I don’t see SIL has any reason to criticise you. To keep the peace I’d probably say you are doing your best but happy to take her suggestions on how to make the visits better. See what she comes back with.

Except OP lives in a family and wants to make the best of a challenging situation. It’s a ‘them’/‘all of us’ problem they need to work together to solves. Some posters stepping out of the binary AIBU mindset have give n some good suggestions. And doubtless communication will be key

Given that problems with reading facial expressions and subtle cues is a common feature of communication difficulties, I am not convinced that Ben would pick up on a fleeting look of frustration. (A loud NO and a removal of some favourite item yes. A little grimace, very very unlikely.)

If the poster's house is a place where he gets to do exactly as he wants - making very loud noises, messing with appliances,putting other people's fragile stuff in his mouth - the chances are he is pretty happy. The problem is that the person whose house it is, is quite reasonably slightly miffed - mainly because her sister in law has unreasonable expectations. The sister in law wants to pitch up with little warning, not supervise hre child and for that child to receive non-stop 100% unconditional positive regard.

The sister in law does not have it easy. But she is being wholly unrealistic and in the longer term it might be worth pointing that out.

I’m a great believer in giving something with one hand, but taking something back with the other. In this instance I’d use this.

I think your SIL is BU, but you want to help.

You don’t deserve to have your house trashed and be stressed in your own home.

I’d tell her you are sorry if that’s how it has come across and you’d like some pointers on how to make him feel more included. At the same time I’d tell her it really doesn’t work for your family, being given 10-15 mins notice as you have a busy life too. I’d ask her if there are any outings you can all do as a family, and that in future if she wants to come over, you need to know at least a day in advance.

When my DC were younger I took them out to meet friends so I didn’t have to tidy up before or after.

The house does not get trashed. As I said, a lego block being chewed is usually not an issue (I think we own approximately 10 million lego blocks 😆) and 9 times out of 10 we get everything put away anyway.

I think it's a good idea to leave out some sacrificial stuff that he can chew without anyone minding. I also think a rain stick could be right up his street. Doubtful it would distract him from the joys of the Bluetooth speakers, but I think it would make a great Christmas present this year and if he likes it we could certainly get one for our house too 👍

But I'm not sure if any of this fixes the underlying issue of us 'coping' with the visits rather than welcoming them. That is something that will take a more profound change and I don't know if I can achieve it but there's been some great advice here so I will do my best.

I don’t think chewing on a Lego stick is very safe TBH.

You might get the blame if he starts choking on it.

You're probably right that it's not very safe and I wouldn't specifically leave lego out on purpose, but he has never swallowed any or choked on it and I certainly don't think we'd get the blame for it if he did.

Ben's younger brother also locks all his lego in his room but Ben has chewed a certain amount of it over the years.

Imagine the stress they go through. They haven't got a choice. Now all you have to do is accommodate Ben for a few hours, with his mother present. And its too much for you? Is this what family is? Of course she's upset. Just think about it for a minute and put the shoe on the other foot. Now answer your own question. Do you think you are a horrible person?

I think the message from SIL was perhaps just a bit of an off load from her.
She'd probably had a bad day and been struggling with her responsibilities, it must be hard for her. She's probably so used to peoples reactions to him being negative that it's all blurring into one and she's missed some of the care you've taken. You've done nothing wrong.

Could you visit him at his respite school, if they allow visits and he'd be ok with it?

You just need to let her know how much you care. I don't think you actually need to change anything. She'll know he isn't an easy house guest. Or make extra visits to hers when he is home?

Talk to SIL. Ask her what you can do. How to prepare.

Really no different from family visiting with toddler, elderly person with mobility issues, a relative with medical issues.

How can I make home easier to access. Talk to your kids about how they can interact more with a person who is ND. Doesn’t hurt for your children learn to be accepting and to communicate with ND person.

Stop focusing on the chewed lego. Start making your goal how to pull family together.

Sometime you just cope, it’s not all perfect at holidays. Everyone has a challenge (one friend had elderly relative gets urine on bathroom floor, they are ready to not embarrass her, another needs help with stairs, sitting and standing and they make sure she gets a good chair, the young adult who is too vocal about certain food choices or the politics. )
Just ask for help from SIL … or decide, your family doesn’t want to know their ND relative and let them know.

I think your SIL is being unfair. It’s clearly a very stressful situation and you are only human, you can’t help it if your stress shows a bit. Surely the point is that you find it stressful, but you never complain or criticise, and you keep inviting them- that shows that you care about them, you understand that it’s nobody’s fault, and you want to have an active relationship with them anyway.

@RedYoshi

It's hard when the autistic child isn't your child but, he's your family.

It's not hard to make adaptions to accommodate him. Yes it takes some thought but it's easy to implement.

Firstly your cat. Make sure she's in a safe room and check on her regularly when he visits. Can you use a lock and remove the key if he will actively seek her out?

Secondly you can get blue tooth headphones so when he connects his devices he'll be the only one to be disturbed by the noise.

Thirdly, get him a small basket/ box of sensory chew stuff. Label it as his. This sensory stuff he can regulate with.

Once he gets into the way of using his headphones and his own sensory regulating chew stuff it will be much easier.

Lots of autistic young people use headphones for noise cancelling so it's likely he'll be used to this. Although the ones you'll probably need are Bluetooth.

Get your sister on side to practice using the headphones and sensory chew items at her house first. Then the transition is easier.

Family first. Especially your sister because this is her life, whereas it's your occasional annoyance. If I hadn't had family support over the years I would have crumbled. It's a hard path.

@protectthesmallones perhaps I'm being harsh but shouldn't Ben's mum be providing him with bluetooth headphones and a backpack of toys/activities when visiting family if this is typical behaviour?

This is what I do with my toddler. I would expect my family to do a certain amount of toddler proofing ahead of and during visits, but I wouldn't expect them to provide very specific amenities to suit his needs.

@KeenCat if they can't afford it then yes.
But it's always safer and easier to have two sets. One in each house. It's just a nice way to show support.

I think it sounds like you are a kind person who loves your nephew, but (understandably) you also finds his visits challenging. There is no crime in that. I have a ND niece and nephew, and it can be hard to be around them, even though we love them. I know that my SIL has been very hurt over the years because people have commented on things her kids have done at other houses. She blames everyone for else for not being inclusive enough, and has really sort of alienated herself from their friends over the years because she feels that everyone is against her kids; she is hurt every time she can see that people find the kids’ behaviour off-putting. It is a hard balance to strike as a family member when the kids’ behaviour starts to affect your own children and their belongings. My kids actually used to have a quiet room to go ‘hide’ when we were together at the grandparents’ house because their cousins were so loud and destructive and sometimes aggressive.

I think the other suggestions to have a basket of things for him to do at your house are nice. Maybe your SIL has had a bad day and sent the message out of frustration at the wider situation. I don’t actually think you are in the wrong and I don’t think you should grovel in apology for having an instinctive reaction to disruptive behaviour. She might just need reassurance that you love him and that he is always welcome at your house.

I definitely agree it's nice to show support and I am very appreciative of family members who have a selection of toys and books available when we go visit, I guess I'm struggling with some of these responses which imply the onus is on OP to figure out how to create a suitable environment for Ben in her home.

As a parent of a child with high needs, shouldn't SIL be advocating for her son by supporting OP to create a suitable environment rather than berating her, especially if she's given OP no indication on how to handle some of his more challenging behaviours? I can't for a second imagine how hard life must be with an austic child, but as a parent you surely should take some ownership of how to manage those behaviours in other people's homes?

I dint know but to me you are asking the OP to decide what might be possibly helpful to her nephew, buy them and THEN double checking her sister if they are ok basically.

Surely it should be the other way around: the parent advising on what could be helpful.
What if he isn’t used to noise cancelling headphones?
What if he hates a certain type of headphones?
The OP shouldn’t be expected to know all the ins and outs as well as the parents. But seeing the reaction of the sister, I’d be worried she would take that as another sign the OP really doesn’t care ‘because she couldn’t even be bothered to buy the right headphones’.

You seem very nice and are doing your best. I imagine she is coming from a point of insecurity here, lots of SEN parents find people avoidant with their children and just want them to see how lovely they are, beyond any 'behaviours'. I'd keep it simple and say, 'Ben, and you whole family, are always welcome in our house. I'm sorry you feel this way, how can we host Ben better next time?

I wonder if she is trying to pick a fight with you. I have a high needs child (adult now) and I know a lot of other parents with similar situations and I think that a lot of people get to a point where they are so depressed about their situation that they self destruct and lash out at those around them.