Can’t Believe what I’ve done

[Frostyliss]

Morning

I have done something so bad, and I am really beating myself up over it

i’m 43, divorced and a single mum of two teenagers. Last year we moved into a new village and I have made a real effort to get to know people and make new friends. I am really into fitness and have joined a circuit training group. This is also become part of my social life.

last weekend I went on a night out with the people that I train with. There were lots of other people there who I hadn’t met, friends of friends etc at the end of the night some of them came back to my house for more drinks. The kids were staying at their dads so I didn’t have to worry about that.

The guy who runs the circuit training had a couple of friends with him. He is in his early 20s and I assumed that they were around the same age.

To cut a very long story short after a few more drinks and a lot of flirting with one of the guys who was there with the circuit trying to leader, I ended up sleeping with one of them.

This is very very out of character behaviour for me. I’m 43 and I haven’t had a one night stand since I was 20.

So here is the main issue. The guy that I slept with stayed in my bed until the morning. We were chatting the following day and I was explaining that I didn’t normally do this sort of sort of thing etc. He asked my age and complimented me. I asked his… he was 19

I literally felt my legs in go jelly like. I assumed that he was in his early 20s. I know that isn’t much older, however, it just feels different.

I feel really disgusted with myself and can’t stop thinking about what a massive mistake I have made it’s certainly won’t be happening again

I get on well with the circuit training leader and spoke to him about it last night and he told me that I was overthinking it and that I was just having some fun.

I keep thinking that people would take a very dim view of what I have done if I was a man sleeping with a 19-year-old woman

Am I overthinking this?

So what?

It was legal. It was consensual. You were both single.

Can’t see why you would have to tell other people about it though.

I’ve just taken the time to read through some of the replies on here and I actually can’t believe how vile some of them are.

A woman comes on here, after making a mistake, and she gets beaten down with offensive, ageist comments.
Would I sleep with a younger man? No, no I wouldn’t, but that’s just me. If they’re an adult and consenting then op has nothing to be ashamed of, I’m suspecting a lot of jealousy from women who wouldn’t stand the chance of pulling a younger man

Not sure I believe this, but if it’s true, that’s really grim OP. He has only just become an adult and you are old enough to be his mum. Your children aren’t much younger than him. I agree that you do sound like you’re loving the attention, why talk to your trainer about it? 🙄🙄🙄

There's opinions on both sides of the argument on this thread, you have no idea what the people supporting OP would post about a man saying the same thingg

Is it a bit grim? Yes of course. Would I do it myself? No. Do I believe that a 19yo could pass for much more than 21? No

But 19 is old enough to consent, he presumably knew OP was 40ish and there's no ongoing power dynamic like a long term relationship. OP hasn't gone out of her way to find younger, vunerable men. Hes not been harmed in anyway by shagging OP

Could be acting in bad faith. Or could have namechanged due to embarrassment.

I bet he isn't traumatised.

Seems like he was perfectly happy with the encounter, isn't now trying to woo you...it was what it was.

Did you spike his drink? Tell him lies to get him into bed? No.

I completely understand your feelings and they come from a really good and responsible place but you've not done anything wrong.

The difference with the gender swap is that older men groom, lie to, pressurise then try to control younger women. It's not the age gap that's the issue, it's the predatory behaviour.

That doesn't apply here.

I understand you wouldn't want to repeat this but lighten up on yourself. You're not a criminal, pervert, manipulator or any other bad word!!

Also I don't think a 40yo man finding a 19yo attractive is a pervert. A 19yo is an adult, its not immoral to be attracted to that. But the lack of common ground and similar life stage should wane that attraction long term. A 40yr old who only pursues younger people is probably predatory, and a 40yo who pursues longterm relationships with much younger people again is probably predatory. But a one off one night stand?

Usually on threads where the husband fancies a young, attractive work colleague most people just think it's a bit embarrassing.

Hmmm you'd be happy with a 43 year old man shagging your 19 year old daughter? Or does abuse only work one way?

@Zebedee999 how do you define two consenting adults having sex as abuse - please explain? At what age in adulthood is an adult capable of sexual consent?

I mean she thought he was early twenties. it was a one off and not involving any coercive behaviour.

it’s not about ‘cool girl’ replies, it’s accepting that we all make mistakes and not automatically demonising someone with all this disapproval and fake outrage.

Why is it different?

Okay, many women on MN hate men. For those women it's any excuse to blame men/ they see men as in the wrong regardless.

I have read the FULL thread. What difference does that make? Yes, many posters are disgusted but most are cheering her on. Just like they would cheer on a 43 old man for having sex with a fully consenting 19 year old woman ... Oh no, except that they wouldn't...

Hmmm you'd be happy with a 43 year old man shagging your 19 year old daughter? Or does abuse only work one way?

It's not your business who your 19 year old daughter or son consentually shags.

Hands up everybody who hates men. Oh look tumbleweed. We have fathers, brothers and sons, some of whom we actually like.

‘Cool girl replies’ 😂 because they’re different to your, outdated sexiest opinion, of an older woman being ‘grim and sleazy’ Saying your nephew and friends are like overgrown children, so are therefore unable to make their own decisions, would the same be said of a 19 year old women, being too immature to have a sexual relationship, this is the real point.It’s deemed ok for men to sleep with females young enough to be their daughters, but if he women has a consensual relationship with a younger ADULT she’s 'Grim and sleazy’ It just smacks hypocrisy.

I’d be concerned if my just adult children were having sex with much older people. It shows a lack of boundaries and could mean they are at risk of coercion, abuse etc due to the age difference, power imbalance etc. Thankfully a lot young adults seem to have strong views about age gap relationships where one is very young, much more so than when I was younger.

I’m mid 40s and when I was a teen/young adult, it was quite common for people, especially girls, to be dating or shagging much older men. I think my generation now realise how harmful this often was and recognise it for what it was, which has that has thankfully made a lot of the next generation think very differently.

My son is 21 and thinks shagging older people is weird. His group dates their own age within a year or two. The people he knows who have shagged/dated much older people are vulnerable and don’t have good boundaries and the men lack respect for women, one even seen it as some sort of badge of honour, but a joke, to have shagged a 50 year old. These aren’t the sort of people my son would be interested in having as friends. I can only imagine his embarrassment if I was shagging men his age.

It IS different, IMO. She hasn't gone out of her way to only date men half her age like sleazy 40-something year old men do - she's had a fully consensual one night stand with somebody who was comfortable enough with her that he was in no rush to leave.

The facts that she's mortified to have learnt of his age, isn't being cheered on by her peers as being a "stud who can still pull em young" and isn't exactly going to go and find another 19 year old to do the same again with, all ring the differences between her and a sleezy person.

If a 40 something year old man went to a forum of his peers (which is NOT the same as him posting on Mumsnet) and said effectively what she has said, 1) the responses would be celebrating him and telling him to celebrate not worry, and 2) It's not the same as the same man boasting to his peers that he managed to pull a 19 year old. THAT is sleezy.

Embarrassed? She’s told her trainer and now she’s made a thread about it. Attention seeking drama llama more like.

Do you often struggle with reading?

How is it sexist to be repulsed by an older woman OR man (as stated in the post you quoted) sleeping with a much younger person?

Thankfully yours is the opinion that seems to becoming outdated. Many of us saw how damaging this behaviour was to the younger person in the relationship/ons, and wouldn't repeat that.

19/20 year olds should be sleeping with people their own age. But it is the older man or woman I'd expect to know better, and not be a sleazy skankbag.

Nobody is cheering the OP on as in encouraging her to do it again. It's more a case of 'No damage done just move on with your life'. After all, it happened and there's nothing she can do to change that now.

Come on now, there’s a lot of misandry on here. Men are given the benefit of the doubt much less often than women in most situations.

I’ve never heard of a 43YO man saying he feels guilty for fucking a 19YO girl.
You have done something that many of the people here can only dream of. (They will of course deny it. )
😉😁😁😁.

Yeah I agree
I have no issue with whey the Op has done but you can guarantee if the sex,s were reversed you would all sorts of nonsense comments about grooming g etc.

My son is 21 and thinks shagging older people is weird. His group dates their own age within a year or two

I work with young adults, mainly male.

They might date their own age within a year or two but that doesn’t stop them sending anonymous messages to women old enough to be their mothers suggesting meeting up for sex. Some get quite obsessed.

Ah just channel one of the menz. Can't imagine any losing sleep over it. The fact you wouldn't repeat it proves you're not a sleazy creep. Do not fret over it.

Was he any good OP?