Can’t Believe what I’ve done

[Frostyliss]

Morning

I have done something so bad, and I am really beating myself up over it

i’m 43, divorced and a single mum of two teenagers. Last year we moved into a new village and I have made a real effort to get to know people and make new friends. I am really into fitness and have joined a circuit training group. This is also become part of my social life.

last weekend I went on a night out with the people that I train with. There were lots of other people there who I hadn’t met, friends of friends etc at the end of the night some of them came back to my house for more drinks. The kids were staying at their dads so I didn’t have to worry about that.

The guy who runs the circuit training had a couple of friends with him. He is in his early 20s and I assumed that they were around the same age.

To cut a very long story short after a few more drinks and a lot of flirting with one of the guys who was there with the circuit trying to leader, I ended up sleeping with one of them.

This is very very out of character behaviour for me. I’m 43 and I haven’t had a one night stand since I was 20.

So here is the main issue. The guy that I slept with stayed in my bed until the morning. We were chatting the following day and I was explaining that I didn’t normally do this sort of sort of thing etc. He asked my age and complimented me. I asked his… he was 19

I literally felt my legs in go jelly like. I assumed that he was in his early 20s. I know that isn’t much older, however, it just feels different.

I feel really disgusted with myself and can’t stop thinking about what a massive mistake I have made it’s certainly won’t be happening again

I get on well with the circuit training leader and spoke to him about it last night and he told me that I was overthinking it and that I was just having some fun.

I keep thinking that people would take a very dim view of what I have done if I was a man sleeping with a 19-year-old woman

Am I overthinking this?

Yeah, the story is a bit strange.

I remember reading on Reddit than men come here and post things to try to show the double standards and how terrible women are. 🙄

As for the “sex positive” rubbish, just grim.

OP I honestly think you're getting a lot of the ew gross comments because parents nowadays treat their offspring like ickle babas till they're at least 25

This.

The comments I'm finding 'gross' are actually the people saying they'd be angry if the 19-year-old had been their son, like it's somehow normal for a mother to be intervening in (or even aware of) their adult child's sex life. All those talking about their sons, like they should even know where these grown adult men are dipping their wicks on a night out, are the creepy ones here.

There are a couple of things going on here. For me I have rarely had a one night stand, but when I have it feels really awkward on all parts afterwards and I do not feel right about what I have done. Rationally though there is nothing wrong with a one night stand so long as you both consented and I hope the sex was good? As for him being much younger this depends on the circumstances, did you exploit him in anyway? Did you use your experience to entrap him? If not then I do not see a problem really. I am not sure personally I would repeat it, but otherwise sounds like an enhancing life experience.

I think decent people, women and men, see both as embarrassing, weird and wrong.

As long as there is no abuse of position, why is consensual sex between two adults weird and wrong ?

“Decent” ?

This made me laugh. I was also thinking the same like how did that conversation even happen?!

If you can’t work that out and don’t see the problems, I’m guessing me explaining won’t help. For decent people, it’s obvious.

Yep. Decent.

A work colleague got really drunk at a Christmas night out. She went back to a hotel room with a guy she didn't know. Let's just say the guy was not the only one in the room. She ended up drunkenly consenting to having sex with 2 of them, one of them a work colleague. She couldn't face him & didnt return to her job. The guy actually recorded her saying yes before it happened. Talk about consequences. The OP can be thankful it was just one.

Excuse me? I'm perfectly decent, thanks.

You're both consenting adults, who presumably both gave enthusiastic consent to have sex together, what you do with your bodies is your own business. It would be a bit weird someone in their 40s having a long term emotional relationship with a 19 year old but sex is just sex.

To people who don't believe she can have thought he was in his twenties - have you seen Luke Littler? That boy is literally still only 17 years old and could pass for someone late twenties easily.

But there is a clear double standard going on here. If the sexes were reversed, the 43 year old man would be vilified as a disgusting pervert. Because it's an older female, the comments are mostly supportive.

It's totally not. Just the mumsnet moral police out in force again.

My neighbour is 40 and seeing a 18 year old. I find it a bit strange for sure but at the end of the day it's not illegal, they are both consenting and seem to enjoy each other's company (we see them out and about now and again) so it's fuck all to do with me!

I try to live my life with the stance of if its not illegal, noone is getting hurt and it isn't impacting my life in anyway then it's nothing to do with me and people should just live their lives however they want.

OP I would just try to forget about this and remind yourself you didn't do anything wrong and can't change it now anyway so there is 0 benefit to you giving this anymore thought.

I'm honestly gobsmacked by some of the comments on here. How is it weird or disgusting for two consenting adults to have consensual sex? Why is age relevant if they are both adults?

As for people saying that they'd be disturbed if their adult son or daughter was having sex with an older person - why? Are older people off limits in some way or another? What exactly is it about an older person having sex with a younger person that is so disturbing or unwelcome to posters on here? Is it like some weird prudish taboo?

I wouldn't have an issue with a 43 year old man having consensual sex with a 19 year old woman or a 19 year old man for that matter either. They are all ADULTS! We are hopefully all raising children to be adults who can understand what they are doing, because they are adults and responsible for themselves and their actions. Where do people on here who are repelled think that adulthood should start, if it doesn't start at 18?

There is so much to be worried about in today's society, but I really don't see a one night fling between two consenting adults being one of those things.

I don't get the age thing. Even if it was an older guy with a 19 year old woman so what. As long as there is full consent that is all that matters. Bit embarrassing if he talks to his mates about it but if he does that won't last long, there will be new gossip. I really think good for you!

I’d be a bit shocked with myself too if I’d ended up shagging someone that young so I can understand why you’re feeling that way.

I’ve got a 19yr old son and his sex life is none of my business. If you are both consenting adults then I don’t see problem!

In my experience people who are genuinely mortified about this sort of thing are generally not predators, I have a friend who got herself into a similar situation and kept apologising to me because I am a survivor of CSA. Try to let yourself off the hook. Try to forget about it.

By the way, your circuit training must be paying off if he thought you were much younger. I'm kind of passed it now, but when I was your age and also looked much younger, I would always ask younger men who were attracted to me their age because I hated the thought of sleeping with someone so young. So, perhaps that's something to think about moving forward.

Over thinking!

man takes advantage of vulnerable drunk woman who's new in town

and she's the one who's done wrong?

what else? teenager shoplits, that's ok because the shop owner was 43?

I see the men from the sex board have arrived, any mention of sex and they’re here.

They never miss an opportunity.

At least you recognise it’s wrong OP as you feel disgusted. Work on yourself so you make choices you don’t regret in future.

Isn't that the fault of the gossip?

I don’t think the poster was denying there are clearly double standards with some posters, although a lot are rightfully finding what OP has done as wrong, more that the poster was doubting the whole tale and OPs intentions in posting this story.

Remember the episode of Friends when Monica found out she was dating a high school student who had lied about his age? Honestly don't worry about it, it was consensual, he is a legal adult, no need to feel so bad about it. There are far far worse things.

Feel sorry for you…. (And your poor partner if you have one).

Sex isn’t anything to be afraid of you know?