Can’t Believe what I’ve done

[Frostyliss]

Morning

I have done something so bad, and I am really beating myself up over it

i’m 43, divorced and a single mum of two teenagers. Last year we moved into a new village and I have made a real effort to get to know people and make new friends. I am really into fitness and have joined a circuit training group. This is also become part of my social life.

last weekend I went on a night out with the people that I train with. There were lots of other people there who I hadn’t met, friends of friends etc at the end of the night some of them came back to my house for more drinks. The kids were staying at their dads so I didn’t have to worry about that.

The guy who runs the circuit training had a couple of friends with him. He is in his early 20s and I assumed that they were around the same age.

To cut a very long story short after a few more drinks and a lot of flirting with one of the guys who was there with the circuit trying to leader, I ended up sleeping with one of them.

This is very very out of character behaviour for me. I’m 43 and I haven’t had a one night stand since I was 20.

So here is the main issue. The guy that I slept with stayed in my bed until the morning. We were chatting the following day and I was explaining that I didn’t normally do this sort of sort of thing etc. He asked my age and complimented me. I asked his… he was 19

I literally felt my legs in go jelly like. I assumed that he was in his early 20s. I know that isn’t much older, however, it just feels different.

I feel really disgusted with myself and can’t stop thinking about what a massive mistake I have made it’s certainly won’t be happening again

I get on well with the circuit training leader and spoke to him about it last night and he told me that I was overthinking it and that I was just having some fun.

I keep thinking that people would take a very dim view of what I have done if I was a man sleeping with a 19-year-old woman

Am I overthinking this?

Don’t worry about it ! I thought it was going to be that you’d murdered someone or something 🤣

Yes. If this is real, OP is an attention seeker. Flirting with much younger men, sleeping with them, telling the trainer and writing on here, it screams ‘I love attention’ and IF it’s true, she needs therapy.

It is for "decent" people apparently. 😂

I am of the 'It's done now, nevermind, not a lot you can do' camp.

Although I would definitely feel the same if I slept with someone so much younger (I am a lesbian so slightly different).

I don't think It's QUITE the same as the other way around. Women are much more vulnerable than men in so many ways.

43 year old drunk women are also vulnerable

19 year olds are also men

Ha! Your child & their child could be half siblings. Mumsnet is like EastEnders but funny.

As a therapist, I think this is unfair. She's feeling accountable for her actions and is asking for advice. She's trying to limit any damage but having never been in this situation before, is not sure how to do it.

And people don't necessarily need therapy just because they do something they're not proud of once, or are confused about a situation.

There is no need to add to her worries with that additional comment.

They would not be different from me if the sexes were reversed. And I am not a man.

Eh. Everyone makes mistakes, don’t worry about it. I hope you had a good time!

You can think it’s unfair, but it’s how it looks. The thread is just more attention seeking.

Eh he’s over the age of consent. I hope you use protection though??

Since when, has a 43 year old man, been told having a consensual sexual relationship with a 19 year old women is wrong and taking advantage.Men have been having sexual relationships with females young enough to be their daughters for centuries.So much hypocrisy, but then again it is MN

Alcohol is the devil. This is why I dont drink any more.

The next few months? This sort of thing often doesn't go away - ever.

Sorry OP, I'm not saying this to upset you but I am old and have observed life as well as making hellish mistakes.

Brazen it out is my advice. See it as a score maybe?

Grim and sleazy.

To be honest given your age it would have been no better if he was in his early twenties.

For the obvious 'cool girl' replies:

Yes, it is legal. Yes, I feel exactly the same about men in their 40's 'accidentally' sleeping with a barely legal teenager.

My nephew and his friends are 19. Despite being sensible, they seem little more than overgrown children, such little real life experience compared to my own (and I'm mid thirties).

@Oldseagull out of interest what age do you think adults are capable of making a sexually informed choice? If not 19, at what age?

I don't think it's a problem, and surely it is also flattering that a 19-year old wanted to go to bed with you.

Don't worry about it, just move on.

There is absolutely no point in fretting about it because fret how you may you can't undo it.

However, you invited a couple of men who are in their early twenties back to your house for drinks, as well as one who was 19.

I imagine there will be some talk about this and this is something you can try to do something about.

Think about what you will say if someone brings it up to you or if one of your children askes you about it. Don't be caught on the hop.

Of course, it is most likely that no-one will say anything to your face and, in that case, I would advise you to say nothing either.

You have already made a mistake by discussing it with the circuit leader- a young man in his twenties. That was foolish.

So, in order to avoid any more silly mistakes-sit down and work out what responses you will make if anyone does bring it up. Sadly, by telling another young man all about it -you have negated the possibility of just denying it-should you have wanted that option.

So, don't bring it up with anyone else and don't bring a group of young men back to your house for drinks again,

First time poster, OP and run

Be careful about sharing your own stories... age gaps are a known topic of interest for some people 🙄

Why would you feel sorry for someone for having boundaries? Why would having those mean someone is afraid of sex? This just sounds like the men calling women frigid or prudes because they wouldn’t go along with what they wanted. Take a look at what makes you say these things when you have no idea of what that poster thinks about sex in general, just that she has boundaries with big age gaps when one is very young, which is very common.

And this.

Honey, you’re 43 and you pulled a 19 year old!! Wear it with pride-not shame!
Good for you!

TBH, I’d imagine that the 19 year old is probably grossed out anyway. In the broad light of day I can’t imagine his seeing a 43 year old woman, old enough to be his mother as anything but a grim sex partner.

This is a disgustingly ageist, misogynistic post.

Women over 35 aren't such vile hags that younger men will be traumatised by any sexual contact. Far from it.

Macron doesn't seem to mind. Not that I condone the circumstances of how that one begun, but if he'd been 19 when they met I wouldn't give it a second thought.

@Sazzle247 why is it a unnecessary worry. They had drunken sex, pregnancy is possible although likelihood is dependent on if and what contraception was used. Women in their 40s have a high number of abortions and suprise pregnancy s particularly if they don't think they need to worry about it anymore.

As for her children running in the same circles, she says they are teens, a 13/14 year old won't be in the same circles but a 17/16 might be particularly if they go to the gym. So if that is the case she might want to give them a heads up