How to respond to this message from 'friend'

[Funkyslippers]

Last year I had a big birthday. My oldest friend of 30+ years pretty much ignored it. No card, no present, made no effort to come & see me even though I made every effort for her big birthday the year before. So I have taken a massive step back (ie made no effort for last year's or this year's birthday or Christmas last year, haven't seen her in over a year though we message occasionally). I wasn't able to tell her the reason she pissed me off as she was ill just after my birthday last year & I didn't feel it was appropriate. Anyway just had a text from her to say "hope you're OK. Just to say I'm not doing Christmas for friends this year". Obviously I wouldn't expect anything from her as I don't plan to see her. I feel like replying "well you started the tradition on my birthday last year". Can anyone come up with something more grown up? Or jusy not respond at all?

No money worries

I can't believe you'd drop such a long standing friend over something so petty.

She's better off without you OP

If you don’t want to try repairing the relationship maybe say ‘ok noted, have a lovely Christmas’
If you do, invite her for coffee and ask her. If you’ve known her 30 years It should be pretty easy. Ask about her and see what’s going on in her life. If it’s nothing other than her being distant then you know to walk away.

Yes do a thumbs up emoji and nothing else

I had an issue with a very good friend I’d known for over 20 years a few years ago. Something happened and I was very hurt by it and I stopped seeing / texting etc. A year later I bumped into her…. We were civil and that was it. Then I got home I decided to text her about what had happened… so glad I did. It turned out it was a huge misunderstanding, a third party had lied about something. We spent a while getting to the bottom of it all, but so glad we did and we’re really good friends again now.
Mentioning as I think if she was a good friend maybe it’s worth a call? 30 years is a long time.….. she might be hurting about this too

had a message from my sister two years ago saying wasnt doing cards or calendars as postage was expensive up set me but last year lost my other sister and dont hear from her since that .so think just best to let it go sometimes things just change with people

If she was ill just after your birthday, might she actually have been ill in the run-up to your birthday?

I wouldn’t reply with something unpleasant. I can understand that you feel hurt, but when you say she was ill just after your birthday and contact has been limited since then, then possibly her illness has something to do with the limited contact? Is there any way that you can reach out to her to try to get to the bottom of things - 30 years of good friendship seems a shame to lose.

Maybe she thinks all the big birthday celebrations have got out of hand and was trying to ease off? I think we’re of different generations but my friends and I don’t really do card/presents, a message is all I would expect, and going out for a meal/drinks if we’re local to each other. We’d pay for ourselves.

I think it's sad that your friendship was dependant on her buying you gifts, you're not really her friend if you're willing to throw away a 30 year friendship because she didn't buy you a gift and make a fuss of a 'big' birthday.

I was wondering this, too

OP I’ve had something similar happen with a friend who decided after years and years of doing birthday gifts that she was stopping. No telling me why just stopped. All fine yet I’m in the wrong when I didn’t give on hers.

It was however the last in a long line of things and just the final nail for the friendship.

has she done anything like this before? If you want to keep the friendship I’d just reply with something like noted, understood, no problem and leave it at that.

I wouldn’t respond with anything negative.

I wouldn’t even waste my time replying, that’s not a friend is it, no time for that crap

So your friend was ill and you are behaving like this because she didn't mark your birthday whilst she was ill? From her perspective she was ill and since then her friend has withdrawn friendship and never been adult enough to explain why. I'm wondering how old you are because this sounds very childish.

So she was ill, and didn’t get in touch on your birthday, maybe she was not in a good place
how I’ll for how long ?

Yes.

Seeing as you are thinking of ending the friendship anyway, you may as well tell her that you were upset that she didn't reciprocate the effort you made for her 50th. See what she comes back with.

I’ve had similar with a friend for over 30years too, we were honestly like sisters. We have now reached an all time low (not on my part) of me not even getting a Christmas card or a Christmas text last year. Without any advance warning. And for my milestone birthday not even a card.

your friendship is going through the same things at the same ages, I have no advice but can offer solidarity. As at least we can realise it’s not just us suddenly being treated so badly.

is your friend also still seeing you? Mine wasn’t then weirdly had to meet up with me when I went home for a long weekend with my partner. Arrived middle of afternoon instead of first thing, apple about her life for three hours then abruptly left. I’ve not heard from her since, that was four months ago.

my advice would be however sad you are feeling don’t let on. Just say ok or no problem and post her a Christmas card. Then take it from there.

In my case I’m not sending a Christmas card to my friend this year unless she contacts me.

I agree with this. Was just reading through the thread wondering what was wrong with her after the birthday and if it could have been ongoing in the run up to it. But also that it’s such a shame that she was such a close friend and you didn’t feel like you could tell her how you felt about your birthday, even when the illness had passed. Maybe there’s a reason you’re not aware of.

I'd ignore it personally and assume the friendship had run its course. Lots may have gone on- ill health, financial problems etc but too much water will have flown under the bridge and unless one of you starts reaching out it's probably too late.

I think yabu to end this friendship of 30 years over a missed birthday, however big.
I've got 20 years on you and trust me the thing I value most are the friendships I have kept. Having friends that remember you as a fearless teen or laughing in your 20s is priceless. Among them there are those that we've been closer to at points, that's life. But holding on to them is the thing.

If this situation is bothering you just take it out of your chest and talk to her (if you intend to recover this friendship) if not, just ignore it and assume this is a forever lost friendship.

Just give her the 👍 emoji