How to respond to this message from 'friend'

[Funkyslippers]

Last year I had a big birthday. My oldest friend of 30+ years pretty much ignored it. No card, no present, made no effort to come & see me even though I made every effort for her big birthday the year before. So I have taken a massive step back (ie made no effort for last year's or this year's birthday or Christmas last year, haven't seen her in over a year though we message occasionally). I wasn't able to tell her the reason she pissed me off as she was ill just after my birthday last year & I didn't feel it was appropriate. Anyway just had a text from her to say "hope you're OK. Just to say I'm not doing Christmas for friends this year". Obviously I wouldn't expect anything from her as I don't plan to see her. I feel like replying "well you started the tradition on my birthday last year". Can anyone come up with something more grown up? Or jusy not respond at all?

This is good

or say nothing
really depends the response you are looking for OP if any .

I’ve some very long term friends and we’ve all blown hot and cold for a wide variety of reasons over 40 years. If you love and value this person, just wait it out and see what happens, hard as that may feel currently.

Think you need to get a grip, you sound like a petulant child going on about your big birthday. Some years my friends and I will get the other a small gift, other years it’s just a text. Who cares?

No response at all. Dignified silence. Not worth your time or energy.

She wasn't ill before or around my birthday. She asked when I was free to get together

I wondered that too. I'd give her the benefit of the doubt.

I ended it with a good friend after she failed to get in touch with me when I was going through a divorce. I could have forgiven her for that, multiple valid reasons for her possible, but what I couldn't forgive was the abuse I got from her when I said I couldn't afford to go to her destination wedding. At the time I didn't even know if I'd be able to afford to keep my home. That was it for me. Sometimes friends grow apart and your values aren't compatible. I'd just ignore the message, your suggestion just sounds like a dig and it'll likely cause an argument.

Reply “who dis?”

HRTFT but have read all OP's responses.

It does seem as though you're skirting around her illness a bit @Funkyslippers . What was it? The fact you mention it as a reason you didn't raise how you felt about her not sending a card/gift suggests it's something more serious than just a cold.

@Funkyslippers

id reply and say -
no problem, kind of thought you were done with birthdays and xmases after my 50th

and leave it at that. You’d think after 30 years, you’d be able to talk through any issues if nothing major has happened?

Call her and ask?

I'd rather everyone forget my birthday, it's just another day and doesn't mean much to me other than to remind me I'm getting older. I've felt this way ever since I turned 30 (am now mid 50s). It's always lovely to get a text or a call from old friends, but I often forget their birthdays and they mine. We just enjoy catching up occasionally, when we can.

I would never write off a friendship over something as trivial as a birthday (especially since your friend actually did wish you a happy birthday!).

@Lalalalalalalalalalaoohoohwee "I ended it with a good friend after she failed to get in touch with me when I was going through a divorce. I could have forgiven her for that, multiple valid reasons for her possible, but what I couldn't forgive was the abuse I got from her when I said I couldn't afford to go to her destination wedding"

I'm confused-are you saying that this is similar to the OP's situation?

You said she was ill just after your birthday - are you sure she wasn’t ill leading up to it and maybe that’s a reason she didn’t respond ? If she’s messaging to say she’s not doing Christmas for friends this year that suggests financial reasons. Are you sure the illness wasn’t serious or that there’s not something you’re unaware of ? I’d maybe message asking if she’s OK and that not doing presents is fine.

I have replied several times about the illness. She messaged me the week leading up to my birthday asking when I was free. I told her when. She then said "OK I'll see you soon". Did not say if she was free on the day I suggested. If she'd been poorly then she would have said. It was 2 months before she made contact again, a general how are you type message. I asked her how she was & that's when she said she wasn't feeling too good. It was a new thing that had started a few days before. She was at home & I visited her. No mention of my birthday but I felt it was inappropriate to bring it up

I think it depends on how much you want the friendship to continue. If you're really not bothered then just leave it and don't reply but if she's been a close friend for years then I would put the birthday issue behind you, forgive and forget. You never know what's going on in other people's lives so she may have had something happening at the time that you weren't aware of. Perhaps she's also thinking that as she didn't do the usual celebrations for your birthday you would notice and ask her if everything was ok. You didn't so maybe she feels a bit resentful towards you too. After all you could have pushed a bit when she never came back to you about the date you mentioned you were free - I would have asked if that date suited and if not offered more.
I can understand that it is hurtful, however, to have no explanation from her but if you're true friends and you want the friendship to continue, overlook it and move on. Be kind

cant you reach out to her?
you seem a bit self absorbed and unforgiving.

Op, i have read all your updates.
I get your upset. And I wouldn't be surprised that your friend is also upset with you.
There is some miscommunication here.

Something must have happened around your birthday time that made her unable carry on the usual tradition you both have of celebrating each other at special occasions.

For some reason, she did not tell you what it was, expecting you will ask why/what's happening/is everything okay etc and you haven't raised the matter that you are upset with her. Both of you are kind of disappointed with each other and are pulling back.

This is a 30 year old friendship and a good one too. It deserves a sit down honest chat.

But you say you aren't missing like you would if it were other friendships. So maybe you don't really want the friendship anymore.

Sad though that what could be a minor misunderstanding would end a good longstanding friendship.

Absolutely. Physical illness is not the only thing that could be affecting a woman in her early 50s. (Or anyone!) She didn't behave well by doing less for your birthday than you did for hers. It seems like this is enough to lose the friendship over for you though, it wouldn't be for me.

What sort of illness did she have . Because I love gifting but became Ill and it effected my memory my ability to order stuff to even look at birthdays .
sometimes I thought my husband had done gifts etc but then I would find out he hadn't about a year later and I’m mortified.
one thing I did do was sleep loads so the days morph into one and although a phone fanatic I couldn’t use my phone much and definitely couldn’t pay I kept getting digits wrong etc

As someone said earlier, the illness is a red herring. It happened 2 months after my birthday. I know that she was fine around my birthday

It's not a red herring. If it was something like a cold, it has nothing to do with the rest of your story, if it was something more serious it could have been festering for a few months before she was diagnosed which could have impacted how she felt around the time of your birthday.

I'm not surprised you're confused, you've picked out a small part of my comment and presented it as totally out of context.

op dont cut your nose off to spite your face
why is this worth losing a friendship of 30 years for?

I’m not exactly sure what you want on here @Funkyslippers . You don’t seem to want to reach out and ask the obvious question - why she ghosted you around the time of your birthday. Neither of you are being open and honest about what the real problem is here (like a PP suggested, could someone else have been stirring the pot, or a misconstrued comment has caused issue?)
Only she has the answer to that!

It was a heavy cold that she couldn't shake. No symptoms around my birthday. She would have told me if she was ill around then