How to respond to this message from 'friend'

[Funkyslippers]

Last year I had a big birthday. My oldest friend of 30+ years pretty much ignored it. No card, no present, made no effort to come & see me even though I made every effort for her big birthday the year before. So I have taken a massive step back (ie made no effort for last year's or this year's birthday or Christmas last year, haven't seen her in over a year though we message occasionally). I wasn't able to tell her the reason she pissed me off as she was ill just after my birthday last year & I didn't feel it was appropriate. Anyway just had a text from her to say "hope you're OK. Just to say I'm not doing Christmas for friends this year". Obviously I wouldn't expect anything from her as I don't plan to see her. I feel like replying "well you started the tradition on my birthday last year". Can anyone come up with something more grown up? Or jusy not respond at all?

But it was a big birthday, plus we'd always done birthday presents before. Other friends made an effort which I really appreciated

But that’s not about you and what you did for her birthday. That would be treating the friendship in a very transactional basis.

It’s the fact an old friend behaved in a surprising way, one that is unexpected (hence you expected to meet up at some point). and instead of wondering what’s going on, if she is ok etc… you took it very personally and stop messaging her.

'You weren't on my list this year anyway.'
Followed by blocking.
Sounds petty but some folk are just not worth it.

Thank you. That sums it up

This...

Sounds to me a bit like she didn't realise she missed your bday, whether because of ill health or whatever - stuff happens :) - but sounds more like an accidental oversight rather than an intentional act

I'd never cut off a friend because they'd forgot my birthday - although that's probably because I do it a lot myself - not good with that kind of stuff - but genunie friendship is about a lot more than whether or not they remember something like that..... 😀

Not if you are badly ill.
The OP is nicely skirting around the issue too.

But many illnesses dint just stop one day and end up 1 week later.
You might feel unwell and under the weather for months before having a diagnosis. And then not get better again for a long time.

And yet still not tell most people how awful you feel. Because very few people actually want to know.

@Funkyslippers I don't expect presents from anyone and certainly haven't thought about buying presents for friends for years.

See I would suspect she is pulling away from everyone and having some form of breakdown or mental health crisis. It is an odd message to send and as though she is getting in front of requests from friends around Christmas by sending this message to them. I doubt you are the only person to receive it.

When something like this happens, someone pulls away - we all have a tendency to take it personally. In my experience it rarely is - more commonly their 'life' is overwhelming for some reason and it takes all of their effort to get up, put one foot in front of the other and get through the day, rinse and repeat. I have been in that place myself.

The friendship is obviously over in your eyes so I wouldn’t worry too much about responding.

Wow, you are a bit of a painful friend to have. Yes, that is all I would expect.

@Funkyslippers "So all you'd expect from a close friend on your special birthday is a message? No gift, card, visit? Wow"

It would depend on the friend. But if it was the sort of friend I'd expect more from, I would be worried and assume something was wrong, rather than go into a huff about it.

Do you have any mutual friends or acquaintances who could tell you if she's also been distant with them?

Op has also said she's not one of her closest friends

I wouldn't make a big deal of it, certainly not with petty childish remarks. If she was ill just after your birthday perhaps she wasn't fully well beforehand.

If this is someone you cared about in the past I would respect her, and your history together, even if you plan to let things fizzle out.

I would reply "All good here thanks. That suits me, was thinking of doing the same. Have a lovely Christmas" then leave it with her.

You are clearly quite a materialistic and transactional person. Why didn't you just follow up the message shortly after saying I'll see you soon. But if you are not fussed about the friendship then why get worked up about the Xmas presents.

Her message feels passive aggressive and trying to goad you into a response.

So I wouldn't give her what she wants and just ignore it and don't reach out. Will annoy the life out of her

Two people I thought were friends this year a) forgot my birthday and b) said they were too busy to bother. I felt really upset at this to the extent that I have blocked both of them and have no wish to have anything to do with them again. Looking back, the quality of the friendship must have been very thin as I have not missed them one jot. What does that say about me and my two ex friends? I honestly had nothing in common with them and conversation was all about them. I am happier on my own.

You're skirting round this thread as I've already said shecwasnt seriously ill. It happened 2 months after my birthday anyway, not before

So on the basis of the OP feeling upset about her birthday being ignored, you've arrived at the conclusions she is materialistic and transactional.
Really?

If someone [the friend] says 'see you soon' in reply to OP's message, the ball is in that person's court.

If you actually cared about her why on Earth couldn't you message something sincere, like "to be honest it hurt my feelings when you didn't make an effort for my birthday last year"

I’m petty so I’d be tempted with “no worries, the gift buying has gotten out of control - I’m cutting back to only close friends and family this year” or “sorry to hear you’re struggling with the COL crisis”… in reality I’d probably just ignore her message - it will leave her wondering and the reality is that there is nothing that needs a response in her message.

I feel like people are getting distracted with this mystery illness - there’s a rather large difference between stage 4 breast cancer vs shingles vs Covid vs broken leg. In my eyes, only the cancer diagnosis would justify ignoring my milestone birthday when our friendship norms say that they are acknowledged and celebrated.

I wouldn’t expect anything from friends on any birthdays apart from maybe a happy birthday message! I’d expect presents etc from family/husband.
If I was doing a get together of some sort like a dinner that’s a bit different.

I can see why its hurtful.

But it is a 30 year friendship and maybe being ill ( two months after your birthday, but still) perhaps she's been really run down, or depressed.

It's tempting to consider her text as an attempt at a rebuff. But ultimately you just don't know what's going on with her since she's been low contact.

Im nosy so I'd be tempted to ask her... I don't hear from you much these days. You ignored my milestone birthday.... are you unwell or is there something going on? And see what she says. Then you can make your decision with the full facts.

Can I ask a silly question?
Why can't you talk to her and say how you feel and ask her what's wrong?
You say she was a good friend for years? Surely the first thing to do is say how you feel and ask what's wrong?