How to respond to this message from 'friend'

[Funkyslippers]

Last year I had a big birthday. My oldest friend of 30+ years pretty much ignored it. No card, no present, made no effort to come & see me even though I made every effort for her big birthday the year before. So I have taken a massive step back (ie made no effort for last year's or this year's birthday or Christmas last year, haven't seen her in over a year though we message occasionally). I wasn't able to tell her the reason she pissed me off as she was ill just after my birthday last year & I didn't feel it was appropriate. Anyway just had a text from her to say "hope you're OK. Just to say I'm not doing Christmas for friends this year". Obviously I wouldn't expect anything from her as I don't plan to see her. I feel like replying "well you started the tradition on my birthday last year". Can anyone come up with something more grown up? Or jusy not respond at all?

Och, you've not seen eachother for a year, and she's never apologised for totally missing a big birthday. And you've not asked her about it.

Sounds like neither of you have time for eachother any more. And that's ok. People change.

I'd not reply to her text, or any others unless she acknowledged the whole ignoring birthday thing. I'd also not consider her a friend.

You sound very resentful. Do you want to end the friendship over your birthday?

If not, I wouldn’t send a sarcastic message about Christmas, it will make you look petty and immature.

Lots of people are feeling the pinch atm and you don’t know her true financial position.

”Yes sure, totally understand,” is fine.

I don't get it either. Nor the breathtakingly snippity passive aggressive replied proposed by numerous posters

I agree with pp’s - don’t think you need to do anything!! I think she’s already decided that the friendship isn’t a priority for her so really there’s no decision left for you to make. I find it a bit odd that you expect more than a birthday text from an old friend as an adult- unless I had a huge party and people brought a bottle or a little gift I wouldnt expect anything from a friend tbh! Maybe I don’t care about birthdays as much as you. Me and my friends do send a text or call to say happy birthday but that’s about it!

I've found birthdays to be a pretty solid barometer as to how much people value a friendship and how considerate they are. I've had people I've thought good friends not even remember to message me when I've made the time to get a present or do something nice each year for them. I now step away when that starts happening.
By contrast, I find its the people who take the time to remember by putting in their calendars and reach out, even it's something small like sending a WhatsApp, those have been the friends worth keeping.

You've said multiple times how she was ill 2 months after your birthday, so why didn't you speak to her about the fact that she hurt your feelings? You had two months to acknowledge that before she got poorly.

I just can't get my head around not having open communication with a friend, especially one of 30 years! That's literally my entire lifetime.

this

Yeah, I'd be fine with that, to be honest. My friends and I either send a card or a message but we don't exchange presents or meet up unless there's been an invite to a gathering.

Obviously if you're used to exchanging gifts every year, then you'd assume that she forgot your birthday for whatever reason. But that's not the end of the world, is it, really? There are approximately eighty billion things in people's lives that would (and should) be more important than the dates of their friends' birthdays and nobody is perfect. We're all human and we all forget things now and again. You're friends (or were) but that doesn't mean you will always be at the centre of each other's thoughts. You have no idea what else might have been going in her head at that time.

So no, I absolutely wouldn't be sending her some kind of dickish passive aggressive message in response to her message about not doing Christmas for friends this year. You don't sound as if you even like her very much.

Tbh you both sound a bit ridiculous. You've known each other donkey's years but neither of you are comfortable enough to confront an obvious underlying issue. You've taken umbridge with her for not paying enough attention to your birthday. It sounds like she's a bit miffed with you also and that her text was a way of her inviting you to confront the issue. Could you possibly have missed something major going on in her life that she feels you've been too passive about? The illness maybe? Do you have the slightest interest in rekindling this friendship? If so I wouldn't play silly games sending snarky or avoidant messages. I'd just reply being honest that you're hurt about your birthday and inviting her to talk things through. It sounds as if the friendship is dead unless you confront things so you have nothing to lose.

I'm not worked up about Christmas presents. Where did I say I was?

I would not reply to a message like this.

It doesn't sound petty. It is petty

You keep saying that it was a 'big' / 'special' birthday, but not everyone sees 30/40/50/60 or whatever it is as a 'big/special' birthday. You made a big deal of hers, but that was your choice, and it doesn't mean she has to feel that she must do the same in response out of obligation.

It is an opinion.

Sounds more like the message is a generic mass mailing to all (and not all about the OP)

You said she was sick after your birthday - with what? Is there a change she as unwell when it was your birthday,?

Well - yes, that's would a normal person would do (you would think)

I think you have two options

Make a thing of and text back oh I thought we’d already stopped buying presents for each other when you didn’t buy me anything for 50th (or whatever) and get it off your chest.

Or send a thumbs up to the message and send an all good my end text.

Do you want to remain friend?

Friendship isn't about giving and receiving gifts all the time, it's about the people. Have you considered she may be going through a crisis of some kind. Maybe just a reply agreeing and asking if she is ok or wants to meet up soon. You'll get the picture from her reply.

You don't need to respond to that message as it's just a statement but you could use it as an opener to see if everything is OK as it sounds like she might be going through some stuff she isn't talking about.

I know how much it hurts when your bigger birthdays are ignored. I got 1 card that referenced my age. My sibling sent me a text message at 4pm. For the same birthday I'd purchased them a nostalgia gift. I haven't spoken to them since because it was the straw that broke the camel's back. I'm in a current living hell but won't talk to anyone other than my mum about it.

All that and she'd actually messaged on the day and you hadn't organised anything specific yourself.

Why do you need presents and fuss from friends? Straight question, I'm not being accusatory.

Surely the rest of the year, caring, being there, common ground, mutual understanding and experience are the important things plus getting the odd round in! 30 years Vs a bloody card and gift. Come on.

Send her a thumbs up emoji.

No need to rely to it.

Is she alright? I’d be worried if someone suddenly started acting like this after 30 years

You’ve been friends for 30 years, and you can’t ask if she is OK and tell her about your disappointment? She might be facing something really awful (illness, money woes etc). Asking politely is better than ignoring her or texting something passive aggressive. Call her and have a chat. As you get older, you value those long-term friendships a lot.