How to respond to this message from 'friend'

[Funkyslippers]

Last year I had a big birthday. My oldest friend of 30+ years pretty much ignored it. No card, no present, made no effort to come & see me even though I made every effort for her big birthday the year before. So I have taken a massive step back (ie made no effort for last year's or this year's birthday or Christmas last year, haven't seen her in over a year though we message occasionally). I wasn't able to tell her the reason she pissed me off as she was ill just after my birthday last year & I didn't feel it was appropriate. Anyway just had a text from her to say "hope you're OK. Just to say I'm not doing Christmas for friends this year". Obviously I wouldn't expect anything from her as I don't plan to see her. I feel like replying "well you started the tradition on my birthday last year". Can anyone come up with something more grown up? Or jusy not respond at all?

Agree - this seems important to know. Was she maybe feeling ill before your birthday? Or awaiting a worrying diagnosis? That would explain the lack of interest in your birthday.

I think if you want to 'tackle' it, now is the time. Not necessarily to resolve it but to put it to bed for you.

"Hi X, I'd assumed as much after you ignored my 40th. I was a bit puzzled and upset by that, but I've accepted that things have changed between us so this isn't a surprise."

Don’t reply OP- she hasn’t asked any questions or asked how you are. The ‘I hope you’re okay’ start to emails/ texts really irks me - if you’re not okay how are you supposed to reply?‘no actually I’m not okay’. It puts the person who might not be okay in a difficult position. Either ask how someone is or don’t put the ‘I hope you’re okay’ in at all.

@Buddhistcauliflower true. But the sudden change that seems out of character? I'd kind of feel the need to work out what had happened. Not that it would probably help.

I thought the same. I wouldn't write her off. Her behaviour hasn't been great but maybe there is more going on.

Sure, but sometimes people cling to friendships because of time invested, they no longer see the person who is in front of them but the person in a glow of nostalgia. This person may have always been like this but life events mean its been better hidden. Whatever the reason she's shown her true colours to OP now.

“…she was ill just after my birthday last year …”

just thinking aloud, could this be the reason she wasn’t there for your birthday?

Could she have been worrying, symptomatic?

I’m always staggered by those who can’t just speak to their ‘oldest’ or ‘best’ friends to talk things through. Why can you not just tell her why you were hurt and chat it through. There may be an explanation. There may not be but all this ignoring and pulling away and neither side knowing why is just childish.

Good advice. Don't be baited

How do you 'chat' something through when your relationship has become really awkward?

This is a good response if you do want to get it in about your birthday.

Although like some other posters I'm also curious about what's been going on for her in terms of illness etc. as it just sounds quite out of character, or the norms of your friendship for her to miss your birthday like that.

If you are not bothered about either of the above then the thumbs up emoji is perfect!

Just say OK and wish her a happy Christmas.

It sounds like there may be something going on there, you might find out eventually or not but just move on.

I'd send this.

How do you 'chat' something through when your relationship has become really awkward?

I’d probably send a message. The one above sounds decent.

Being very optimistic it does sound like she feels bad about not reciprocating big birthday gift and keen to avoid same at Christmas.

If otherwise a good friend i would let it blow over. However if you havent missed the friendship over past year perhaps coming to a natural end point anyway.

If you want her to have noticed the distance and address the issue then this is likely to be only chance so i would reply mentioning you were surprised/disappointed about no birthday acknowledgement last year.

I wouldn’t reply. Sometimes silence is golden.

Is there a possibility she is not well or dealing with something very big. You have
been friends for 30 years and as you haven’t said I presume over the majority of those years good friends. If this change has only been the last 12 months or so maybe she is dealing with something and her withdrawal is not personal at all

I think this too.
I had long medical treatment a few years back and it really changed how much energy I had, even to think.
I still have to pace everything I do as I tire suddenly.

@Funkyslippers do you actually want her to know that you are pissed off with her? Would that make you feel better? If so, feel free to use any of the passive aggressive messages suggested.

Personally, I think her 'being ill' just after your birthday could be significant in how she was acting all around that timeframe. Did you ask her how she was?

Just answer as the person you are

If you are a live and let live I would send
"Thanks for the heads up" or something like that

I would put “lol!! You don’t do birthday and now Christmas has got the chop too!! 😂”

but then I am petty at times !

Nah, much easier to be chronically offended instead that someone missed your 12th? birthday

Could she be struggling? I've really struggled with buying presents this year because of money. Could she be anxious/depressed? Unwell again? I feel like if she's a close friend it deserves some investigation. Yeah, she might just have pulled back from you in which case it sucks but it happens a lot in life - but if this is a friendship you value, I feel like you have to explore the fact there might have been a good reason for her behaviour.

I wouldn’t reply or just do a thumbs up. It’s weird she has informed you about not doing Xmas but ignored your birthday rather than say she’s not doing birthdays.

I think the moment to address the issue about your birthday has passed and the friendship dynamic had changed too much anyway now.

It does sound like she could have been ill before your birthday, and didn't want to ruin in. Was/is it a serious illness?

Either way, you can either ignore, briefly acknowledge, or raise your grievance.

It depends whether you wish to "have it out" or sound spiteful. If you want to repair the friendship, you can do so in the future if you just acknowledge now. By responding with spite or passive aggressive, I believe it comes off as childish but it's what you feel best doing.