How to respond to this message from 'friend'

[Funkyslippers]

Last year I had a big birthday. My oldest friend of 30+ years pretty much ignored it. No card, no present, made no effort to come & see me even though I made every effort for her big birthday the year before. So I have taken a massive step back (ie made no effort for last year's or this year's birthday or Christmas last year, haven't seen her in over a year though we message occasionally). I wasn't able to tell her the reason she pissed me off as she was ill just after my birthday last year & I didn't feel it was appropriate. Anyway just had a text from her to say "hope you're OK. Just to say I'm not doing Christmas for friends this year". Obviously I wouldn't expect anything from her as I don't plan to see her. I feel like replying "well you started the tradition on my birthday last year". Can anyone come up with something more grown up? Or jusy not respond at all?

You said Sheila's ill just after your birthday.
Have you enquired about that ? Was it serious?

Her name's not Sheila but as I've already said, I visited her when she was ill. It wasn't serious

Is she having a hard time with finances? It could be a case of she doesn’t want to say if she is struggling.

No. But if she was it would be the polite thing to say. She's the sort of person who doesn't hide stuff like this and she knows I'd be OK with it

I’d ignore it

In response to your original question, I'd just thumbs up or say ok noted (as per pp suggestions)

I'd let this friendship go, sounds like this has run its course. I think perhaps the friend is more focussed on herself anyway.

She could be struggling with finances and or going through some difficulties. As a good friend of 30+, you should give it one more go- reaching out rather than writing off the friendship. I don’t believe in giving up on friendship especially one you’ve shared for so long. Please reach out to her.

Why don’t you just talk to her openly & honestly about this@Funkyslippers?

I can see why you're upset OP but honestly even 'big' birthdays aren't that big a deal surely? Except for kids? Bit odd. You made a massive deal for her special birthday- and that's great but she doesn't have to do exactly the same for you. Maybe she's been having a really shit year and just didn't want to tell you. Maybe she's not doing Christmas for friends this year as she's in financial hardship or shes feeling really depressed? My best friends sister went through breast cancer and a year of chemo and most of her family (lots of brothers etc plus her own Mum) don't know she even had cancer! Maybe reach out and see how your friend of 30 years is doing?

Has she marked your birthdays up to then? I'd be wondering if there's money issues or some other reason. One of my friends seemed to drop of the radar for a while and it came out later that her mum had cancer but they were keeping it quiet. I'm just saying if she's a good friend up til now I wouldn't be so harsh. Just say "OK that's fine, hope your re OK too" and leave it at that. You never know what people are going through.

Honestly? If she’s your oldest friend I’d put your ego on the side and check on her. She might be going through something difficult or struggling mentally and not speaking about it. Friendships are not tit for tat and sometimes you have to be the bigger person and extend an olive branch because they might need it a lot more than you think.

assuming you are not 12 a birthday isn’t a big deal.

Or probably wouldn't have become really awkward if you'd actually talked at the time instead of ignoring and festering.

Thanks for letting me know. I'm doing the same.

👍🏻

Yes good reply ok noted. Op feel same went all out for big birthdays. Mine nothing. I just thought not doing all that again for people!

My response to
Just to say I'm not doing Christmas for friends this year.
would be
Oh, so you’re doing Christmas for strangers this year? That must include me then.
but I wouldn’t write and send it. I’d just smile and forget her.

I wouldn't even bother replying.

I wouldn't even acknowledge her text. I had this with someone I'd have classed as a very close friend, I stopped chasing her and she didn't even notice

Some friendships just phase out naturally. Maybe you’re reading too much into all of it. After all, you say she was sick shortly after your birthday last year, maybe she was also ill in the run up to your birthday. Also, not everyone is bothered with birthdays. I’m not, not even the big birthdays. It sounds a bit extreme to stop meeting someone because they didn’t do anything for your birthday. But I guess it says a lot about how you felt about the friendship at the time. If you appreciated her as a friend you wouldn’t have used this as a reason to drastically reduce contact I think. It’s clear you found your birthday more important than her friendship. So just let this one go. Don’t respond to the message.

Usually I would agree but I'd say 40/50/60 etc birthdays are usually a big deal, if you want them to be. As she was a close friend it hurt, when other friends & colleagues really went out of their way to make it special. I didn't want all bells & whistles but just a card & for her to visit would have been very appreciated

I've said this many times already. There was no issue with her health or anything else in the run up to my birthday. She didn't get poorly until 2 months later

This if you want to clear the air
Or ignore / thumbs up if you don't

If she normally does remember, and was ill afterwards, then surely you give the benefit of the doubt that she normally forgot rather than was a deliberate slight.

I have had a period where I was very depressed, which isn't like me normally. I did miss things that normally I'd have done and a lot of the time my energy was going on pretending nothing was wrong in front of others. Only a very few people know that anything was wrong, and most of those don't realise how bad.

If someone who normally remembers forgets once, surely the natural response is to assume it was accidental not to send snipy messages back to what's clearly a general message.
I'd be more concerned that they had stuff going on that they were hiding than concerned they'd forgotten a present.

It’s a shame that you’ve thrown away a 30 year friendship over this. Unless it’s a mutual thing and neither of you are bothered about spending time together anymore, I’m which case, no need to reply at all.
honestly, I would no expect friends to do anything more than wish me happy birthday, ‘big’ birthday or not. My friends and I do not buy for each other and most don’t send cards. We’re busy with our families and jobs. We get together when we can and enjoy spending time together. Friendships aren’t supposed to be transactional.

The OP doesn’t actually want the friendship. She should just have posted that at the start. She is not open to hearing other opinions.