How to respond to this message from 'friend'

[Funkyslippers]

Last year I had a big birthday. My oldest friend of 30+ years pretty much ignored it. No card, no present, made no effort to come & see me even though I made every effort for her big birthday the year before. So I have taken a massive step back (ie made no effort for last year's or this year's birthday or Christmas last year, haven't seen her in over a year though we message occasionally). I wasn't able to tell her the reason she pissed me off as she was ill just after my birthday last year & I didn't feel it was appropriate. Anyway just had a text from her to say "hope you're OK. Just to say I'm not doing Christmas for friends this year". Obviously I wouldn't expect anything from her as I don't plan to see her. I feel like replying "well you started the tradition on my birthday last year". Can anyone come up with something more grown up? Or jusy not respond at all?

Some of the posts on this thread have been a bit eye-opening for me - I had no idea people expected so much from friends on birthdays. And what is a "big birthday" anyway? Sixteen (you can have sex), eighteen (you can vote), and forty (you are middle aged) yes, but the other years as an adult?

I expect my DH and close family to celebrate my birthday, but that's about it. I have close friends who sometimes send a present, sometimes a card or email, or meet for a meal. All welcome. I also have close friends who forget, and friends who never knew my birthday in the first place, or me theirs. But none of this matters - what matters is having friends who care about you, and show it in their own individual ways.

I’d wait 3 days then do a thumbs up on the message

Maybe the OP knows her former friend well enough to know that big birthdays ARE celebrated

Just "thumbs up" and move on.

So all you'd expect from a close friend on your special birthday is a message? No gift, card, visit? Wow

Unless I’d hosted a party for my big birthday then yes I would be very happy with a message and even when I’ve had a party I genuinely don’t expect presents and am always really surprised and grateful.

I do think some people are just more into gift giving than others.

I don't expect 'so much' from people for my birthday. But she celebrated her 50th in a big way that she wouldn't have for other birthdays, ie her family took her away for the weekend. My family did the same for me. Big birthdays tend to be 30th, 40th, 50th and so on.

I wouldn’t give up a 30 year friendship over this unless the friendship was a bit dodgy before my birthday .

I think you should decide if you still want to be friends or not.

She’s made the effort to contact you after a long period apart so maybe it’s time to build bridges
You could answer “ no problem, have a lovely Christmas and let me know if you’d like to catch up in the New Year” .
Life is too short to fall out with old friends over minor issues and at least that way you’ll know if the friendship is over or not .

She doesn't sound like a proper friend to be honest and she's certainly not invested in the friendship. I would just reply 'noted' and forget it.

I was in a similar position once. Friendship long distance and waning, I received a Christmas Card, saying No Gifts This Year but it came so late in the day that anything I would have sent would definitely be en route

I didn't send anything and considered myself the winner!

Rise above.

Well the thread did not disappoint with the expected tedious responses of why would you expect anything?

After long standing traditions of you celebrating each others birthdays I'd be pretty pissed too OP.

However I think she is making a very hamfisted attempt to open up a conversation about this.

If you want to ignore her do.

But if it's now playing on your mind I would actually respond something like
"Hi, all good here and hope you are too. I'm quite puzzled by your message. I wasn't intending a gift exchange as its pretty clear that tradition has ended after not hearing anything from you (beyond a text message) on my 50th."

I’d so want to reply ‘who is this?’

Why not just tell her openly and honestly that you were a bit hurt she didn't make more of an effort, and go from there.

If it was me and I hadn't sent a gift, but then my friend came to visit when I was ill and acted like everything was fine... then I'd presume everything was fine.

After 30 years, surely you can just tell her she hurt your feelings. Seems a shame to throw away a friendship over something so objectively small.

@Blogswife"You could answer “ no problem, have a lovely Christmas and let me know if you’d like to catch up in the New Year”

This is perfect. Do this, OP. We never know what other people are dealing with.

Yes. Why not ask her? If you’re planning to let the friendship go anyway, then there’s nothing to lose. You may not get a full and frank disclosure but you’ll get something to show what is going on.

I'd reply "me too, I'm only doing close friends this year"

I'm surprised by all the PPs claiming that big birthdays don't matter - if friends have a pattern of celebrating each other's birthdays, especially big ones (and OP was generous to her friend when it was her 50th last year) then for a friend just to ignore it beyond a brief text message, is an indication that something's very wrong. For that to be followed by a generic message about no Xmas cards this year, it seems that this friend is backing off in a serious way and you perhaps have to accept that the friendship is over or at least seriously downgraded. I stupidly forgot a dear friend's birthday last year and as soon as I realised, I immediately sent an expensive bunch of flowers plus chocolates (more than I'd normally spend) as an apology and to make sure that she knew I still value our friendship. Your friend hasn't made any such gestures, which makes me think it's a deliberate cooling.

After long standing traditions of you celebrating each others birthdays I'd be pretty pissed too OP.

However I think she is making a very hamfisted attempt to open up a conversation about this.

If you want to ignore her do.

But if it's now playing on your mind I would actually respond something like
"Hi, all good here and hope you are too. I'm quite puzzled by your message. I wasn't intending a gift exchange as its pretty clear that tradition has ended after not hearing anything from you (beyond a text message) on my 50th."

This OP, I agree. Maybe for her own closure or maybe because she is also puzzled about what happened and would quite like to repair the friendship. Only you can decide if it's worth engaging at this point, hope you work it out whatever way is best for you.

Sorry, I did mean to quote Nigella on that

I like this one. Its kind. It invites a response and it leaves the door open.

Because you don't know what's going on with her. It might be something you couldn't guess, which wasn't aimed at offending you. For 30 years I'd give her the benefit of the doubt until I knew more.

Ignore. Not every message has to be answered. Silence is powerful.

@PassingStranger "Ignore. Not every message has to be answered. Silence is powerful" Indeed. Also cruel.

I agree with this. I would try and be the bigger person - pop round and explain you were hurt by her neglecting your big birthday last year and see what she says. If no reasonable response is offered, it’s up to you whether you terminate the friendship or not, but I guarantee you’ll feel better for at least being upfront about it.

Is that she's not bothering or does she have money worries?

Also people sometimes withdraw when they’re depressed or feeling worthless. Someone close to me ignored me for months, they were feeling suicidal and didn’t want to talk to me (or anyone else) about it because they felt too ashamed. Life’s too short not to at least have a conversation about this, OP.