How to respond to this message from 'friend'

[Funkyslippers]

Last year I had a big birthday. My oldest friend of 30+ years pretty much ignored it. No card, no present, made no effort to come & see me even though I made every effort for her big birthday the year before. So I have taken a massive step back (ie made no effort for last year's or this year's birthday or Christmas last year, haven't seen her in over a year though we message occasionally). I wasn't able to tell her the reason she pissed me off as she was ill just after my birthday last year & I didn't feel it was appropriate. Anyway just had a text from her to say "hope you're OK. Just to say I'm not doing Christmas for friends this year". Obviously I wouldn't expect anything from her as I don't plan to see her. I feel like replying "well you started the tradition on my birthday last year". Can anyone come up with something more grown up? Or jusy not respond at all?

If you want to, it might be worth going for a coffee and perhaps clearing the air, in case it's all a big misunderstanding? As in, each of you thinks the other hasn't bothered. It might help you understand where you stand.

She wasn't ill straight after, it was 2 months later, I kept in touch frequently & went to see her

I honestly can't believe that after a friendship of 30 years you:

a) decided to pull back from the friendship because she didn't celebrate your birthday enough; and
b) haven't got it in you to tell her what your problem is!

Why are you half heartedly carrying on like this? Either sort it out and get over it or end the friendship. All this over a bloody birthday!

This is along the lines of what I'd say too. That way you're letting her know she's done something to upset you but also leaving the door open to talking it through and sorting it out. After that the ball is in her court. If she continues to be off with you I'd just delete her and forget about her. It's hard though when you're a loyal mate and you realise you're not important to them.

Are you sure she wasn’t already ill, or having symptoms investigated and that’s why wasn’t in the head space to celebrate your birthday despite initially enquiring about it?

If you took gifts and parties out of the equation, were there meaningful things about the friendship that added to your wellbeing?

Other than the birthday issue, are there any other signs your friendship is going South OP? Because if there aren't, then perhaps this is just a misunderstanding and could be resolved fairly easily?

I'd either thumbs up or reply with "That suits me, because I'm planning to only do Christmas with family and my close friends." Let her work out she doesn't fit into either group.

No she wasn't already ill, she'd always told me if she was poorly. She asked me the week of my birthday when I was free, I told her & got no response apart from "I'll see you soon"

@Funkyslippers
So she acknowledged your birthday, but not enough. So you're dumping her. After 30 years. Wow.

No not really. Everything was fine up until this. But I don't miss her like I would do other closer friends

So when she didn't see you, did you ask her if she was ok, was something up?
I think you'd just like an excuse to dump her, which is fair enough but you should own it.

No, none of that. She was ill 2 months after my birthday so plenty of time for us to arrange something or for her to make the effort to come & see me

No I guess I didn't. I just assumed we'd get together at some point. I took her out twice for her birthday & gave her a special present

I think I'd opt for a slightly warmer tone, if only so you don't get left with a bitter feeling in your mind.

If it was a generic message to others, as was mentioned by a PP upthread, I would just reply, "I'm good thanks, how are you"?

Then say you've taken notice of her message ( to you and/or other friends) but from the start of your thread, I wondered if your friend might be ill, or as was noted by another PP, in distress or circumstances that she's not wanting others to know about?

Just for your own peace of mind OP, I would ask only "how she is", and then you can rest more easily that you were civil to her, because you never know what brought this rift between you on.

Saying something nasty back isn't going to help you, or her, especially if you find out someday that she was hurting or distressed, then you'll likely feel pretty shitty about that.

She hasn't actually asked you a question. "Hope you're okay" is a statement. There is nothing to answer in that text. I wouldn't say anything, or just send a thumbs up to acknowledge that you received it.

So all you'd expect from a close friend on your special birthday is a message? No gift, card, visit? Wow

If she was ill enough that friends visited that sounds like in hospital? I mean we aren't talking about a cold here, are we?

Is it possible that whilst she didn't know she was ill around the time of your birthday, she was in fact beginning to have non-specific symptoms - brain fog, fatigue, aches and pains?

Also you say she always told you if she was ill. In my experience people share the minor illnesses "I have a terrible cold, can't stop sneezing" or "Gah! I have the worst headache! I need a paracetamol and a lie down!" But they are usually much more hesitant to share things that frighten them. Like finding a lump, or realizing they have had a cough for months and now they have coughed up blood, or they are so very tired they are dragging themselves out of bed for work and going straight back to bed after work. These things are usually worried about, mulled over, taking up headspace.

Example, earlier this year I had a post-meno bleed. I contacted my doctor and my DH knew. I did not tell one other person. Not my family or friends or work. I had a two week pathway scan and figured I would tell everyone once I knew what I was dealing with. During that 2 week wait I was operating on lowered bandwidth as I struggled with anxiety. I did my job and that was it. Didn't go out or reach out to mates. Now luckily for me, I got the all clear straightaway after my scan. This means that nobody still knows about why I was distant that fortnight, if they noticed, because whilst it was scary, it turned out ok. My family and friends and my work never needed telling. It still impacted me a great deal during that wait.

I would be delighted to get a card and maybe a gift if I had arranged a gathering on my bday and invited friends. I wouldn't be offended if people came without. I certainly don't expect or get any more than a happy birthday message otherwise.

Had something happened in her life leading up to your birthday? Something that had made her change her priorities or view life differently? After a significant life event 7 years ago, I just kind of gave up trying so hard with people. I wasn’t doing it out of spite or to be nasty, my views on everything just changed. When I take a step back i do feel it made me quite selfish, not in a horrible way, but in a sense that I don’t do much for others nor do I ask or expect much of others. I’m still a friendly person and make an effort with the most important people in my life, but I’m more introverted now.
it seems a shame to throw away 30 years of friendship just because you seem to have different perspectives or priorities in life

When you met up after your birthday, did she not ask how your big birthday had gone?

Did she not apologise for not following through on meeting you for your birthday?

That's what I find odd.

If it had slipped her mind at the time, or she'd been too busy to see you on or around your birthday, I'd have expected her to say that when you saw her.

My sense is she's pulling back, either from your friendship or others too.
There's the possibility the message was only sent to you but was worded in a way it suggests it was a 'mass message' to spare you hurt.

I'd leave it. It doesn't warrant a reply.

The other thing is that the length of a friendship doesn't equate to it being a healthy friendship.

Friendships can go stale, people change and sometimes (sadly) making a 'point' like she seems to be doing is their way of pulling away.

I'd stop ruminating on the 'whys' and focus your energies on the friends who care about you. x

It really depends on what the illness is.

She might have felt unwell a long time before ‘being ill’, aka officially ill.
She might be struggling to recover.

After 30 years, I’d have made the effort to go and see her and ask her face to face what has been going on.

@LadySad that's totally true about not reaching out when things are off like this.
And then they think you simply dint want to hear from them (esp if that last longer than 2 weeks) and dint bother to reach out again.
Its am eye opener to see how many long t8me friends just disappear when you get ill.

The illness is really a red herring though.

A good friend would at some point apologise for not making more of the big birthday. She had two months before she was ill and the OP says it was a minor illness.

Is she going through the menopause? This really does affect some people very badly. Where they can just about cope with every day life but anything on top of that is exhausting and feels like a mountain to climb.

Knock it on the head. I wouldn't respond as it just drags out the inevitable.

My ex friend kept promising and pushing back some time for my last big birthday. I finally had enough. She then got in touch to meet up but we couldn't because of the weather. Then the pandemic hit and she couldn't even be arsed to check in. So it was all pointless. I wish I had never opened the door.