How to respond to this message from 'friend'

[Funkyslippers]

Last year I had a big birthday. My oldest friend of 30+ years pretty much ignored it. No card, no present, made no effort to come & see me even though I made every effort for her big birthday the year before. So I have taken a massive step back (ie made no effort for last year's or this year's birthday or Christmas last year, haven't seen her in over a year though we message occasionally). I wasn't able to tell her the reason she pissed me off as she was ill just after my birthday last year & I didn't feel it was appropriate. Anyway just had a text from her to say "hope you're OK. Just to say I'm not doing Christmas for friends this year". Obviously I wouldn't expect anything from her as I don't plan to see her. I feel like replying "well you started the tradition on my birthday last year". Can anyone come up with something more grown up? Or jusy not respond at all?

If I'm non committal and not wanting to engage I just put ' no problem ' that's it . No how are you's , nothing .

If my oldest friend had not bothered with my bday at all, and was then ill straight after, my first instinct would be "something is wrong". To not have checked with her and not seen her for a year because she didn't give you a birthday present is actually not nice of you.

I think the first reply is best for now, but another perspective to consider is if you have seen her since your birthday and everything was fine (in her eyes), she may think you have pulled back from the friendship because she was ill.. it is quite common for people to do that and can leave a bit of a bitter taste, obviously that isn't the reason from your point of view, but it may be worth having a chat about you being disappointed about your birthday and the reason you didn't mention it to her rather than assume that she doesn't value the friendship the same way you do.

To be fair, it doesn't really matter now if she gets upset at you raising the issue, as the damage seems to be done, but personally I'd want a friend of 30+ years to know the reason I've pulled away from the friendship.

I think this is excellent.

She was unwell right after your birthday? Did that maybe start before your birthday? If it was serious enough that you didn’t want to discuss your birthday issue then it must have been quite serious. Was she symptomatic before? Worrying? Waiting for doctor’s appointments or could she have just been beginning to feel very unwell which would affect her?
I hope you considered all of that before cutting her off.
Has she also ignored Christmas and birthdays since then?

I wouldn't say anything. Something probably is going on and it would be a choice to find out what and support her or just carry on as you are. I wouldn't stick the boot in.

This is a good reply .

Normally I'd agree with you, that's the ' grown up', adult way of dealing with things. However, having been through similar testing times with a very close friend, much the same as the OP, it will honestly get you nowhere. My old friend withdrew from our friendship too - the birthday/ Christmas gifts stopped abruptly, get togethers were frequently cancelled at short notice, texts became curt and there was an all round feeling of awkwardness every time we met in person. I tried the mature response - gently asking why things had changed and if there was anything going on with her - but was met with a load of nonsensical excuses and platitudes that she still' adored me, but life was hectic' yada yada. For whatever reason they've decided not to continue the friendship but are too cowardly to give you the truth, so it's impossible to ' fix'. You can't salvage things if the other party doesn't want to. OP I'd go with the glib thumbs up approach to her message and let the friendship go.

Reply "OK!"

And that is all you need.

You've acknowledged it.

Have you considered the possibility that something may be very wrong her end?

That it's not all about you?

"OK, I'd gathered that on my birthday last year."

How big a birthday was it?

40
50
60?

Does 'pretty much ignored' your birthday mean ignored 100%?
You said no card but did she text you or call you?

My guess is that the friendship was fading anyway and maybe you didn't pick up the signs. Something must have happened for her to cut you off like this.

How far away do you live?

OP I think these are two separate things-

You birthday last year- I appreciate this would piss you off as you acknowledged hers and she didn’t to you. So she’s set the standard here.

With her Christmas present message it is actually fine. It just gets silly and expensive giving everyone presents so I think it’s actually sensible of her . (See Martin Lewis present exchange - that’s good to explain it!)

but I can see you’re annoyed not about Christmas presents but what she failed to do for your birthday. Maybe back away like you have and keep backing away 😂

I would have assumed she wasn't ill, actually, but was using it as an excuse for avoiding me after ignoring my birthday. Unless she's in hospital she could at least send a birthday text.

This

I would assume all is not well with dear old friend and say something comforting like “ ok darling, hope all well with you too. Xxx”

I think you should get it off your chest and say you’re hurt that she didn’t make and effort with your birthday and that’s why you’ve taken a step back. There might be a good reason why and now she’s feeling hurt you’ve taken a step back. If you value the friendship could be worth not ruining for the sake of a possible misunderstanding

I do not understand people.

Why did you immediately jump to the conclusion that her ignoring your birthday was about you? Especially when she was ill after? Why wouldn't you message soon after to say, is everything ok, you don't seem to have been quite yourself recently? A 30 friendship down the drain because of one issue. I don't get it.

I would take a “kinder” approach: “No worries Janet, are you OK?, x”

I’ll leave the ball on her court, maybe she’s angry, maybe she’s been dealing with some mayor stuff etc… we really don’t know what’s going on with people’s lives, we’re friends, not psychic readers. She maybe dealing with health issues and felt abandoned by you?

This!! If your anything like me then you might initially feel a boost from sending a passive aggressive accurate reply it would at some point ware off. Annoying as it is I would try to say nothing and let her stew but if I really couldn't then @HowNowBrownCow2 nails it!

I would send her something along the lines, I had presumed that seeing as you also stopped doing birthdays, have a lovely christmas

Because she asked to see me around my birthday. I told her when I was free. She said she'd see me soon. That was it. If there had been a problem with her seeing me due to illness she would have said. She was ill a couple of months after this & I went to see her. I really think the onus was on her to either make the effort or tell me if she isn't able to see me for whatever reason

As you haven’t mentioned it to her, it’s possible she sent something to you that didn’t arrive.

This happened to me once; I sent something for a birthday and it never turned up! The recipient thought I had forgotten, but I hadn’t! I had a photo of the parcel and it was addressed clearly, but never made it to its destination. I thought she just hadn’t thanked me for what I’d sent. I mentioned it to a family member though, and she asked her if she’d received it, which is how we found out what had happened.

She might have been annoyed for the past year that she’s sent something that you haven’t thanked her for!

Also how I would reply!

I'd reply with a simple:

👍