How to respond to this message from 'friend'

[Funkyslippers]

Last year I had a big birthday. My oldest friend of 30+ years pretty much ignored it. No card, no present, made no effort to come & see me even though I made every effort for her big birthday the year before. So I have taken a massive step back (ie made no effort for last year's or this year's birthday or Christmas last year, haven't seen her in over a year though we message occasionally). I wasn't able to tell her the reason she pissed me off as she was ill just after my birthday last year & I didn't feel it was appropriate. Anyway just had a text from her to say "hope you're OK. Just to say I'm not doing Christmas for friends this year". Obviously I wouldn't expect anything from her as I don't plan to see her. I feel like replying "well you started the tradition on my birthday last year". Can anyone come up with something more grown up? Or jusy not respond at all?

From what you have written it sounds as if you have dealt with the back story very well. Personally, I would not even bother to text back or if you do just write 'Happy Christmas' and treat it as if you were dealing with some one you hardly know.

She was ill shortly after your birthday which she forgot ( I’m assuming cancer or something serious) so maybe she knew or found out around your birthday and that’s what made her forget

she probably thinks you are but weird pulling back after serious illness ?

did you invite her to your big celebration?

Yeah this. ^ Sounds good. Moderately passive aggressive, but so what?!

OR (as a pp suggested, send a message saying 'OK noted.' with a after it to show no coldness.)

If you do send one of these messages @Funkyslippers maybe also say 'hope you're well, message me after Christmas if you want meet up in the new year.'

Leave the ball in her court.

I mean you don't have to say 'message me if you want to meet up in the new year.' it depends how much you value the friendship. It doesn't sound like she values it much though tbh.

You’ve pulled back with no explanation, she’s obviously picked up on the energy and is doing the same thing back.
This is a classic case of lack of communication. Maybe she was being an arsehole over your birthday, or maybe something else was going on, you don’t know because you’ve chosen to believe the worst from a long standing friend and ghost her.
Give her a thumbs up, kiss my arse, or fuck off if it makes you feel better, or maybe try talking to her to find out what’s going on if the friendship was worth anything to you and you’d like to salvage it. Your choice ?

Could she have sent something that you didn't receive? Thirty years is a long time to throw away over one missed gift

So she probably hadn't noticed or maybe even been relieved you haven't given her gifts/whatever on the occasions you mention. I doubt she's even noticing you've pulled back that much or has decided to just treat you as she normally would when you are in touch.
I moved away from my 'bestie' three years ago. We saw each other several times a week before. I supported her when her husband got in trouble with the law. I was the one she'd turn to. She's made zero effort since. I've done all the trips. driving two plus hours each way to see her. One time, I hadn't seen her for months but was in the area and said could we meet for breakfast (9.30) as I was leaving at noon and she said no because that was too early! I was pretty hurt at that (she doesn't work). When I see her she says how much she misses me - but her actions say otherwise. I guess your friend, like mine, doesn't really see us as we do them.

This is why I suggested that the OP could say 'message me in the new year if you want to meet up' to let her friend know she is happy to meet/still wants to be friends. Of course, if the OP has already checked out of the friendship, there's no point.

Did she wish you a happy birthday? That's all I'd expect from a friend. Thank goodness my friend group don't do gifts for birthdays and Xmas as we've all enough to buy for with our children and families.

No definitely not. She was expecting to see me, I told her when I was free & she didn't respond. Then 2 months later she was poorly so I went to see her

Yes she did message me but we always got together for each others birthdays and I would have expected it even more due to it being a special birthday for me

I would too also wonder if something has happened in her life. If you really want the friendship to end, I would just not reply at all. It is the most dignified ending.

If you are still open to a friendship with her then I would avoid any sort of sarky or passive aggressive response. I would be send an honest reply back, if it was me it would be along the lines of:

'Ok thanks and understood. I feel sad that we don't have the close friendship we once did and I am not really sure why. If this is your preference, whilst it is hard I do accept that and will leave you be. Despite the recent distance, I still consider you a dear friend and I miss our friendship very much. I am here if you want to catch up or talk. Sending love.'

The ball is then left in her court and you have made your position clear.

What sort of poorly was she? Because of this was a good friend of mine, I world have been worried about her missing my birthday, not huffy!

Just say "OK fine" surely? Why would you want to cause drama and bad feeling by sending anything more? She upset you by not acknowledging your birthday and you've dialled back the friendship accordingly. What's to be achieved for anyone in sending her a message now to tell her how you felt when you've said nothing all this time?

Yeah, one of my so-called best friends didn't acknowledge my birthday this year - it's in the early Spring. It's always me getting in touch and tbh I am sick of it. (We meet every 2 months normally, and she never contacts me first as she is always sooooo very very busy.) 🙄

After I contacted her to meet up before Christmas (mid December last year,) I didn't contact her again. My birthday came and went (early Spring) and nothing... Not even a text. Then 2 weeks after my birthday she sent a Facebook message saying 'sorry I missed your birthday, I have just been so busy! I have had sooooo much on! I will make it up to you! Let's meet soon.' (Too busy to send a 2 word text: HAPPY BIRTHDAY! Really?')

But she never said when she could meet. So then it was down to me AGAIN to arrange it!

Also, every time I said 'hey, when shall we meet?' she messages back after 2-3 DAYS and say 'I'll have to let you know, I am a bit busy lately.' (She's always very 'busy!') 🙄 Then about 5-6 days after I message her, I get a date out of her.

Anyway, this year, we eventually met a MONTH after my birthday and she gave me a Christmas Gift Set of smellies. Clearly regifted, as she hadn't just bought it - because it was 4-5 months after Christmas.

She didn't 'make anything up to me' at all.

It was her birthday in August and I contacted her, (again!) and met up with her and gave her a couple of gifts. But I have not seen her since or heard from her. I'm secretly hoping she doesn't get in touch. I CBA with her. We normally meet in mid December. If by some miracle she does contact me, I might say I've got covid or something. CBA!

She is not poorly or anything, she is just always sooooooooo busy. No-one is as busy as her! 🙄

I distanced myself from a 'good friend' who cba to come to my wedding and sat at home instead. Some poeole travelled in from other countries and the venue was a ten minute walk from this friends house

I dont need people in my life that wont reciprocate celebrating each others lives

I couldn't be mad as an adult about someone not getting me a birthday present, especially when they were ill. I think it's strange you would pull back from a 30 year friendship over this. You can't have valued the friendship much.

I would say, no problem at all, hope all is OK with you.

I think she actually probably has some issues that she is dealing with and maybe she needs some warmth. Dont assume the friendship is over.

Ok let me talk about times I have retreated or been retreated on with my friends of 30 years.

One friend just seemed to disappear. Didn't respond to invitations though I could see she had seen them. No messages on birthdays or anything. Occasional Facebook posts of her dog. Eventually I reached out by direct mail and asked her if everything was ok as she seemed distant. Turned out her eldest son, then about 20, was having what later transpired to be a psychosis episode, was unpredictable, volatile, verbally abusing her, accusing her of stealing his money etc, and she and her partner were afraid and overwhelmed and ashamed and distressed and depressed. Frankly birthdays were low down her list and she needed to know her friends were there for her, even though she didn't have the bandwidth to engage.

I have also stepped back from a friend recently. The friend was depressed and severely anxious due to a changed health condition she has. This was all completely justified. However she began messaging me 12-15 times daily including while I was trying to work, overthinking every decision. Every message was about her and her health and what she could cope with and when we met it was all she could talk about. Meanwhile my own child was experiencing a flare up in their own incurable health condition which meant that I was in and out of hospital with them. The relationship had become unbalanced with all the support flowing one way and I couldn't handle that level of expectation when I was dealing with my own shit. Essentially her anxiety and depression made her profoundly selfish at that time. This wasn't her fault, but I just didn't have enough in my own cup to pour into hers. We are still friends, but I wasn't as available as I had been to her.

What I am trying to say is, if you have been true pals for 30 years, I would bet there was a reason she didn't do more for your birthday, and I bet it's to do with her life not yours, or how she feels about you. Or did.

Blimey - you’re throwing away a 30 year friendship because she forgot your birthday (on top of which there may be circs where she was unwell)??….. crikey! If people stopped speaking to me if I didn’t mark their birthdays I’d have no friends!!…they know I’m always there if they need me, and if they want to do something for their birthday they should invite me to it (which would remind me too😂). I obv live in a different world as I think the only people obliged to remember your birthday are your family & partner!!

I think this makes you sound a bit petty to be honest. She acknowledged your birthday with a message. It's nice to be spoiled on your birthday but it's not something I would fall out with someone over. Especially not a friendship of 30 years.

Yeah, OP it’s not your friend who’s coming off badly here having read your updates 😬

Do nothing, give it a WhatsApp thumbs up.

Friendships can sometimes rebound, as in they can come back round later on.

You might just be in different places. It's not always possible to know what someone is going through.

I wouldn't go back with anything - just let it pass over you. If you go back with something even slightly arsey then essentially you're trying to hurt her and provoke an reaction and for a 30yr friendship- it's not worth it.

It's just an 'ok' or a thumbs up.

I think that’s the most appropriate response.

Are you the same age? Is it possible she lost track of the years and didn’t twig it was a big birthday?

No it wasn't anything serious. I didn't have a celebration, I just went away with family & saw friends individually. She didn't forget as she sent me a messon my birthday