You never know what people are going through

[Downunderduchess]

This morning I was shopping, I saw a young woman who looked really well groomed & put together, as I passed her I said how glamorous she looked for so early in the morning. She looked surprised and said thanks. I smiled and kept going. About 30 seconds later she found me and said thank you that she really needed to hear that. She looked quite emotional. I told her she was very welcome.

I quite often compliment people I see in public if they have a pretty dress on or their hair looks great etc. I’m so glad I did today especially. A little thing can mean something to someone.

My default hostile reaction towards men who declare any unsolicited interest in my body and appearance is armour to keep me safe and it would be irresponsible for me to try to learn to be less hostile.

Okay, well I'm sorry your neurodiversity means you feel you need to approach the world in such a hostile way.

However, the NT portion of the world is not going to stop engaging in what is usually completely harmless and even positive behaviour simply because a small portion of individuals can't tell the difference between "Nice tits!" and "Nice shirt!" and it would be rather unreasonable of you to think they should do so.

Either way, I think making this thread about men and their intentions with compliments rather derails from the OP's lovely story about giving a fellow woman a boost on a day she obviously needed it.

I do think it's important to try and be positive and pleased to see people

Always one misery box.

A rocker at Bloodstock told me that I have lovely long hair as he walked past. Possibly a sincere compliment, as he didn't get radgy when I a) didn't realise immediately that he had spoken to me and b) then froze to the spot whilst I risk-assessed him and my surroundings. It was his decision to keep walking that is why he didn't get told to fuck off. There are men who fetishise women's long hair. 🤮

Reader, I went to the hairdresser when I got home and had half of the butt length hair I'd nurtured for two decades cut off.

Why risk triggering a reaction like that in someone when you could just stay quiet?

The OP is saying that you don't know what someone is going through. You don't know what someone has been through either. You don't know what someone is living with. You can't speak to someone and know for sure that they will react the way you intend them to. Someone upthread said sometimes people give these compliments to make themselves feel generous: well, don't. I'm not a non-player character in the video game of your life to react in a way that makes you feel good when you impose on me in the first place.

What would you have done had the compliment been about your eyes???? 😵

Because your extreme "reaction" is 100 percent within your control. It's not on the rest of the world to limit reasonable behaviours just in case one person takes it upon themselves to respond in an unreasonable way.

If you decided to cut your carefully nurtured hair off purely because someone made a nice comment about it (and absolutely nothing bad happened as a consequence), and you didn't want to risk receiving another comment on it, that's your choice. The rocker did nothing wrong.

and absolutely nothing bad happened as a consequence

I was rooted to the spot, couldn't move, and then felt faint with relief that he had done nothing bad to the extent that my vision went grey and snowy and I had to sit on the ground with my head between my knees to prevent myself from blacking out.

I'd say that my panic response in the middle of a field constitutes something bad happening.

Because your extreme "reaction" is 100 percent within your control.

You think I had a choice about nearly blacking out?

As a daily frazzled single parent , multiple pet owner and I'd like to think hard working employee , I will say that any time a woman has given me a compliment it has made my day ! It's always so much nicer to have a woman tell
Me , I love your coat , eyeshadow, boots etc than if a man were to say the same.
And I am the same , take the eras tour , I told so many people they looked fantastic , their outfit was stunning etc and was told the same back throughout the night.
It's nice to be nice

How lovely @Downunderduchess. You've inspired me. Sometimes we can be so focused on the things that annoy us that we don't see the loveliness in front of us.

For reasons of neurodivergence and astigmatism, I spend about 90% of my waking hours in prescription sunglasses, so people don't comment on my eyes because they can't see them.

You think I had a choice about nearly blacking out?

I'm not going to engage with someone who is going to deliberately twist my words, so this will be my last response to you. I said you had a choice whether or not to cut your hair off in response to a passing compliment from someone.

You didn't mention a panic attack in your first post - you simply said you froze and did a risk assessment - and it seems rather suspicious that you've suddenly upped the drama of your reaction.

If what you say is true and you have panic attacks in response to men speaking to you unsolicited, then I'm sorry that you have such a difficult time in life. Again, as I said, perhaps more therapy is in order. A friend who suffered from panic attacks found EMDR very helpful.

I really think it's quite selfish of you to try and take away what would be, for 99.9% of people, a really lovely smile-inducing moment that they'll remember for a long time, because you happen to be in 0.01% that would be upset by an innocent and well-meaning comment and dramatically react to it by cutting your hair off. You're dumping your clear PTSD trauma all over this thread and putting posters off doing a nice thing, because of your own unusual panic response.

I assume that you've had substantial therapy? You must know that that's not a normal or healthy response, nearly blacking out because a man spoke to you politely? It isn't the stranger's fault you've been through whatever it is, and they're not mind readers. You can't blame them for triggering your past because you can't control their actions, and you can't dictate to posters not to compliment people because of your own personal issues either.

To a friend or relative, maybe even a colleague, if you've known them for a while. Not to a stranger.

1. Someone you've known for a while, you have some idea of how they will receive a compliment.
2. Someone you already speak to regularly isn't going to get a jump scare if you start speaking to them and, even if you catch them unawares, once they've mentally returned from whatever they were thinking about, their thought process will go "oh, it's Bea, I'll ask her how her dog's dental work went" not "shit, who is this, have I met them once and forgotten them, do they intend to harm me, how should I react?"
3. Someone you've known for a while won't be worried about you having ulterior motives.

I like both giving and receiving compliments, like the vast majority of people. I will semi often engage in light conversation with a mum who is wrangling a difficult child, mention that she looks like she’s doing a great job, or that it gets easier, or that her child is a sweetie or something. I used to like this when my two were small.

I’ll also sometimes aim a compliment not specifically at the person but in their general direction. Eg I was on a walk with a friend and a woman was doing pull ups on some equipment and so I said to my friend “that is super impressive, she is so strong!” so that she could hear.

if people choose to take these friendly interactions in a randomly wrong way, so be it.

Team @Downunderduchess keep up the good work.

@MaidOfAle, autism is a social disability. You lack capacity to calibrate and enjoy 'social strokes'. The vast majority of humans do enjoy them; indeed, they're considered germane to mental health. It's very unreasonable of you to demand everyone else stops exchanging 'strokes' because you don't like it.

While we're here, it's antisocial to keep trying to make this happy little sharing thread about you and your personal difficulties. It's a disability, OK, you can't calibrate. Hence I offer this handy advice: please stop.

You didn't mention a panic attack in your first post - you simply said you froze and did a risk assessment - and it seems rather suspicious that you've suddenly upped the drama of your reaction.

A relative I'm NC with doorstepped me last Christmas Eve. My vision went grey and I woke up on my hallway carpet. Fainting isn't particularly rare or dramatic as outcomes go for me, but mentioning it does get across the point I'd not initially made clear, which was that I'd frozen in part with fear.

What is EMDR?

Here you go, @MaidOfAle:
https://www.google.com/search?q=What+is+EMDR

EMDR is a type of therapy used with trauma. Do you think you might suffer from Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder? If it resonates you might find Pete Walker's book CPTSD From surviving to thriving helpful.💐

The problem is that you aren't exchanging "social strokes" amongst yourselves, you keep wanting to give these "social strokes" to me and there's no apparent way to opt out.

It comes back to this reasoning:

1. If I compliment someone and that upsets them, I've done harm.
2. If I don't compliment someone who would have liked it, I've done no harm.

The safest option is not to do it.

I should have seen "Let Me Google That For You" coming. 😁

Thanks, adding to my Kindle.

Personally I think that if I compliment 20 random people and 19 have their day brightened as a result and 1 takes it poorly for whatever reason, I'm going to keep doing it.

Agree. On the rare (non existent) occasion that a friendly compliment sends someone into a panic attack, I’ve probably done them a favour by showing that they need some pretty urgent therapy if “i like your shoes” makes them pass out with fear.

I love this OP. Well done

I once saw a woman at a national trust place in a very stylish jump suit. She looked so elegant. I saw her two or three times in the day, and in the end decided to tell her she looked amazing. .

She was so chuffed! It turned out she’d bought it especially for the day, (the classic style of the suit fitted the period of the property we were visiting). We had a brief exchange then went on with our trip.

I think we actually have a responsibility to share an innocuous gentle compliment if one comes to mind. People don’t know how wonderful they are, and life is too short!!

My only rule would be never to mention body size or shape. That’s way too personal. But an “I love the clothes you chose today” type comment is great