You never know what people are going through

[Downunderduchess]

This morning I was shopping, I saw a young woman who looked really well groomed & put together, as I passed her I said how glamorous she looked for so early in the morning. She looked surprised and said thanks. I smiled and kept going. About 30 seconds later she found me and said thank you that she really needed to hear that. She looked quite emotional. I told her she was very welcome.

I quite often compliment people I see in public if they have a pretty dress on or their hair looks great etc. I’m so glad I did today especially. A little thing can mean something to someone.

I am with the posters who think this is a bit odd.

Why do you go around complimenting people @Downunderduchess ? I think it's a bit strange to just aim random opinions and comments at strangers/people you don't know when you go out... And quite often from what you say. It's odd behaviour IMO, and like the other 3 or 4 posters on this thread (so far) I think some people will think it weird.

Even if they don't say anything they will be thinking 'eh? Do I know this person?' If they do smile or say thank you it's probably because they feel awkward or embarrassed. Not everyone will but many will.

Even if it's a woman complimenting another woman it's a little bit odd. (If she doesn't know her.) And it is odd to do it often - the OP does it often according to her. If it's a man complimenting a woman he has never met before, it's a bit creepy. And don't even get me started on how odd it would be if a man complimented another man he didn't know. I can imagine my DH - and my brother - if a random man said 'you look great dude. Lovely clothes.' They'd probably run for the hills. 😆If a woman said something similar, they'd think she fancied them.

People can laugh out loud as much as they like at the 'naysayers' including me, but I do think it's a bit odd. Randomly complimenting people you don't know all the time.

I also don't understand the thread title 'you never know what people are going through...' What's that got to do with anything? Should we all tell everyone we meet that they look nice in case they're having a shit day? WTF? 😂

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I would hope you'd be equally kind to a woman who was exceptionally badly groomed?
It sounds like a nice thing to say but I wouldn't compliment someone for looking 'well groomed' early in the morning. I'd rather just give them a warm smile and say 'alright/hello'. And wish them well regardless of their appearance.

I've done it a few times. One time I asked a woman if she'd just had her hair done as it looked lovely and she burst into tears. She said she couldn't remember the last time she'd heard a compliment.

Another time I told a woman her perfume was lovely which was a mistake because the next time I saw her it stung my eyes.

Don’t frumpy people deserve kindness?

Compliments from strangers can sometimes feel intrusive.

Can confirm. I never know how to deal with them. My autistic (and probably also inattentive ADHD) brain was elsewhere and you interrupted my thought processes in a way that demands immediate response, which I am now scrambling to think of. And yes, I mean "demands": experience tells me that failing to acknowledge the compliment gets a muttered "how rude" at best and shouted "oi, I'm talking to you, stuck-up bitch" at worst.

The way I see it is this:

• If I compliment someone and that upsets them, I've done harm.
• If I don't compliment someone who would have liked it, I've done no harm.

So the option that risks least harm is to keep my opinion to myself.

Great, OP. Random compliments are lovely. So is showing an interest in somebody's problems. For example, I was grocery shopping yesterday and the cashier loudly sighed. So I asked her if it had been a long day and she told me about her migraines and the long hours she was working. She seemed to need to get it off her chest and to have her feelings validated, so that's what I did. I felt bad for her, but it seemed to perk her up a bit that somebody listened to her. Sometimes people need to be heard by someone, anyone, even a stranger.
Caring strangers have made me feel better when I was going through hell. I will never forget those random acts of kindness.

@LikeWhoUsesTypewritersAnyway

I'd rather risk someone thinking I was odd and do it anyway if I felt like it.

If this was a poll I'm pretty certain the people who think it's a lovely thing to do or be on the receiving end of would far outnumber the people that don't.

I did it a couple of months and the lady said it had made her day. She looked so happy and her partner thanked me for making her day too.

So you posters who think it's odd / potentially offensive and shouldn't be done - those of us that do shall carry on regardless, or I hope everyone does.

If it's a man complimenting a woman he has never met before, it's a bit creepy.

Even if it's sincere and innocent. And so often it isn't innocent. A man complimenting a woman he doesn't know labels himself as a threat.

And don't even get me started on how odd it would be if a man complimented another man he didn't know. I can imagine my DH - and my brother - if a random man said 'you look great dude. Lovely clothes.' They'd probably run for the hills. 😆 If a woman said something similar, they'd think she fancied them.

All of this. FFS I don't even dare smile at men because some of them have misread it, never mind compliment them.

Oh come on now. Obviously that's a completely different scenario.

By giving compliments we can pretty safely assume the OP does not mean cruising past some young fella and screaming out "Hot buns! Get your shirt off!"

Frankly, I can even take some comments on my appearance from men without offense, because it's generally very easy to tell when a man's compliment is simply friendly conversation and when it's some kind of prelude to a come-on or a way of exerting power over you.

True that. My lovely diabetic nurse beamed at me when I walked in and told me how gorgeous my hair looked today (it is, it's the only good thing I have left) despite me failing miserably getting my blood sugar down and yet another argument with DH about spending (my ) money on much needed home improvements that he can't do due to illness but refuses to get anyone in.
Fair cheered me up it did.

If they do smile or say thank you it's probably because they feel awkward or embarrassed. Not everyone will but many will.

Do you know what? It's ok to feel awkward or embarrassed. It's not the end of the world. If it's a genuine compliment and not an insult wrapped up with a bow and a smile then the interaction will be forgotten soon enough. Or my comment might brighten their day and make them feel good. PPs have remembered comments that meant the world to them YEARS later. I'll take the risk thanks.

Op you sound lovely.
Nothing wrong with a compliment.

What's really sad is that women have been conditioned to believe that their entire value is in how they look, and have swallowed the koolaid to the extent that a stranger's unsolicited opinion will "make her day".

Earning a degree? Giving birth however many times? Writing a flawless parser for a niche data format? Donating blood? Playing a musical instrument? Driving a JCB? Raising kids to adulthood? Saving lives daily as a medical professional? Nah, none of that matters, it's all about how we look and we are so emotionally fragile that strangers should affirm our appearance in public just in case we are having a bad day.

To someone needing to hear it maybe all fine, it can also feel patronising and the person's need 'to do good' outweighs what the other person needs

So it can work both ways

it's generally very easy to tell when a man's compliment is simply friendly conversation and when it's some kind of prelude to a come-on or a way of exerting power over you.

How do you know the difference?

When you're autistic, how do you know the difference?

All I see is rape weapon penis owners taking an interest in my body and what's concealing it from their view (i.e. my clothes) and IME that's never not a red flag worthy of a Soviet victory parade.

Um. It's a stranger. How would you know about any of their personal achievements to compliment them on those? The only thing you have to compliment is what's right in front of you - their appearance. Or in the case of PP, her interaction with her child.

I also think that the type of person to genuinely notice, admire, and then compliment a random stranger is also the type to gauge the likely response before doing it. I can read people pretty well (I used to live in London and you had to learn pretty damn quick). You can tell if people are in their own world and don't want to be approached or interrupted.

@MaidOfAle

I agree with your sentiment and of course all of those things are far more important/ impressive than how someone looks. I don't think too many would disagree with you.

But compliments come in many forms. I wouldn't have the slightest clue about the average person walking down the street. What they do for a job, their qualifications, whether they are a decent or kind person, but that's not what we are talking about here however.

I can see if they are wearing a nice jacket however and I don't think it does any harm to complement them on it. It was meant to be a lighthearted thread and not (I assume) not looked into this deeply.

Jeez what kind of world do we live in,when someone gets criticised for being nice!

Well, when it's a complete stranger saying "Wow, that dress makes your legs look hot" or someone I work with saying "You look very dressed up today, are you trying to impress someone" then because those comments are actually about my body or suggesting that I am using my appearance to gain something, I know they are red flags.

When it's someone I have known for quite a while and they say "Is that a new dress? That green is lovely" then there is nothing threatening in the comment because it's about an item of clothing,

Either way, I don't see every 'penis owner', as you put it, as gearing up to deploy a 'rape weapon' against me simply because they said something nice about how I look. And if I say to one of my male colleagues at work "Oh, I like your shirt, it's a very summery pattern!", it's likewise not because I'm trying to snare him in my pussy-trap.

If you think that way, I would suggest it's not just your neurodiversity, it's a hostile approach to the world that might benefit from some therapy.

MN. It's a parallel universe where someone will always find a way.

A good rule of thumb is: people like it if you criticise something they have done/chosen, rather than just something that's innate to them. e.g.
"I love how you have done your eyeshadow" versus "you have beautiful eyes"
"Thats a lovely skirt on you" versus "nice bum/your bum looks nice in that skirt"
"Nice shoes" versus "I really like your feet".

Women I think understand this innately (I would tell my sister she has nice eyes but not my boss). Men are often baffled (or maybe pretend to be baffled) if their compliments don't land. But the above is pretty foolproof. The one excepetion is hair which occupies a weird inbetween space because sometimes (for example) people deliberately curl their hair but sometimes it is not a deliberate choice.

The compliment mentioned in the opening post is perfect, because it is recognising the effort that the person put in and acknowledging that it really paid of.

Also, I have several degrees in difficult subjects and have given birth. I still think being able to do a good smokey eye or looking well put together is an achievement.

I agree with you @Downunderduchess I compliment on nails and lashes. As a mum of 2 littles there's no way I could manage upkeep on either. 🙂

This thread is insane. I can tell you, hand on heart, every single time a random stranger has complimented my appearance, it has been accepted as it was given and I remember it. I remember the time 80 year old woman stopped me in the street to have a conversation about how blessed I was to be walking with my 4 children, one of who was newborn with nothing but pride. I also remember that fat, bald guy in Stroud who told me I should lay off the chocolate as I was fat enough as it was. 3 weeks postpartum and it was the only thing I'd had time to eat that morning and I felt faint. Only one of them fucked me off at the time and still fucks me off 20 years later. The rest? It's good to be nice!

it's a hostile approach to the world that might benefit from some therapy.

It's a learned response to a series of sexual assaults that started when I was eight years old. Autistic women and girls don't know how to read men's and boys' intentions nor extricate ourselves skillfully from situations that we realise are risky to us, and some men, the most dangerous ones, deliberately seek out vulnerable women. The combination of us being vulnerable and some men being predators means that nine out of ten of autistic women have been subjected to sexual assault, compared to one in three of the overall female population.

My default hostile reaction towards men who declare any unsolicited interest in my body and appearance is armour to keep me safe and it would be irresponsible for me to try to learn to be less hostile.