Daugher not happy with gift we gave her

[jouxlake]

We bought our daughter an expensive jewellery gift for her birthday, she chose it, it was plus GBP1,000. She chose it, she apparently loved it, tonight she messaged me and said 'I don't like it, can we return it'. which I know is not an option. Turns out her boyfriend said he didn't like it, prefers the next up design which is double the price. I am livid at how impressionable she is, livid at him for undermining a gift from her parents. But overall, I am fucking so upset and really gutted that she had no appreciation for what gifted her.

You can tell from the OP that OP isn’t British, so it’ll just be a different culture where 20 is the milestone.

I would just text: lolz

Turns out her boyfriend said he didn't like it, prefers the next up design which is double the price.

He is very into designer labels

He possibly intends to fund his love of designer labels with the next design up piece of jewellery.

I don't recognise this girl, nor her boyfriend, it's not like he is a new boyfriend that I can lay the blame on for 'changing her'..

Next time don't spend so much money on jewelry

Only you know whether that’s really true, but it certainly does sound as if neither she nor her boyfriend really understands the value of £1,000. If your daughter truly appreciated its worth she would not have responded the way she did. If it helps at all she is not the only girl her age to be given a present only to say they would prefer something else (which was much more expensive.) I bought my niece a silver and crystal tennis bracelet from Swarovski for her 21st birthday. It cost about £125. She never said thank-you and about a year later I asked my sister over dinner if her daughter had liked the bracelet. She texted her on the spot - which I didn’t expect - and got a text straight back saying, “It’s nice, but I would have preferred the gold one.”

@Tippexy I didn't get the impression that she wasn't British from the OP. What made you think so?

Funny on MN that jokers like yourself think objection to disrespect is authoritarianism.

I didn't say objecting is authoritarianism. It's the taking it away and never giving her another gift again that shows you prize your authority above your relationship.

What else in my post didn't you understand?

I think you also need to say to her “is that really how you feel or is it just how boyfriend feels?” Sounds like she might need support in realising she’s letting him have opinions for her, which is a dangerous road to go down. Honestly I know she’s been ungrateful over this, and that does need to be addressed, but I’d be much more worried about her losing her own strength and independence.

Possibly the issue here is that she thinks a £1000 gift is normal. She probably doesn’t even realise how entitled she is/sounds. I think that’s a lesson to be learned as a parent. At 20 I was working and paying rent. I know studying is normal at 20, but this sort of reaction seems like she has no concept of the value of money, especially when it’s not her own money!

Expecting gracious gratitude is not 'authoritarian'.

I am not British, neither is my husband, we did live there for many years, now living abroad.

You say the boyfriend is into designer labels.

Is he also into working? What is their financial situation - who pays for their uni accommodation (or do they live at home?), phone bills, clothes, transport money or cars, etc…?

Do they actually work (which at 20 they should have at least in the holidays), or are they children who were never made to work so that they could “enjoy their youth”, “focus on studies”, and so on?

Yes - take it back but with no replacement

I too formed the impression OP wasn't British and/or wasn't in the UK from their use of 'GBP' in the OP.

And also, I think she's just confirmed it.

Is the boyfriend an online influencer or gangster or nepo baby? He sounds shallow and explotative.

Are you from a culture where people marry young or a big wedding or dowry is expected? He sounds like he's testing whether he can drain you, if so.

Are you in the UK op?

I don't think it was the expectation of gratitude that the PP thought was authoritarian.

My daughter works, as a babysitter and dog sitter, but we pay all her expenses, housing etc. he does partime work for his father who has his own business.

It really isn't. 21 is the milestone, if I were you I would wait till 30 by then maybe she will be ready for heirloom pieces

No, but my daughter and her boyfriend are studying in the UK. We have lived there as a family for years before moving.

OP has said she isn't British or in the UK and that 20 is the milestone wherever she is.

Don't disagree that her daughter seems too young/immature for this gift though.

It's definitely not normal to buy a 20 year old a £1000 necklace. Maybe you have spoiled her

Please please keep an eye on this bf. Massive red flags waving around here.