Daugher not happy with gift we gave her

[jouxlake]

We bought our daughter an expensive jewellery gift for her birthday, she chose it, it was plus GBP1,000. She chose it, she apparently loved it, tonight she messaged me and said 'I don't like it, can we return it'. which I know is not an option. Turns out her boyfriend said he didn't like it, prefers the next up design which is double the price. I am livid at how impressionable she is, livid at him for undermining a gift from her parents. But overall, I am fucking so upset and really gutted that she had no appreciation for what gifted her.

She was excited and grateful, @jouxlake , it's what she wanted.
I think if you tell her that you're taking it back because she doesn't like it, this might prompt a conversation.
Hopefully she can discuss what's really going on.

Absolutely agree dd has behaved very badly. But she's 20, she's not fully cooked yet, and as I said, going by the OP this is very much out of character. So something is wrong. Assuming the OP still loves her daughter, she will want to know what's behind this.
If the boyfriend of 4 years is suddenly no more mr nice guy, and my daughter was struggling to cope, I'd want to know about it. I would still expect an apology but there is some processing to be done.

The atmosphere must be very heavy in your house today.

Given she looks like she's been crying all night, I think I'd open the lines of communication. Maybe take a "What's this really all about?" stance and hope she opens up about the boyfriend.

My first thought was the BF said that to undermine her (and you) either through jealousy or wanting to control. He's a dick! Why couldn't he have been happy for her?

I hope you manage to have a heart to heart with her. Perhaps suggest a walk or go out for coffee. She's probably ashamed of herself

This is so sad. I can see how upset you would be, and I would absolutely expect an apology from DD whose behaviour on this has been entitled, rude and unnacceptably thoughtless.
But I would also be concerned that a 4 year relationship when she's that young with a boy/man like that is not healthy long term. He sounds like a teenage 'mean girl'. If she's been crying all night but hasn't apologised you may need to try to put your hurt about the necklace to one side and get to the bottom of what the issue really is.

Well, if you don’t understand my very simple point, I could not be arsed to explain it to you.

OP, there's a saying on Mumsnet that when people show you who they are, believe them.
You say he is a nice boy and maybe he was...is, but his values are different from your daughter’s.

From your posts-

• For the 4 years, you have known him, he has always liked 'designer' stuff
• He has pushed your daughter to go for designer labels... maybe even spend beyond what she planned or spend beyond her means. The whole Zara/Maxmara shopping trip BUT your daughter was able to say no.
• Designer labels are very important to him... so more about appearances maybe not so much content
• He had the audacity to pick out another gift that he thought her DP should give to her. Not your daughter’s choice and not her DP's choice. His choice.

From my POV, it looks like there have been years of him having this 'taste', then pushing your daughter to have similar taste values which your daughter was initially able to resist but now his values have eventually succeeded in pushing your daughter to give in to his taste. So much so that she was able to say to her DP who she clearly adores that their gift to her is not good enough.

A few more years of being in a relationship with him and her values would probably be totally different from the daughter you had.

They are no longer 16yr/17yr olds. They are adults. Yes, they are young adults and learning but in this learning and growing they are showing their characters. He seems to be dominating your daughter and your daughter’s own likes/dislikes.

You said you think 'He will be pissed off that she told you guys what he said' that's a very telling statement.

I think your daughter needs to move on. Leave this young man. He is not her happy future.

That’s sad that she was crying but 1000 is a totally crazy amount to spend on her and a lesson will be learned for sure

I hope you work out out today

She goes back to uni on Monday, I want to sort it out before she leaves, we had a lovely week together until yesterday. Don't want her to leave with this atmosphere between us..

What else is going on this weekend? Can you just go to her room now and talk to her? I'm guessing it will be a heavy one so try get it out of the way now in the hopes tomorrow is a bit more normal before she goes back.

This is sad because it has showed how shallow, weak and impressionable she is. Tell her to sell it.

Good idea to sort it before she goes back to uni. I really hope you do. One PP posted some very useful ways to have the chat with love while letting her see that what she did is not right.

You haven't done anything wrong here, please remember that. And she needs to be apologising, not you.

Also, that boyfriend needs to go but i guess that's a chat for another day.
All the best.

When I was that age, I had a horrible boyfriend of a couple of years.

My dad, very gently, said on the phone one night, when I seemed unhappy, 'He doesn't really seem to be your type of person. You're much more outgoing and lively than him. He's a bit of a drain on you.'

It gave me food for thought and I ended it. Perhaps you or her dad might have a similar conversation?

Why do you care so much? Do you put a lot of stock in objects and gifts? She is an impressionable young person and is allowed to make mistakes. You sound like you are revelling in her feeling bad about this. I think you should have a healthier attitude to gift giving and if it's going to affect you so much then don't spend so much. Any jewellery I had from being young has been lost now. My Mum knows that my love for her isn't wrapped up in expensive gifts. Cut her some slack. I don't think slagging off your kid online is very nice.

Also sounds desperate to please/hold on to a shitty boyfriend at all costs.

Sounds like her self esteem isn't great.

I bloody hate uni reading week. They're only just back, over home sickness, getting a grip of social life and then they come home, critic the shabby sofa that they destroyed during teen years, explain how there future lives will be so much better, then disappear again.

😂

Obviously this is disappointing and upsetting for you, and it will take time to process those emotions.

At the end of the day the necklace is just a necklace and the money is spent now anyway. The relationship is what is important of course.

I'd explain that a refund unfortunately isn't possible. If she doesn't think she will wear the necklace she can try to sell it but won't get much of the value back. Then tell her how much you love her and go and do something fun together.

If the bf is undermining her confidence then having a strong relationship with you is extra important, don't let him come between you.

I think you def need to let her take the steps to apologising.

As she hasn’t apologised I’d be wary that her crying was out of self-pity and feeling hard done by if she’s fallen under the influence of loverboy’s shallow values, not because she’s come to realise the gift is tainted whichever way now and that she has hurt her parents very deeply.

If you don’t resolve it before she goes, that might not be a bad thing. Let it sit with her. Part of adult life is realising some things are irrevocable and that you should always think before you speak. This is a fork in the road for her.

I think you've got to try and get her to see that the boyfriend is a problem. Tread carefully as you don't want to back her into a corner where her position will become entrenched, but gently pointing out how inappropriate his behaviour is (the coat as well as the necklace) might sow the seeds in her mind. Tell her you feel he's undermining her and you are worried that he's become controlling. Better than being combative with her. You need to give her a way out to talk to you and not feel you are on opposing sides.

@LAMPS1

she is not a “really good girl”. She’s a woman. She’s old enough to know better.

Haha love this idea!

Fingers crossed she realises she's being a spoilt brat and has a rethink.

The BF sounds like a shallow dick.

Well, I got a very heartfelt apology and, surprisingly, one from the boyfriend too, who 'did not mean to offend'.

Phew, thank you all for the reassurances and understanding.

I’m delighted for you op - there’s a lesson in every hardship isn’t there

I hope you enjoy the rest of your weekend 💐❤️